Would you Rather: Part Trois

Thanks All for the previous participation in these series, i know i have Awesome Followers, and to all the new stumblers on my blog, please dont forget to leave a comment and follow. thanks.


Soooo, this is a series in which i give two options, there is really no right or wrong answer, its all subjective according to the kind of person you are, all you have to do is just leave a comment on what option you would prefer to be in. 
one of my favorite books of all times "Venus in Furs" has a line in it that struck a chord with me... and it goes..... "in love, there is no equality, it is either rule or be ruled" sooo im going to extrapolate on this point. 
sooo here goes


A) would you rather be in a Relationship that your spouse is head over heels in love with you and every single thing that you do but the problem is that you don't have the same intensity of feelings for your spouse.... you might love them, but its an unequal distribution of love, its more like you on the love sharing scale == 
YOU => 30% love,      SPOUSE => 70% love.
 i hope you get my gist?




OR




B) would you rather be in a Relationship with your spouse where you are completely head over heels, your spouse tells you to jump and you ask how high, there is absolutely nothing your spouse can do wrong, you can not imagine living life without him/her.... but the problem is your spouse doesnt share the same intensity of love with you. on the love sharing scale it is more like
YOU => 70% love,     SPOUSE => 30% love.


im certain one way or another, we have found ourselves in a position similar to one or the other, or we may have experienced both, sooo if you were to make a decision, what would you rather be in???
you thoughts and comments are appreciated. Thanks Ciao. 


As always, i would updated it with my own personal preference much later. 

Its All a Learning ProCEss

Its all a learning process....
Yesterday was such a Beautiful day in NYC.... and during the spring and Fall NY has such Beautiful Sunsets and sunrises, i guess the temperature of the air is less hazy and it allows the rays to shine through much better... i dunno. Anyways, i figured it would be a learning experience for me to head out to go Snap FOTO.... sooo i carried my Big head and i went to go Snap Foto....


its all a learning process because trying to get the right composition, the right camera settings and the visions i had in mind were quite challenging, it just humbles me when i look at wonderful pictures and i think that maybe one day, i would become as good as that.... So out of the 30 or so pictures i took, this one was the one that made the most sense to me. 


i met fellow photographers and they gave me tips too, the two silhouettes you see in the image are the people i met, they were nice enough to let me take pictures of them sha... anyways, im still undecided on whether to open a separate blog for pictures or i should just create a different page on this blog for my Picshuressss.... lol. 


sooo this is my Amateur pic, i hope you guys like it. Enjoy.


though i always have to keep reminding myself, life and everything in it, is all a learning process. 

UPDATED::: Would you Rather: Part Duex

Sooo this is my new series, where i ask give you two options and you have to chose only one option. No answer is the wrong or right answer, its all about personal preference and what you would do. my last weeks chioce was THIS , just incase you missed it. 


Anyways, this week the options are
Would you Rather


a) be extremely wealthy but know that you would leave a short life.... by short life i mean, you probably would die by 45 or 50ish, and by wealthy i mean, you are wealthy enough to buy islands and pay the debt of a few third world countries. 


Or


b) live an Extremely Long life but Hover around the Poverty Line. When i say extremely long life, probably as long and fulfilling as being about 110 years or even old, and hover around the povery line in the sense that, going to the movies once a month would seem like a Luxury, being barely able to make your Rent payments, living off Food Stamps, but still being able to Survive


Remember, there is no right or wrong Answer to this Question. 


UPDATED:
i personally would like chose option A.... to me, i dont need to live a long life if i have the means to live a fulfilling life. i would explore the world, donate to charity, donate to science, setup trust funds for my Children (i have a phobia of bringing kids into the world while im broke), make sure my future generations never see poverty, and obviously, i would party like a rockstar because i would be dead in a few years. 


Being broke is not fun, or even living on the poverty line, most societies dont have an upward mobility regarding finances, Yes you hear of people like Oprah and Co... but these are the exception, even America isnt that upwardly mobile, most kids that are born into poverty usually stay there. i want my kids to experience more than i ever did. 

Me and My New Expensive Hobby

hey, if you are new to my blog, dont forget to Follow and Comment, thanks.

Sooo, i guess i told you guys how giddy i was about getting my First ever DSLR and how i was going to start taking up a hobby on Photogs.... Sooo, i was so excited before i got the Camera, and now that i got it, im realizing how much of a learning Curve im going to have to overcome to actualize the vision i have with my Artistic Crush on Photography. Not to mention that DSLR and their Equipments are sooo Darn Expensive. :( .  i was shopping on Amazon trying to get myself more Lenses and all the Freaking Lenses i found cost upwards of 300bucks and up, Wow.... thats like 2 regular Cameras for a lens.... Whoo told me to carry my big head to learn Foto?

i got myself an Entry Level Nikon, Because truthfully, Ni**as are broke (pointing to myself) i got a Nikon D3100 and i had to get 2 lenses..... and it set me back a pretty penny. In the Past i got myself a Holga Point and Shoot because i saw the capabilities of its pictures, but then i never used it once.... But im definitely hoping that doesnt happen with this DSLR, because errrr, i just cant afford to have a Camera that cost soo much sitting on a Dresser anymore. Sooo, i have delved deep into tutorials, Videos and beginner tips from Youtube, Websites, Blogs and all sorts of sources....

im slowing pacing myself, and i realize that i would not be an Amazing Photographer overnight but atleast it would keep me busy enough to keep my out of trouble... especially from the Women of the World (God knows i need a break from thinking about Women, and im certain the Women of the World definitely need a break from My Ass).

Abeg see me see trouble.

Anyways, i have learnt a few basic things, like Bokeh, Field of Focus and all other things sha.... here are some pictures where i play with depth of field and focus.

this pic has the flower in focus and everything else blurry. then

this is the same pic, but the field of focus changes... its a simple concept, but it took me a while to learn it.... abeg oh. lol.

then i took this one just to get a different perspective of things

i know i got a long way to go... but im just glad i have something too keep me occupied for now... i have plans of going all around the city and taking pictures sha, NYC is usually very pretty in the spring and summer.... i have the fear that im going to be one of those annoying people who cant go anyway without a camera in my hand, though every Artistic Photog keeps emphasizing on taking pictures, taking pictures and taking more pictures... i hear its the only way anyone can get better.

Here is a bonus picture of a portrait of a friend

So leave a comment if you have any ideas you would want me to explore.... Im probably going to have to Make another Blog Website for my Photography and stuff, soo it doesnt Interfere with the Main Theme of the Blogsite.

When Falling in Love Really isnt An Option!!!!!

Hey, if you are new to my blog, please dont forget to follow/subscribe and leave a comment .... thanks.


Sooo, Everyone raves about falling in love, and how good that shit is supposed to be, but Frankly, i think i have put myself in some situations that i need to try and stay away from love and all its crazy bullshit. im in 3 darning scenarios that might and would complicate the possibility of falling in love and basically my love life. im going to make this post short because its 3Am in the fucking morning and every normal person is sleeping at this time and i should be doing that too. Soo this is going to be a summary jist.


scenario 1
i have known this girl for a relatively medium amount of time, she is basically one of the prettiest people i know and have laid Eyes on (no offense to all the other pretty people that are reading this statement). Well, truthfully, she is one of those pretty people who dont know exactly how pretty they are, probably because in High School she was a whole lot Chubby and she has always been a Dork. But 2 semesters before graduating college and she lost a ton of weight and kept a whole bunch of womanly Curves on her frame. She is smart and driven (nothing more sexy than a girl who can put sentences together).
She has alot of things going for her, but there are just a whole lot of things that arent going for US...
basically, she is a whole different culture from i am, she grew up in a very Religious Muslim Family, and in her Culture, her parents basically Have Arranged Marriages for the females (#wheretheydothat@?).... yeah,  all that shit got me puzzled like WTF....
we did sneak out for a few dates and we tried to make plans for future dates, but the last time we went out, we had to tell ourselves the truth, we both are attracted to eachother, but the truth is, if her Father Ever found out about me and about the Fact that i was Black, as nigerians usually say "it would be No Joking Matter".... sooo i decided to stop while i was ahead


Scenario 2
im have known this woman for less than a year, we met during the fall.... she basically sits with me in class and the professeur in my class always has to give me the Evil Eye because shit is always funny when im with this woman. i didnt know too much about her, except for the fact that she looks way younger than the age i think she is, and her accent is heavy doused with foreignness. She is cute, short and petit, My nickname for her is Fun Size, but apart from nicknames and school stuff ,we never ever really hung out.... well until this semester, when she suggested hanging out during the little freetime we always have before classes begin. it did start out innocently, or atleast i thought it was innocent, until we started having grown up talks (if you know what i mean *wink wink*)... well, she let it slip that she cant put a finger on what it is that she finds attractive about me... and i did relay that i thought it was cute of her and i thought she was cute too.... but here is the problem... i also found out that she was Married, has two kids which are 4 and 5 years old. this is basically her second degree, she got her first one from NYU. and she did tell me that even though she was married, she felt it was one of her biggest mistakes she made as a life choice.... (yeah i know what you guys are thinking, you guys are like, this Nigga is always involved with someone else's Woman, well you probably might be wrong in this situation)
i just found out she was married because she has never worn her wedding ring to class or anywhere that i have seen her. sooo that marriage issue is a big problem for me, sha.


Scenario 3:
hmmmm, i have known this girl for a good while, i dont speak to her as often as i should, but whenever we talk, it could go on for days if someone's phone battery doesnt die out. we are very much alike, maybe because we are born under the same Zodiac sign, maybe we just click just because, maybe if i whole heartedly believed in soulmates she would be the closest thing to mine. Around her, im fully myself, i am comfortable but yet, she also challenges me to be better than the present me that i am. We have a good amount of history together, no matter who i have been talking to, she has always been in the foreground. if i were to make a short list of people i would want to be stuck on an island with, she would be on all my short list. i believe we are still very much attracted to each other, and we can build a relationship together if we ever decided too.
but the problem is........
we are hella busy, she stays about 20 mins away from me, but we probably see eachother probably once in a month if anything, We usually have to plan like 3 weeks in advance to make sure our schedules coincide for us to be able to meet. she has a whole lot of stuff going on, and im proud that she is about her business. she is applied for her PhD and she got into 4 different schools of her choosing, though her school of choice is 5 hours away by airplane, and 14hrs by Car.... we have both agreed that we cant really handle long distance relationships, because i just dont think those things work. Plus im the kind of BF that likes to see his GF atleast 2 to 3 times a fucking Week, call me needy, call me possessive, call me Psycho, but thats just usually how i am. Soo this wouldnt really work. 


Sooo, as you see, these are Just Scenarios that Falling in love is really not an Option.

Would you Rather: Part Uno

if you are new to my Blog and you arent following me, hit the follow button, i appreciate the support. leave a comment too, it saves the lives of kittens all around the world. 
Sooo, Quick updates.... life is still busy. im neglecting to reply my Comments (i have long drawn out replies that im keep procrastinating to reply about).... im Glad some of you like the last Poetry, i did put alot of thought and heart into all my poetry, especially my last one. 
i always wanted to get myself a DSLR, and i finally got one.... Yay me. sooo im stuck figuring out whether i should open a Tumbler for Photos or i should just add a Page to this Blog for my Photos.... im still learning proper composition and im not too certain if im going to be taking street photography or anything, but all i know is that my DSLR is gonna make me hella occupied. 


now, im gonna start like a weekly quickie post, and it would be a "Would you Rather?" series, i give two options and i give you guys the option of choosing only one of the options you would rather choose and you could leave a detailed reason as to why you choose what you chose. by the end of the week, i would re edit the post with my own personal Answer to the Question i asked. 


sooo, the first Question is


WOULD YOU RATHER?


be with a spouse/husband//boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other who


a) had a Beautiful Face but an out of shape/super undesirable body. a Beautiful face enough to make to want to stare at there facebook Page for hours at a time, but the body was bad enough that you winced anytime you caught a glimpse of their full body, even if there were fully clothed. if there was a rating scale the Face would be a 9 or a 10.... but the body would be about a 3 or a 4. 


OR 
b) a Incredibly Sexy Body but a Butter Face. When i say incredibly sexy body, i mean the whole world seems like a better place when the person is Prefereably half naked/Fully naked. No matter whatever the person put  on, the clothes just seemed like they were made for him/her. the person's Physique is the kind of Physique Greek Gods and Goddesses were modeled after.
though the person's Face was something else entirely different. You couldnt look at the person's face without wondering how a body like his/hers got stuck with a horrible Face like that. Basically on a rating Scale, the Body would be a 9 or a 10..... but the Face would be a 3 or 4. 




Sooo... these are the options, there is a catch though. the person with the beautiful face and ugly body cant have plastic surgery, the person cant fix their body, sooo you are essentially stuck with the Pretty/handsome face but ugly body.... and for the Greek God/Goddess Body and ugly Face, no amount of makeup or plastic surgery can fix their ugly too. sooo those are the options and those are the restrictions. i would like to see what your feedbacks would be. 
Leave your Comments below. 




UPDATE:


i personally, i would prefer a less than mediocre face and a 10/10 body.... Why? well thats because being cute alone isnt enough to turn me on, and in situations where i have had to choose the face or the body, i have chosen the body. Most Guys are probably like me and they would choose the Body too. Clearly, What is the point of being with somebody and they dont have the ability to turn you on? well thats just how i look at it. 

WHY Men and Women can Never be FRiends: MALE PERSPECtive

Soooo, i guess its better to clarify this post, this is from a males perspective... but as they say, you need 2 people to be in a relationship, sooo if one person is in a relationship and the other person is not in a relationship, then it isnt considered a relationship. 


im posting this later than i woulda liked.... but you know the same ol excuse im about to give, "i was Busy"... lol. Sooo happy New Month i guess. I dunno February just seemed extra long (duhhhh leap year), i guess it gave us one more extra day of black history. 
My last post was intentionally intended to be a short post, but for some reason, my fingers wouldnt let me stop typing. maybe that was just an early april fools for all my readers.... sooo April Fools then. what can i say, i guess im just that revolutionary and rebellious, April fools in February, Genius idea. i should patent that idea. "Thats Hot" #paris.hilton.voice.


now i swear this post is actually short, no tricks up my sleeve. #evilgrin

The Art Of Moving ON

Hey Blogville. happy Post Valentines, i have been busy lately, trying to stay on top of things with school and work. My Valentines day was just another day, but i had zero expectations for the day, so i guess it was perfect being like that. i have been itching to write this post for quite a while, but things always came up. i have been working more hours at work, taking more classes and hardly been sleeping, Sooo whenever i have really been free, Sleep has always won the war. I bet you guys know i love my sleep more than i love most things. 
i almost cant believe Feburary is almost over, Dang, and i almost didnt put a post up. 
this is probably going to be a short post, because i need to get ready for Work in about an Hour. 


Sooo, here it goes, the Art of moving on. 
this seems very simple, but in practice it is very hard to do. We all have to move on at one point in our life, and the truth is, break ups are never that easy, then completely being able to move on over a person, that is almost always very impossible. We all look for ways to cope with the situation. we have defense mechanisms that we employ to live life as if we are back to normalcy. 


You would think that with the number of Ex Girlfriends i have had, i would find it easy to be able to move on... well, truthfully, no matter how many breaks up i have been in, it never gets easier. All the feelings attached to moving on might seem familiar, but the process doesn't ever get easier. i only wish it did. though, i know that, the more invested you are with the person you are trying to move on from, the harder it usually is to break apart from the person. 

OverDue

I know i have been gone for a moment too long.... honestly, i have been struggling to find the right words to type. i am a cesspool of emotions right about now. usually, my blog is a place i come to bare it all and unload, but these past few weeks, i havent been too sure if i wanted to be vulnerable and naked. this blog is a form of online journal of a sorts for me. i spill floods of emotions onto this space, my emotions are not always coherent and my thoughts are not always in order, but my intentions are usually true to form. If i hardly make sense on this post, it is because i gave up on trying to make sense of all my internal struggles. 


my thoughts have weighed me down for a while. hopefully, when all is said and done, i would be able to weightless, atleast for a little while, before i burden myself with newer issues. 


Warning: Relatively long post ahead

Yay its my Birthday

Hello.... 


Yay, its my Birthday..... well it was my birthday like 3/4 days ago, but it still feels like It was my Birthday Yesterday or something. Soooo, Happy freaking birthday to me, so Yay me. As i previously mentioned, i had/have no birthday plans.... i literally didnt do anything for my birthday, and i enjoyed it. i stayed home, slept in, didnt have any classes, took some time off work, i did meet up with my Good friend and my God Son (yeah, im not sure i have ever mentioned that i have an absolutely adorable God Son, so im a God Daddy)... i did receive alot of calls from my Loved ones, and BBMs and Texts and Emails.... so i did feel very special. i appreciated every single birthday wish i was given. i even had an Early morning prayer from my mum, it was too cute.... im agnostic, but with the gravity of the words which she uttered, it would have felt like a sin if i didnt say "Amen" like i meant it. 




But for the most part,

Me and Poetry

hello.... i still owe yall a full post, blog and poetry, but i honestly have been soo busy these past few days, i havent even had time to catch up on new blog post on my blog roll list, i promise to make my blog rounds soon enough. 

and i know i havent replied comments, from my previous posts..... i really feel soo horrible about that. i am so appreciative of all my followers, and my repeat followers who come, time and time again to read my blog post and to leave comments. you guys make me want to pour my heart and soul out onto these blog pages. thank you all for the motivation, every new comment makes me smile, even the comments with criticism. i do have a few favorite commenters, but there is still room for many more favorite commenters in my heart. i have a big heart (i think i do).

Sooo, its december again, wow.... this year just flew bye, i remember when i was just making up my new years resolutions..... i guess the older i get, the faster time seems to fly. makes being young feel so nostalgic. what i would do to be 7 years old again, with no responsibilities and no worries. 

Next week Tuesday Dec 13th is actually my birthday, i have absolutely no plans.... i try not to make plans, actually its easier not to make any plans probably because im single and there is no one to try to make my birthday a big deal. im slowly getting the hang of being single for my birthday. 

Random Updatez

Sooo these are things i figured i should update y'all on


About the nice young lady from the post Borrowed Love... well, lets just say, i was a bit curious about things, i had my questions, i wasnt sure if things or if everything was resolved. After all, she kinda drove me to the point of Smoking and Drinking...(ok, maybe im just using her as an excuse a little bit), but things did change both with my mental and emotional status when we started messing around, i guess the guilt was eating me alive. Sooo, to be sure that i was completely over her and ready to move on, i had to visit her one more time. sooo i did visit her, we chatted, she invited me to spend the night over and because i am a gentleman, i accepted her invitation. though i spent the night, nothing happened, and i was proud of myself for being able to resist the urge (pat on my back, though sometimes in retrospect, i think i should have had sex one last time, lol) we are now friends and strictly friends (but can i call someone a friend if i dont call or text them for weeks at a time?) sooo i guess im making strides in the right direction. 




About my New Year Resolutions from 2011 january 1.... well, lets just say that i broke all my resolutions, but hopefully im back on track now. i was having a talk with a friend the other day, and she pointed out to me that this was actually the longest i have been without a relationship (1yr and a couple of months, i know  its sad that i always found myself in a relationship for most of my adult life :(...) , soo she told me that, im going to get soo used to being single that when i accidentally find myself in a relationship, i would not know how exactly to behave because i have been soo single for soooooooo looong. i think she might be right, but i hope she isnt. 


About the abs i promised myself for my birthday, well im glad to inform you guys that, my stomach isnt gonna be seeing abs this birthday.... the problem is, the Gym had to give way to school, sooo school rules till christmas break, plus i got abit lazy.... Ok, honestly, i get fit and in shape for the ladies (abit vain right?), yeah i know the health bonuses of being in shape are good, but my main motivation is to be attractive (we all want to be attractive, dont judge me because im being truthful)
Sooo, Everytime i feel fat or out of shape, i decide to myself that im gonna do better.(im going to go hard in the gym for the next month or soo, right). Just after i make this commitment to myself, i find myself in public minding my own business, then i get random Compliments from Random strangers (see the random compliments are counter- productive)....i say thank you, before i turn purple from blushing because im kinda dark skinned. I think Girls who are confident enough to compliment a guy without caring what people think are sexy, there is just some unknown strength i see in a girl who does that. 


Im almost certain i dont have Body dysmorphic disorder, but i cant say for sure. some days i waking up loving my body, somedays it feels like a hang over after a one night stand. 


Everytime i think of slacking off, and i decide i dont want to work out or that im just not feeling like doing anything productive, i watch this video for motivation.

If i needed to go for a run before i watched this video and i was slacking, after i watch the video, i go for a motherfucking run. believe me. 


p.s. i definitely ate a weeks worth of food on thanksgiving, hope yall were just as greedy as i was... and too all the canadians who had theirs a months earlier, yall know that Americans do it better and bigger :) lol.

The Knowing

First off.... im alive
Second..... hello, im absolutely certain that you missed me.


i know after my last post it almost seemed like i was contemplating Suicide, but to calm everyone's nerves down, im alright, No Suicide or anything is happening anytime soon. Soo, i guess the blogworld is stuck with me for a little bit. 


i apologize for going MIA.... (well its only been 2 or 3 weeks, it really hasnt been that long), Life just caught up with me, and after life caught up with me, i decided that i needed to slack on my blog postings for just abit. the truth is, i am a Procrastinator by nature... actually, it come natural, and when it doesnt come natural, then i look for ways to make my procrastination into a hobby. Only if i could get paid for Procrastinating.. (Actually, the Senators and Representatives in Congress actually get paid for not doing any serious work when they need too)


i would love to go on a Tangent about politics and current affairs, because im follow current issues and stuff, but this is not a Political Blog, soooo all that is going to have to take a back seat. 


Third: Happy Thanksgiving
Fourth: I did hesitate blogging because i realize that my blogs have a way of making me feel so exposed and vulnerable.... i almost forget that im not an Anonymous blogger, and some subject topics do tend to be a bit Fucked up.... a few people who frequent my blog know me outside the blog circles, and im almost certain a few opinions about me have changed over the exposure of some of my blogs.... im only human and i have flaws, the only difference is, in real life, i spend most of my time Trying to cover up all my flaws to everyone around, but on my blog post, i stand naked with my flaws....  the dual nature of that sends conflict to my psyche each time i try putting out any post. 
all i can ask for, is not to be judged (harshly), but i know i would be judged regardless... 




sooo that was my mini introduction for being back from my Hiatus
now to the Subject matter, The Knowing.

The Morning After

This is the feeling you get when you are coming down from a high, Like the day after you have you first ecstasy pill, the high is unlike no other, and you life couldnt be better than what you feel at the moment, every one is beautiful to you, and everything in the world shines brightly with unending beauty. no more worries, wars dont exist when you are that high, peace and love are emotions that you can feel running through you veins, and life is in full HD. then when you wake up from the high, there is nothing in the world that can make you happy, you are in a depression that life becomes almost meaningless, you flirt endlessly with suicidal thoughts and death.... and you arent certain if you really would ever follow through with all the flirting. This is the morning after. 
the morning after taking drugs, the morning after your heart ache, the morning after all unnerving addictions.


we all have morning afters, there might never be this graphic or this detailed, but we all have those lows... so this was inspired by one of those lows.




Poem
Sooo all my emotions are synthesized
my cries for help
are drowned out by the imaginary voices
that kept me up from the night before
im busy trying to get to a high
to a higher altered state of mind
its the only way i can cope with my reality today
smoke a lil more
drink till the bottom of the bottle
empty mindless sex
these are all my companions 
the morning after




p.s. im wondering if any of my followers have every flirted with suicide??? im also wondering if any of my followers who have, would be willing to admit something like that???? 

Borrowed Love

Im grateful for both my Guest Bloggers, these are bloggers i admire and know personally. if anything they both inspire me to be a better writer, both in poetry and in blogging itself. im inclined to reaching out to more followers of mine, at later dates to grace my blog..... so please dont be surprised when i start emailing you  for guest blogger request, and please dont be scared to reach out. 

i have been bad again blogsville, i have been a really really bad boy or man or man child or male (whatever freaking term you want to choose)... so if you remember, in one of my Earlier post... Actually this post here, i outlined all my Resolutions.... one of my resolutions was to not Cheat. Either Cheat on a person who is my girlfriend, or be with a girl who would be cheating with their man with me. Sooo, you wouldnt believe, i kinda sorta broke that resolution. Actually, i have broken all my resolutions, but i was hoping i would be able to keep that No Cheating Resolution this year. Well, i kind of have to let this out.....

This forum is my therapy and i know i need some therapy right about now.

WARNING 1: THIS IS A LONG POST, DO NOT READ IT IF DONT HAVE TIME TO READ IT.

WARNING 2: THIS POST HAS ALOT OF PERSONAL UNNECESSARY INFO

WARNING 3: I Warned You, So dont say i didnt Warn you. Proceed at your own RISK

Teach ME how to LOVE

Hi blogsville,

I'm going to be guest blogging on one of my bestest friends in the whole entire universes' blog today...taking a cue after the very articulate Niki. I. *receiving the baton* Kudos to you dear.  Bengs has asked that I mention that I'm a girl...lol.  I donno why he's freaking out about y'all thinking he's transgender *sigh* such a dork, but I love him still.

Anywaiz, here goes....

See, I grew up with 3 brothers and my dad...so it was pretty much all guys and a girl.  I was the baby.  To be quite honest, I'd like to say I was the accident.  It was right before my mum took off...I'm guessing she ran for her dear life.

My dad worked in the army and I'm sure u know what that means, his idea of love was his whip.  I had one specially for me.  He called my whip love.

As he would whip me with every opportunity, he would remind me of how grateful I ought to be...some kids didn't have a dad, yet alone one that would steer them in the right direction with "love".  Boy was I grateful.

Even though I bled, although it hurt, I constantly reminded myself of these things my dad had engraved in my heart.

Angel, you have a father...others DON'T
You have brothers, many DON'T
You have a place to live, several DON'T
and this list continues.....

So....well...I was a grateful kid!

At 14, I met this guy....boy o boy *wipes sweat off*
He was the finest creation, God had ever made...this one, I know God took some good time.
With me, I think I was rush work.
Well...I'm gorgeous and all but...this boy made my head spin in ALL directions.

BUT...
Dad had told me "NO BOYS!"

Despite the fact that my heart skipped not 2, 3, or 4 beats when he came around, I turned him into the invisible...NO bOys!

When I turned 18 and buggered off to college, there he was...an even finer version of my high school crush.  We hung out in Psych class, in Soc...and also in Algebra and that was it...we were an item.

Everything dad taught me didn't matter....I threw it out the window.
K would tell me how beautiful I was and whisper sweet nothings into my ears all day long.
I was in heaven and I wasn't heading back to earth....

K and I got pretty serious and before long...I had little K growing inside of me...

I remember the day, I told K about it....that was the day he sent me right past earth and straight to hell.

He wasn't having this baby..."abort that thing", he said and I refused.
At this point, K started to use all my secrets against me. He brought "love" back to reality for me but this time, "love" had thorns, it was wicked, it was cruel....his whip was "pure hate"

He hurt me without discipline...he made me bleed till I lost lil K.
3 years went by and I was in crack houses, tramping the streets at night and violating every possible law in the day time...till I found myself in an orange suit, doing 2 years for obstruction of justice.

My dad came to visit....my brothers too.

3 months after I came out, I met James...he schooled me, cared for me, pleaded that I love him...that I reciprocate but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I don't know how...at this point having lost it all.

I'm going to need to be taught how to truly love.

by H

Guest Blog - The Ambivalent Heart

Before I begin, I thought I should say a few things.
(1) Thank you Mr.LoveLifeForSale for the guest blogging opportunity. 'Tis an honor.
(2) He told me I had to write on the topic of love.. I only write blogs on topics of love, but lately I've felt like my love well's run dry. So I told him I'd write about him.
So what you see below is an entry...from me, about him, to you.

---

The Ambivalent Heart

You know, in a way, he's everything I ever wanted.
"Someone who gets me" is what I wished for.. and he certainly does.
But he's also everything I don't want..
I know what he's capable of.. and I don't like it.
I could say I wish I didn't know, but I'm glad I do...
I'm glad that despite what I may end up thinking of him...
the good, bad, and very ugly... he tells me it all anyway..
And I guess that's why I like him..
His honesty... Brutal.. fucking honesty.
But it's this same honesty that lets me know how deceitful he can be.
I don't want that. I can't have that... I can't want that right?
I am afraid of being hurt... by him.
If this were a year ago, I would have never believed he could hurt me.
Matter-of-fact, I knew, if anything, I could easily hurt him.
When did I grant him this power over me?
When did he sneak in and.. infiltrate my heart?
I've never directly given him my heart and I don't think I ever planned on it.
I'm not sure I ever could.
I don't think he's ready for me.
And I'm not sure if I could ever be ready for him.
I don't know if my heart would ever let me.
I'm not sure if my mind would let me.
On paper, he's just about perfect for me.
In person, he's just about perfect for me.
In reality.. and in fantasy... I'm not sure if he's what I'd call perfection.
He's far from perfect. He is actually the perfect imperfection.
But I tend to be pulled in by the fallen angel...
Tempted by the challenge of their nature.
I get absorbed in his presence.
Wanting to soak up whatever his essence might be..
Knowing very well that his essence isn't pure..
And it scares me to know that I could be so lured by the darkness..
Yet it's this same darkness that makes me hesitate..
makes me want to push and stay very far away.....
I can hear the warnings.. my intuition telling me that if I step into his domain
I will get burned...
And yet I'm enticed by the heat.. the fiery light.. the raging energy...
It warms my soul
And I want to bathe and bask in it until the smoke becomes unbearable.
He is the friend I cherish..
and we have a friendship I don't know I want to risk losing
within the intricate labyrinth of love.
You are everything I could have wanted..
and everything I could have not.
How do I settle my ambivalent heart?
 


Niki I.<< link to my blog