Wednesday, December 11, 2013

the Problem with my Dating History

This should be a little rant
The problem with my dating history is that, I believe sometimes, I work against myself.
I tend to say that I want one thing, but then I completely do something else. Or I pursue relationships that I know would be entirely short lived. Someone told me once that I'm scared to be happy. I always seem to fuck up a good thing, especially when everything is going great.... I sabotaged my great relationships, because something in my head keeps telling me that, we humans aren't supposed to be happy, and no happiness can be sustained for long periods... Or maybe the truth is that I sometimes believe that I don't deserve to be happy.
Either way, this cycle of subconscious reasoning has lead to a string of pursuing relationships that never seemed to have any chance... Almost reminiscent of building a Sand Castle on the eve of a high tidal Wave... I can build the Sand Castle, but I know in the morning it would be gone because the Ocean Waves would have washed it up and away.

Earlier this year, I started up by dating a much lady.... She was pretty, independent and didn't have any drama of a lingering ex. Seemed like a viable scenario... The problem was that she was older, much older.... she looked 32ish at most, but she was in her 40s.... she was never married and she didn't have kids, but she wanted both those things... her earlier years had been focused on her career and the things she did date, she always held out for the idea of getting married to her idea of what a perfect man should be... somewhere between, fending off suitors that didn't quite cut it and empowering herself financially, she was beautiful but single. She is fighting a losing battle with time, and it only makes her bitter about the missed chances of the past. For the brief time we were involved, she told me that it wouldn't work... she said that she was much too old and I was still very much young, she had the fear that all beautiful women have, the fear that one day she would wake up and I would have ran off with a hotter, younger version of her... I dont blame her, and I probably would have. It's a very valid concern... I mean, she was getting ready for her high school Prom when I was just getting ready to make my Entrance into the world. We tried working around the age thing, but sometimes age isn't just a number.

I moved on to someone else, Someone else i used mainly for the physical... I could not stand to spend more than 10 mins with her if we weren't having sex.... I liked everything about her physically, but I could stand whatever it was that she said... I repeatedly told her, we had nothing in common, there is no hope for a relationship, she would say ok that she understood, but she would call my Baby/Honey in the next breadth. I guess she kept believing that the sex would make me change my mind and fall in love... I kept believing that the more cruel I became to her, the more she would understand that there was no hope for me and her. In the end we kept believing whatever we wanted to believe. that was the most unhealthy human interaction I had been in a long while. Before we started getting physical, I knew in the pits of myself that nothing could ever become of this interaction, but you know what, I still went on with it... every time I emotionally abused this lady, I felt guilty, I felt guilty because I know that I have been raised better, I was raised to respect and honor women, but yet, I couldn't bring myself to respect this girl that i was using. maybe it was the fact that i decided to use her for sex and only for sex.
Needless to say, i broke off all interactions with the girl about 2 months ago, the guilt kept weighing me down, and i have been doing some soul searching...

thats why I'm back at this point... trying to reaffirm that the hopeless romantic still resides somewhere in the corner of my heart, that i can still feel excited about someone, and get those stupid butterflies that flutter in my stomach. i am trying to believe that i have hope at love, and that I am able to love someone truly for themselves.

I just met someone New, I only hope that I don't ruin whatever possibility of something real by resorting to all my old tricks of self sabotage.
More on the new girl in another post...

(though its more of a new crush, and I'm not even sure whether she likes/is ready for a relationship with me)

Hello Yet again?

so i tried to restart this blog a while back.... but honestly i really couldnt. i started this blog as a love blog.... my adventures, or my misadventures into finding love and life. somewhere between love poems and dating, i lost myself in a string of unhealthy encounters.... i lost myself entirely in the abyss of flash pan emotions that lasted less than the changing seasons. im 2 going on 3 years into this, and im not any closer to love. The women who could have been able to love me truly, i neglected, and the women who would never love, i restlessly tried to love.
i became a victim of my own pseudo relationships. hinging myself to a married woman here, a deeply committed Girlfriend there.... im not really sure what i was hoping for in those instances.

i haven't really dated for most of this year... i have been physically involved, but hardly emotionally involved, and i really miss that... being able to connect with someone, on an intellectual, emotional and physical level. having long conversations about everything and nothing, being able to kiss in sync, share goals, hopes and dreams.... i miss all that shit.... it does seem like its been too long. probably because its been about 3 years since i was last in anything serious.

I haven't been good to myself... i deserve better than i have allowed myself to receive. i deserve better than i have let myself become. i decided wholeheartedly that i would try to build a healthy relationship.

there are quite a few more things that i have left too say, but being able to vent and bear my heart and mind hasnt happened in awhile... i need time to be bold enough to say all the things on my mind.

i know that i stated that i need a healthy relationship... i just hope i have enough willpower to follow through on this promise to myself because at the end of the day............... i am intelligently stupid

Friday, July 5, 2013

I'M Back

Im back... i know its been a long while... Whats new? nothing really.... its just 6 months ago i closed my blog... i dated here and there, but nothing serious ever became of anything.... i Had to take a Leave of Absence of this Blog because? well because i had alot of things on my mind, that if i said on this blog, it would have probably gotten me in some hot water. Well all my hot water dating issues have been resolved for the most part, and now kinda in the clear from that person...

I may have been dating Aimlessly, and now i think i need to take some time of dating, and i should rediscover what it means to actually become a friend of a girl without expecting anything in return... the problem i have always had is that, i can hardly have an attractive friend that is a girl, without me want to act on my desire to screw her brains out (or at least attempt to screw her brains out and fail miserably while attempting).

basically, the jist is that im getting older, and i need to be able to form a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex, without the relationship being centered on SEX.

the past few people i dated, the dating was just me taking her out a few times just to have sex eventually... and me, myself realizing that the dates had no future other sex and an occasional text here and there.

both my two good friends are in good long term healthy relationships, and i kinda envy that...
for me to be able to put my mind in a frame of wanting to date for it to lead to a relationship, im going to need to take some time off dating entirely, and focus on self development.

i need to learn to have a healthy relationship with myself first.... learn to say No to the idea of sex just because im horny, i need to be able to view Sex as something that is meaningful and something that should be done because i care about the person.

Soo over the past few recent weeks i have been hanging out with girls that i have some sort of history with, and i have slowly been learning to keep my hands to myself... i wonder how long all this decency on my path would last...
Anyways, i guess what im saying is that this blog might become on which i begin to explore those mushy things in my body that they call feelings, and learn to ignore the horny side of me... i wish myself luck on this quest.

i was recently involved with a girl who has a kid, her kid is about 2 years old.... anyways, we were fooling around, and i go in to suck and play with her nipples..... and surprise, she is still lactating from her previous pregnancy.....
that was the weirdest surprise i have gotten all year... i think it would have been nice if she had told me "hey Dude, im still lactating", a lil disclaimer would have been ok.
needless to say, i havent fooled around with her after that.

Anyways... Happy 4th of July to all my fellow Americans

Saturday, December 15, 2012

hard to please

im easy to get along with but im soo hard to please.... actually im hard to get along with, a friend of mine told me im high maintenance in relationship situations. she was probably right. Thursday was my birthday, and the day didnt feel any different, except that i was constantly reminded that i was growing older (i have an Aging Phobia: fear of getting old).

New Girl called me early to wish me a happy birthday and she decided that she was going to let me in on what my birthday gift was, she was about to buy tickets to the Christmas show at Radio City Hall with the Rockettes... and you wouldnt believe what i told her.... i told her thanks for the Gesture, but i wasnt interested. I know it seems like a very mean thing to say, but my logic was that... im having very serious doubts about any kind of future between me and her, and i would hate for her to spend all that money on an experience neither her nor I would be able to forget... though i came up with an excuse and i excused myself out of it.

the truth is, i like her, but i dont think i like her enough to stop being my own person... im still in love with me, for very selfish reasons... and these lil weeks i have dated her for, have shown me that im not yet interested in settling down (maybe im not yet interested in settling down for HER in particular), but its brought some sort of Clarity to me.

I know i need to have The Talk with her soon enough (preferably this weekend) but im still trying to hold out, i guess im hoping for some divine sign to show that im being to hasty in my decision...

i already feel like a Jerk, But i figure i might as well just end it right now before stronger feelings start developing and she decides that she wants to do something Drastic.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

About the New Girl

I dont want to give you the wrong impression, i need love and affection.... and i hope im not sounding too desperate, but i need love and affection ~ love song Rihanna featuring Future

Hello Blogsville... Soo im finally dating someone seriously now, i would call her "New Girl"... well i have dated alot in the past but none have been this serious quite soo soon. on paper she has quite a lot of pros than cons on my list of  qualities for a serious girlfriend....

yeah i have a list of Qualities i look for.... and soo should you. its not like my list covers 2 or 3 pages, its pretty short and simple... i believe a girl needs to be college educated (either in college, gone through college or future college aspirations), physical attraction, open mindedness, nice/compassionate/considerate, nice physique and ambition.... see, i have a small list.

Anyways back to the topic, so i started dating a girl, met her in class, first time i met her i thought she was african, she has very strong african facially features (those kind of features that makes you spot your own kind out in the street) and she also had a big butt, soo i thought she most be Ghanian or something (well she isnt african, she is caribbean actually). She sat right in front of me the first day of class and i found it challenging to concentrate. i dont know whats up with me lately, but Big Butts are apparently in and my attraction radar is honing on to that.

Anyways.... we spoke off and on... she always seemed lukewarm during our conversations so i never really pushed it.... my prof had us do some group exercise soo i eventually had to get her number (i hate asking people for phone numbers because i never use it)... Soo thats how i got her phone number.
Asked her out on a date a week after i got her number, she refused the first time, Asked her again the following week, then she reluctantly agreed...

 Anyways, i just realized, this post isnt really about my first date with her, nor is it about how i first met her. its about how i always seem to find something wrong with every person i try to date...
Sooo me and New Girl just started dating about 3 or 4 weeks ago. you would think i should still be in the honeymoon phase right? well wrong... im almost ready too stop talking to her completely....

and im not sure whether the problem is her... or the problem is really me.

Things i have an issue with that New Girl does
New Girl calls me pet names and stupid shit like that... things like Baby, Babe, Sweetie.... no, i didnt say she texts me pet names, i mean she literally calls me pets names when im around her in public.... maybe its because i havent been in something serious for awhile, but i cringe whenever i hear her say that shit... i have told new Girl that my Regular Government name would be fine, but she still insist.

New Girl wants to see me Everyday... i dont mean that figuratively.... the first week she said that, i thought it was cute... but since the first week she has been very persistent... even after she sees me for the day, she calls my fone to tell me that she misses me even though she just saw me... its soo cute i almost feel like i need to Barf. now its moved from being cute to almost insanely clingy.

New Girl tried pulling a PDA on me.... i have never been one for PDA, even in my long term relationships... i hardly PDA'd, soo it was soo surprising to me when she tried PDAing even though we were just dating... granted that it could become more than dating possibly in the future, but for now and even in the future, PDA is a big no no for me.

New Girl is way too nice... nice in the fact that she checks up on me about whether i have eaten, if i woke up on time to go to work (im not a morning person so i often times sleep through my work Alarm).... she does way to much right now at the dating stage we are in... its only been 3 weeks and she seems like she is auditioning for future wife. im not sure im to happy with all this extraness that she is doing.

I know i seem like a Jerk for second guessing New Girl, because she is basically trying to show me that she has enough potential to be serious. But it just feels like she is doing too much or trying too hard... i want a serious relationship but im not dying to jump back into a relationship.
i like her, but she just needs to dial it back a little bit especially since a few days ago she said the L word and i just didnt know how to respond... i said thanks, that seemed like the only thing i really could say.

i think it may have been easier on me too tell her that we need some time to think things through and take a break at this point but i almost feel guilty right now because she literally broke up with her Boyfriend within the past 2 weeks just soo she could show me how serious she wanted us to be.....

Truthfully New Girl isnt a bad person to be in a relationship with.... but something about her just seems abit crazy.... am i the only person that sees this or im just over reacting?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Long Time No See

Long time no blog/see/read/speak... choose whatever verb you want. all i know is that it has been a while. With the craziness of Hurricane Sandy, My Job, School and my Dating life, shit has been real. this is gonna be a little update, i feel bad that i havent been communicating with anyone for a while so i want to tell you guys that im fine. sooo summary updates

my Crush.... i already said fuck her, soo im not even supposed to be talking about her. Actually its more like an Ex Crush.

i realized that i havent spoken about the 40something year old woman i mentioned a while back.... well i decided im not going to expand on the topic, the main jist is that, she flirted with me, i was bored so i flirted back, i kissed her, we made arrangements to have sex later, but i backed out before shit got real... first off, she is def old enough to be my mum, Second Off, if im going to be sleeping with an Older Woman, she better be a Sugar Mama, and she def didnt seem like she had enough Sugar.

I stopped paying attention to Niajablog Awards once i didnt get nominated.... fuck that blog.

School is kicking my butt but im almost done.

If i were an Anonymous blogger, i would spill some seriously confidential jist, but since im not... oh well.

So i started dating seriously, i met someone, she is cute, dark skinned, smart, nice physique and is above the legal drinking age, but she has/had a boyfriend. well at this point i have no idea what she has.... but we have been on a few dates... urghhh dates sounds soo formal. anyways things are getting kinda serious... well maybe a little too serious ... because 2 weeks after i met her, she went from telling me how much she loves her BF too telling me that she is breaking up with him. Well as always there is always more to the story, but its 2am and im sleepy so this is all you would get for now.

ohhh yeah, i just joined the people of the 21st century.... finally moved over from a blackberry to an iPhone, soo now i actually can use cool apps like instagram and all that good stuff.... email me your instagram and i would add you.

p.s. its my birthday month.... if you guys feel inclined to send me a gift, i would gladly receive it.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Fuck Crushes

Yeah i said it, Fuck Crushes.... im soo done having a crush for no good reason. If falling in love and getting into a relationship is going to involve all these crazy mixed feelings, then im soo over it. i thought i wanted a relationship, but nahh... i think im happy being by myself. the thing with relationships is that, when you really want one soo bad, it would almost never happen.... and im not one to ever lose my Cool over another person, and im not about ready to start doing that.
im not going to have a nervous break down thinking about her, nor would i keep making my thoughts roam towards her, i need to stop checking my phone every fucking 5 seconds to check for a reply, to a text i just sent... im not going to google her and find pictures of her online from her facebook, im not going to constantly check in the mirror and groom myself just before i see her, im not going to become shy and socially awkward around her, that shit is sooo played out.
infact, i should just delete her number from my phone, so i dont send random messages that make it way too obvious that im constantly vying for her attention.
If Cupid Brings ITS FUCKING ARROWS next to ME, im going to SHOOT CUPID.

i dont know how people get into relationships anymore, and im not sure i want to find out... im happy with the Psuedo Empty relationships i have had, and i think im content with Empty sex and Minimal Vulnerability.

basically for tonight, all i can say is, Fuck Crushes.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Disgruntled (Maybe)

As you all know, i campaigned earlier last month asking for votes to get nominated for the Nigerian Blog awards, Well the list are out already, and guess what.... i wasnt nominated in any Category  needless to say, im was very Disappointed.... very very disappointed. But then i waited a few mins, then a few hours, and maybe a Day or Two, and i still realize that im still very disappointed.
But i went through the nominations and i did find out that some nominations are actually well deserved nominations, and my disappointment only stemmed from the fact that i Overestimated myself as a Photographic Blogger, or a Relationship Blogger, and even as a Personal blogger. the Truth of the matter is that, the internet is a big big place, and its filled with a whole lot of people, and there a
lot of nigerians who are talented and consistent with their work.
So as much as i want to be disgruntled, i realize that there is no need, especially when those who are nominated for specific awards were well deserved. All i can do is tip my hat to those nominated and wish them luck.
Yes i wish i was nominated for an Award, but i cant always get whatever i want in life... so all i can do is make sure i push out better content as a personal, Photography and Relationship Blog. Anyways, that just my little rant.

p.s. im surprised Toin didnt get nominated too, she is hella hilarious as a personal blogger.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

the Truth About My Crush

Sooo.... i think i mentioned to you guys that i was crushing on somebody.... Well, Sometimes the truth about a person can leave you feeling Jaded. i know no one is perfect, but sometimes when reality shines it's light on the situation, all you can do is take a step back and re-evaluate the situation.

In actuality, she is Beautiful, Feisty, Petit, has a nice Physique and pursuing a College Education... so on paper she ticks a lot of my boxes. She knows how to take a little teasing without getting offended  and she also knows how to give a good teasing. We text often back and forth, and she is an open book. She has a full time job in the city and she is a full time student in school, that is something that is very admirable (i prefer girls who have a good job ethic and are responsible enough to earn money to pay for whatever they need or want). Her last relationship was about 3 years ago, she has dated a little bit here and there but she doesn't want anything serious to interfere with her school or the time she has with her family. She is old enough to buy alcohol for herself, so that means she is above 21 (i cant date a girl isnt older than 21, i just cant, girls younger than 21, i just dont know how to relate with them on a mental level)

She has a lot of things going for her, and on paper, this would be sooo freaking perfect..... but, the only Roadblock is that she isn't the Sharpest tool in the shed. im not calling myself Einstein nor do i need a girl who has an IQ of 250 or whatever, but i really do think she might be a bit slow. its not totally a bad thing, but its not a good thing either.

the only reason why i have come to the conclusion that she isn't to sharp is because we take a class together, a finance class... we are class partners and our prof usually gives us in class work to do. In class she often seems to need help, and she keeps talking about how smart i seem when i finish the problems and how we need to study together. I chalked it up to her playing the damsel in distress card so maybe we could know each other better outside class, but i had a study group with her, and Damn.... i almost dont really have any nice words, but it was a struggle for her to keep up with me trying to explain things to her. I assumed if it was a damsel in distress act, that she would wizen up during the Study group, but i really think its not an act anymore. its basically a tragedy... we got to talking and she was telling me about how she has only gotten an A in her Transcript and it was for Phys Ed.... i kindly told her not to repeat that anymore in front of me or in front of people.

this Revelation has surely taken a little bit of shine of my Crush, i mean, she is still good looking in my eyes, but just a little less soo. im a Sucker for Smart Girls and girls i can have interesting debates with about theology, life and philosphy.... maybe i have been spoilt by all my Exs for them being smarty pants, but if my crush is ever gonna progress to anything more than just Eye Candy, then im going to need to Overlock something that i have come to expect from the opposite sex.

She is attractive enough that she doesnt need to be smart in this male dominated world, but it really would have been the cherry on the cake if she was Beautiful and Mentally Sharp. I really want to overlook this little fault, but then something tells me i wouldnt be able to let it go. Anyways, look at me projecting to the future... after all, this is still a Crush and we are yet to even go out on an Official date.

p.s.  She told me that she was kinda Dating some guy, But she also did tell me that it wasnt serious.....

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Hopeless Crush

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away

Love Song for No one By John Mayer

these lyrics speak to me right now... i havent felt soo alone in a long while. i almost cant believe that im actually admitting this on my blog. I dare to say that i have been single for long enough, and im actually thinking of settling down and being in a relationship. The only problem is that i keeping crushing on  girls who probably aren't available, either emotionally or physically. 

Am I the only person who becomes dumb and paralyzed when Im around a crush? i try to look for something smart and witty to say, but i come off as being rude and disrespectful, So i shut up so that i dont offend her more than i have too, then because im quiet, she begins to think that im boring.... im a total wreck to the future of my love life. 

I hate the uncertainty of falling without ever knowing if the other person would catch you.... i hate the feeling of being powerless, i hate over analyzing text messages i receive from her, i hate being so sensitive to whatever she says and i hate seeking attention without being given. I have almost given up on love but i so desperately want to love. 

things were much easier when all i wanted to do was have fun.... this love business is serious business. 

I know all i need to do is just sleep this feeling off, and if i wake up and this stupid feeling is still there, then i would have to try to sleep a little bit longer, as i try to hit the snooze button to my emotions. 

All i can say is that this Crush is going to be the Wreck of me. 
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