Me and Relationships

Wow... funny how time flies, i know i promised a post a week ago, but i just got done with finals, so i really have a valid excuse for not keeping up with my end of the bargain. i have been busy. its soo good to finally kick off the Summer, unofficially though, now that i have all this free time, i almost dont know what im going to do with myself....(actually i know what im going to do, i got semi big plans for the summer).
i have gotten Tagged for the 11 elevens, i should really participate, but i keep postponing, Anyways thats for another day.

Me and relationships.
What's not to love about relationships? there are a beautiful thing, especially when you are in one with someone who cares for you, shares all your aspirations and dreams and is truly your equal; mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I envy people in stable loving and healthy relationships, you know those kind of relationships that nurture your soul and feed your livelihood. the kind that makes you smile whenever you wake up in the morning, the kind that what ever you are doing, your mind wanderers straight to your significant other, wondering what he/she is doing, if they are okay, and if you are on their mind as much as they are on your mind.
all that relationship gushy stuff is great, but the problem with me and relationships is, im always a little bit worried to let myself go fully.

for you to be able to push through in a relationship, you have to be emotionally naked with your significant other, you have to be willing to be vulnerable, and truthfully, im not sure i can do that, because to be vulnerable means that you are willing to take the risk of heartache and let downs. And experience has told me that, people would always let you down (whether knowingly or unknowingly) people always fuck up. thats just nature.

Every relationship i have been in, whenever i catch myself getting too happy, and euphoric, i panic, i tell myself that there is no way this happiness is going to last, something bad is going to fuck it up.... i begin to get consumed by how many ways shit could fuck up, and i start to panic big time. As laid back as i try to come off, im truthfully someone who like to be in control, im passive aggressive, so i like to subtlety be in control, because of my under G nature of being in control, i decide to Fuck shit up in the relationship by myself most times. my logic doesnt make sense to anybody i tell, but i figure that, the relationship is going to get Fucked up, soo if it eventually gets fucked up, Why cant i be the one to control the fuck up? why shouldnt i have the power over the fuck up??? its a stupid logic, but it has shielded me from feeling extremely powerless in the aftermaths of my relationships.

Sooo in almost all relationships i have been in, i fucked them all up, maybe passively sometimes, but most times, i aggressively worked to fuck it all up. I slowly withdrew emotionally, i slowly became a bit more callous and honest than i had too, i slowly let my mind wander and i allowed myself to cheat on my significant other, i slowly stopped paying attention to her and all the wonderful things about her.

im still afraid of relationships, but my phobia is getting a bit more controlled. i cant say that i would be ready to dive head first into a healthy relationship tomorrow, but im certain that sometime in the future, i would seek one, and fight exclusively for one. As for now, im comfortable in my psuedo relationships, with women who dont belong to me, While i remain an owner of no one.

Maybe im paranoid for thinking that nothing good last for ever, but do you think it justifies my logic of controlling the chaos in the relationship? does it really make me a bad person?
let me hear your opinions...
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So What's uP?

Yeah.... so what's up? i dont think im gonna apologize for not blogging in a while because honestly i have been busy. ok, im half lying, the first week, i wasnt too busy, i was waiting for comments to pour into my last post, but nothing came, so me being the vindictive person i am, i decided not to post any new content, but then my vindictiveness gave way to really being busy, Karma.

So im guessing my would you rather was getting to controversial for people to answer or pick one question? wow..... i coulda sworn that i had more open minded and daring followers, oh well, i learn new shit everyday. ok.... so im gonna keep this short and sweet, this is an update on all the shit that has happened in my abscence on my blog. each point probably deserves its own post, but my finals week is this week and next week so i really should be studying instead of posting post on blogville. (the truth is i dont study as often as i should)

first things first, Sooo... PhD girl from my this post "When falling in love isnt an option" Well, a few weeks back me and her got into a little incident. lets just say we tried to revisit the past and things didnt turn out well. i really shouldnt have expected things to turn out well anyways, After we had sex again, i wasnt sure what the Sex all meant within the friendship we already had, and i definitely am the worst at resolving awkward situations, i figured that after we had sex that a relationship was going to be expected, and i didnt know if we were gonna have to have "THE TALK", so i freaked out. & seriously, things just didnt feel the same when we had sex, it was more me than her. Anyways, lets just say i didnt handle the situation properly and now we arent on speaking terms.

Second thing, sooo does anybody remember the girl from "Borrowed LoVE"... well you wouldnt  believe whats new with her.... come on take a wild guess, i would give you some time to guess... so have you guessed? well ok, here it goes..... i just found out 3 weeks ago that she is 3 months Preggos , well if you guessed that right you deserve a pat on the back, you are intuitive...... Whaooo, i know right, that is some crazy shit, i hadnt heard from her in like 3 months and the first time i hear from her, i hear that she is preggos.... #mindblown..... but you know what, Guess who isnt that Dad? if you guessed NOT ME, then you are right, whats that two for two? you really are intuitive. sooo with the logistics, we stopped messing around almost a month before she got preggos and her BF is soo happy that she is preggos. She did suggest that we meet up to go see a movie together, but the night we met up, i was sooo tired that when i got to her place i fell asleep on her bed, i was out cold for like 5 hours.... we scheduled a movie date for a later time, Now i have definitely put her and our relationship in the #Friendzone, there is nothing that turns me off quicker than seeing a girl i like preggos by another guy, there is no coming out of the friendzone after that.

Third Thing, the married woman i mentioned in a previous post, well this post to be exact "When Falling in Love isnt An Option" well the woman that was kinda flirting with me, Well lets just say we crossed over from just flirting, we have done some things that i would definitely need to take a bath in Holy water for my sins to be forgiven. Well, there seems to be a pattern of getting involved with people who are already involved, i do need to break that pattern, but for some reason its a convenient arrangement, i get to have relationship benefits without the stress of a relationship. Win-Win right? (fuck you, dont judge me, you dont know my life #thuglife, lol). we hardly go out in public because we get stares often, she looks good for her age and for the fact that she has 2 cute little munchkins, but i think the reason we get stares is probably because im almost a #semiBigblackguy and she is a lil tiny asian woman, soo no matter what neighborhood we are in, we often get stares (i am basically 5'9" and i weigh about 190lbs she is 5'1" and weighs 100lbs soaking wet)... though she keeps asking why people are staring ( i usually ignore the question because i think its obvious enough), well her story is for another day, another blog post.

sooo this is all i can really spare to tell... nothing too exciting, i didnt want to write a story book but it seems like no matter how i try to summarize, the words just keep pouring out.

Oh yeah, last thing, i started messing with a girl i used to mess with last summer and she told me that im losing my touch with how to please her... needless to say i didnt know how to respond to that allegation or comment. it got me thinking that maybe i am losing my touch in the bedroom (wouldnt that be a big blow to my overblown ego?) Well i am getting older, i know my golden days are soon gonna start screeching to a halt (i refuse to believe im at that stage yet) and its all downhill from there. Maybe i need to stop messing/having sex with girls from my past? hmmm or maybe i should just learn to be abstinent forever... who the fuck knows, right? Well on that note, leave a comment and subscribe, let me know your thoughts, its only fair because you guys already know mine now.