Hello Yet again?

so i tried to restart this blog a while back.... but honestly i really couldnt. i started this blog as a love blog.... my adventures, or my misadventures into finding love and life. somewhere between love poems and dating, i lost myself in a string of unhealthy encounters.... i lost myself entirely in the abyss of flash pan emotions that lasted less than the changing seasons. im 2 going on 3 years into this, and im not any closer to love. The women who could have been able to love me truly, i neglected, and the women who would never love, i restlessly tried to love.
i became a victim of my own pseudo relationships. hinging myself to a married woman here, a deeply committed Girlfriend there.... im not really sure what i was hoping for in those instances.

i haven't really dated for most of this year... i have been physically involved, but hardly emotionally involved, and i really miss that... being able to connect with someone, on an intellectual, emotional and physical level. having long conversations about everything and nothing, being able to kiss in sync, share goals, hopes and dreams.... i miss all that shit.... it does seem like its been too long. probably because its been about 3 years since i was last in anything serious.

I haven't been good to myself... i deserve better than i have allowed myself to receive. i deserve better than i have let myself become. i decided wholeheartedly that i would try to build a healthy relationship.

there are quite a few more things that i have left too say, but being able to vent and bear my heart and mind hasnt happened in awhile... i need time to be bold enough to say all the things on my mind.

i know that i stated that i need a healthy relationship... i just hope i have enough willpower to follow through on this promise to myself because at the end of the day............... i am intelligently stupid