The Knowing

First off.... im alive
Second..... hello, im absolutely certain that you missed me.


i know after my last post it almost seemed like i was contemplating Suicide, but to calm everyone's nerves down, im alright, No Suicide or anything is happening anytime soon. Soo, i guess the blogworld is stuck with me for a little bit. 


i apologize for going MIA.... (well its only been 2 or 3 weeks, it really hasnt been that long), Life just caught up with me, and after life caught up with me, i decided that i needed to slack on my blog postings for just abit. the truth is, i am a Procrastinator by nature... actually, it come natural, and when it doesnt come natural, then i look for ways to make my procrastination into a hobby. Only if i could get paid for Procrastinating.. (Actually, the Senators and Representatives in Congress actually get paid for not doing any serious work when they need too)


i would love to go on a Tangent about politics and current affairs, because im follow current issues and stuff, but this is not a Political Blog, soooo all that is going to have to take a back seat. 


Third: Happy Thanksgiving
Fourth: I did hesitate blogging because i realize that my blogs have a way of making me feel so exposed and vulnerable.... i almost forget that im not an Anonymous blogger, and some subject topics do tend to be a bit Fucked up.... a few people who frequent my blog know me outside the blog circles, and im almost certain a few opinions about me have changed over the exposure of some of my blogs.... im only human and i have flaws, the only difference is, in real life, i spend most of my time Trying to cover up all my flaws to everyone around, but on my blog post, i stand naked with my flaws....  the dual nature of that sends conflict to my psyche each time i try putting out any post. 
all i can ask for, is not to be judged (harshly), but i know i would be judged regardless... 




sooo that was my mini introduction for being back from my Hiatus
now to the Subject matter, The Knowing.



Have you ever been in a situation where you had a crush on someone, or you liked someone, or you were in a relationship with someone that you knew was going to break your heart?
That feeling right there is "the Knowing", when you know that the person you have feelings for would eventually break your heart. 
At some point in life, this probably would have happened to you or it would be happening to you right now, or if it hasn't happened to you yet, then it might soon happen to you. im certain this happens to everyone. We may be the cause sometimes, and i think sometimes, we are the victims of "the knowing"


What do you do, when or if you know you are about to be the victim of "the knowing"?
Truthfully, i wish i had the answer to that question.... but all i can say is hope and pray that you would be able to survive the heartache. 




Recently, a good friend of mine confessed that she had more feelings for me than she had let on. This would be Awkward ordinarily if i only saw her as a friend but, me and her have some history together, we never actually ever dated, nor did we ever get into a relationship. 


Brief history about me and my friend:
We meet through a mutual friend in school.... we had a few smooth conversations and we transitioned from casual talks to, 


Her: hey, i think you are cute &  
Me: hey i think you are beautiful....
(isnt that the way all friendly conversations go anyway?? lol)


and we went from talking to kissing, and OMG does she know how to kiss... okay, not to bore you guys with the details, me and her got a bit physical too early. Lord knows that i dont regret us getting Physical because, i connected with her like i have never ever connected with anyone Physically. i never felt sex was spiritual or an out of body experience until i met her. There are a few names, there are a few sensations, there are a few kisses with Girls who i may or may not remember at all, but i do know one thing, ever since i got physical with her, i have not been able to forget her or anything about her. i have been with a number of people after her, but things never quite measured up, But its Ok.... it was not that everyone else wasnt good, or that i didnt enjoy a particular kiss or whatever, its just this particular friend of mine, has a Spot that no one has been able to surpass, Physically. 


i can go on and on about how much we connect physically, but the truth is, i connect with her more on a mental level, an example is im a horrible person on the phone... any of my Exs or Friends or Acquaintances would let you know that, i hate phone conversations, im allergic to putting my ears on the phone.... i would rather send an Email or a Text message than to receive a phone call. 
But with her, its different, once i pick up the phone and i say hello, im lost in a time vortex for 3 hours, time flies by with the words she speaks, i hang on to each and every word she says, the intonation and her pronunciation are like a carefully crafted waltz of the tongue, i dont know how to end the conversations i have with her, and truthfully i dont want too. How she does it, i really have no idea. 


for the past 2 years or so, we have just been friends, we have seen each other go into and out of other relationships.... and we have just remained friends. the timing was never always right, and there was always someone in either her background or my background that we could never take each other seriously. When a situation around seems like its permanent, then you begin to think to yourself that thats the way it would always be.... so i began to take solace in the fact that i had an Awesome friend like her, and i would think, probably in a parallel universe things between us worked out, but since im in this universe things would remain as they are, we just being friends. 


So, now there is no one in the background in each of our lives, no girlfriends, no boyfriends, no Exs, just us... but i had gotten used to the idea of us being good friends, soo i was pleasantly surprised when she told me her little secret for me. You would think it should be easy for us to get down to business and be serious about eachother, but truthfully, i think it might be a recipe for disaster. 


i have a horrible track record with females, plus i think i sabotage almost all relationships im in. im no good with relationships, we atleast no right now. She knows this about me, im capable of sooo much good, but im also capable of being really bad. i can promise that she would be happy, i can promise that we could have alot of fun, i can promise to make her smile when she needs it, But apart from all the things i can promise to her, there are more things i cant promise, and it is the fact that there are things which i cant promise for certainty.... that i think this might be a recipe for disaster. she knows that probable one day i would be able to make all the promises that she would want me to make to her and keep them, but for now, im further way from that day than she would like. 


no Poetry today.