baggage

It feels like my passion for continually updating my blog seems to be waning, i have contemplated shutting it down from time to time, but as usual, im the kind of person who wrestles with myself on issues like this. One minute im perfectly fine with my blog, then the next minute and struggling to keep the fire alive. Then it often seems like i mis-represent myself with my blog. I seem like a heart broken, lost and down right depressed soul from most of the work and blog post i put out, but there is probably nothing that is more farther than the truth (well at-least i would like to think so). The truth is that, i often write my poetry during my down time, and i often realize i write better when i usually feel a bit down or during random lonely moments. Besides, Good news hardly sells, if it did, our News Media would focus on reporting all the Good in the world. lol. 

Anyways, lets talk about Baggages, we all have it. we carry it around with us. Some have small Baggages, other have huge as Baggages, we cant often tell how much baggage a person has just by looking at them. its until you really get to know the person personally then you realize (wow, you are really screwed up.... lol, joking) that this person has issues and the person is not as perfect as you once thought there were. 

I have been looking for the best way to address the dirty elephant in the room, but im just gonna be as Frank and sincere as possible. 

there is no easy way to say this, but we all have baggages, we all have things we would rather not share with people, things we wish the whole world wouldn't know. we have issues that we constantly deal with, we have demons of the sort that  are our vices. our mental weaknesses, we have baggages that we keep hidden, until we find that one special someone who makes us feel safe enough to share all our baggages with. 

im Guessing thats what we are all looking for, someone who would readily share our baggage with us, to ease the load, to willingly take on all our insecurities, our troubles, our demons and personal vices and tell us that its Ok, and that they would love us no matter what. with all the baggages, and that they would help us work through it, so we could become better people essentially. 

i think the first step of the Baggage process is recognizing and accepting all your baggages, understanding that even though you have these baggages, they do not define you and they aren't essential to the person in which you are going to become. so, my first step is acceptance, yes i have baggages, i probably have more baggages than the average person. Im often times difficult to deal with sometimes, and i realize that the older i get, the more baggages i seem to be accumulating. so now, im admitting to myself that i might probably get worse, though im hoping for the best. 

My baggages are not are badge of honor, there are barely a representation of: this is me now, take me as i am, im broken, but i can eventually be fixed with time, but take me as i am none the less. 

i think the woman i may eventually get married too would have to be special to see my list of baggage and still want to decide to spend the rest of her life with me. 

So, if i decide to write and list my baggages, maybe i would be able to more one step closer to solving and unloading my baggage slowly. 

Paranoia

May be im using the wrong Adjective, or im strongly wording my description. Ok, so im going to say that i am highly skeptical about everything. i have been lied to and deceived a few times, because i previously was to eager and willing to believe anything and/or anybody. So excuse me, if now i have a hard time differentiating between genuine sincere compliments and words that people utter to me, just so i can carry out an agenda for them. See, the truth is, everyone has an Agenda, i am fine with people having agendas, but i prefer if atleast we are all honest with it. So, sometimes when i look at a Rose, while other people see the pretty colors of the flowers and the nice smell of the petals, i see thorns and a reminder of what happened the last time i overlooked the prettiness of the flower. i basically got pricked and now i think Roses are evil. 

Crush Whore

i am a crush whore, i crush a lot. i have liked girls ever since i can remember. i had my first crush when i was 6 years old. the funny thing was it was in Church. lol, who would have thought right. i have been given many nicknames, like Woman Wrapper and Ashewo. Good thing that i am painfully shy. I think with liking girls, i have been way ahead of the curve on my peers, while in primary school, when all my mates were saying Girls were Yucky, i was wondering "yall dudes are stupid and outta your minds". i always liked the tenderness of girls, the way they smelt, like pretty little flowers and i enjoyed how clueless i was about the workings of what made Females tick. Well truthfully, 25 years down the line, and i can confidently say that, im still clueless about what makes females tick. I have matured now, my crushes are now usually on a different scale, i hardly get crushes on just from first sight, my crushes usually develop from constant conversation and actual bonding over  commonalities that i actually might share with a girl. 

Short Attention Span

i have a painfully short attention span, with almost everything. i get intrigued, i engross myself in it, then i lose all interest eventually. The Story of most things in my life. For my interest or attention not to wane, i need some form of constant evolution, a perpetual change. i need my mind to be challenged in the nicest way possible. See, i have had many relationships, but very few long term relationships. i have only had 3 long term relationships and when i say long term i mean anything longer than 7 months. though i am certainly trying to change all that. 

Cheating

With the random Crushing, the paranoia and short attention span, im certain you had to figure that this Horrible trait had to be in the mix somewhere. This is not something i am proud of. this is something im working on, and this is something i believe i can overcome with the right person. Truthfully, even though im heart broken about my Ex, the reason we aren't together anymore is all my fault, and it certainly has elements of cheating from my end. i can not stress how horrible i have felt since i realized how much hurt this Baggage of mine has caused. Since my Ex, i have seriously Vowed that i am never going to cheat again. And im not going to enter into a relationship with anyone until i can honestly tell the person that, i would never cheat on them and 110% mean it totally. 

Ex Girlfriend Baggage

Obviously, i certainly have some baggage from my previous relationships. I have always jumped from one relationship to the other, i never actually ever gave myself anytime to settle down, to find out exactly what i want, or who i would want to be. So, with new relationship in which i entered every time, i would bring some element of the previous relationship in with me. a previous fear i experienced, a previous insecurity, a previous vice, a previous demon that i had to deal with. Unashamedly, i am honestly a relationship kind of guy, i would rather be in a Monogamous relationship with one special person than have multiple people that i have casual relations with. 

Miscellaneous 

okay, so im head lining this as Misc. because, there are a number of small random Baggages, well, there are more like carry ons. im stubborn, vindictive, Vengeful and spoilt. Im one of those people who thinks there are always right, most times i am, most times im wrong. i can realize when i am wrong, it may take me a while to admit that i am wrong, but its a long process. just because i am stubborn, i always tend to want to have my way. i may be stubborn and spoilt in a subtle kind of way. im not the aggressive shout in your ear till you wield to my will kind of person. I am the quiet passive aggressive type of stubborn. get my message across in very subtle ways. Well, its not my fault, i was raised amongst 4 older girls (with all the girls i grew up with, you would think i would understand girls right? wrong) and i was the youngest boy, so i picked up a few passive aggressive techniques along the way. And well because i was raised around 4 older girls, i was raised a little spoilt, i have always been somewhat catered too. Don't get me wrong, i don't just sit on my ass and say cater to me, if im ever in a relationship with a person, if i ever get catered too, then i always repeat in kind. what is a healthy relationship if you don't repeat good deeds in kind. in summary, i am  almost like the semi permeable membrane poem from Eat.Pray.Love .

okay, anyways, its starting to feel like i am rambling, so on that note, im going to stop my post here. lol. for all those who stayed and read the blog to the End, Kudos to you. sooo, you could tell me what you think, and if you want too, leave a note on what your own baggage is (thats if you are brave enough)

Unfortunately, i wish all my Baggage came in designer bags, then it would be slightly less appalling to look at or less more tiring to carry around. 

Poem

My Memories of you keep me one step farther away from the ledge

and the sweet promises of our tomorrows make my todays less gloomy than they once was

you remind me of all the good thats left in the world

and i swear your eyes hold the keys to happiness in them

your kisses steal away the heart aches i learned to love

so now im learning ways to love you back that would take a lifetime

im not sure my lifetime is enough time to spend with you

so when we do reincarnate

im certain my heart would find its way back to you