Teach ME how to LOVE

Hi blogsville,

I'm going to be guest blogging on one of my bestest friends in the whole entire universes' blog today...taking a cue after the very articulate Niki. I. *receiving the baton* Kudos to you dear.  Bengs has asked that I mention that I'm a girl...lol.  I donno why he's freaking out about y'all thinking he's transgender *sigh* such a dork, but I love him still.

Anywaiz, here goes....

See, I grew up with 3 brothers and my dad...so it was pretty much all guys and a girl.  I was the baby.  To be quite honest, I'd like to say I was the accident.  It was right before my mum took off...I'm guessing she ran for her dear life.

My dad worked in the army and I'm sure u know what that means, his idea of love was his whip.  I had one specially for me.  He called my whip love.

As he would whip me with every opportunity, he would remind me of how grateful I ought to be...some kids didn't have a dad, yet alone one that would steer them in the right direction with "love".  Boy was I grateful.

Even though I bled, although it hurt, I constantly reminded myself of these things my dad had engraved in my heart.

Angel, you have a father...others DON'T
You have brothers, many DON'T
You have a place to live, several DON'T
and this list continues.....

So....well...I was a grateful kid!

At 14, I met this guy....boy o boy *wipes sweat off*
He was the finest creation, God had ever made...this one, I know God took some good time.
With me, I think I was rush work.
Well...I'm gorgeous and all but...this boy made my head spin in ALL directions.

BUT...
Dad had told me "NO BOYS!"

Despite the fact that my heart skipped not 2, 3, or 4 beats when he came around, I turned him into the invisible...NO bOys!

When I turned 18 and buggered off to college, there he was...an even finer version of my high school crush.  We hung out in Psych class, in Soc...and also in Algebra and that was it...we were an item.

Everything dad taught me didn't matter....I threw it out the window.
K would tell me how beautiful I was and whisper sweet nothings into my ears all day long.
I was in heaven and I wasn't heading back to earth....

K and I got pretty serious and before long...I had little K growing inside of me...

I remember the day, I told K about it....that was the day he sent me right past earth and straight to hell.

He wasn't having this baby..."abort that thing", he said and I refused.
At this point, K started to use all my secrets against me. He brought "love" back to reality for me but this time, "love" had thorns, it was wicked, it was cruel....his whip was "pure hate"

He hurt me without discipline...he made me bleed till I lost lil K.
3 years went by and I was in crack houses, tramping the streets at night and violating every possible law in the day time...till I found myself in an orange suit, doing 2 years for obstruction of justice.

My dad came to visit....my brothers too.

3 months after I came out, I met James...he schooled me, cared for me, pleaded that I love him...that I reciprocate but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I don't know how...at this point having lost it all.

I'm going to need to be taught how to truly love.

by H