Guest Blog - The Ambivalent Heart

Before I begin, I thought I should say a few things.
(1) Thank you Mr.LoveLifeForSale for the guest blogging opportunity. 'Tis an honor.
(2) He told me I had to write on the topic of love.. I only write blogs on topics of love, but lately I've felt like my love well's run dry. So I told him I'd write about him.
So what you see below is an entry...from me, about him, to you.

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The Ambivalent Heart

You know, in a way, he's everything I ever wanted.
"Someone who gets me" is what I wished for.. and he certainly does.
But he's also everything I don't want..
I know what he's capable of.. and I don't like it.
I could say I wish I didn't know, but I'm glad I do...
I'm glad that despite what I may end up thinking of him...
the good, bad, and very ugly... he tells me it all anyway..
And I guess that's why I like him..
His honesty... Brutal.. fucking honesty.
But it's this same honesty that lets me know how deceitful he can be.
I don't want that. I can't have that... I can't want that right?
I am afraid of being hurt... by him.
If this were a year ago, I would have never believed he could hurt me.
Matter-of-fact, I knew, if anything, I could easily hurt him.
When did I grant him this power over me?
When did he sneak in and.. infiltrate my heart?
I've never directly given him my heart and I don't think I ever planned on it.
I'm not sure I ever could.
I don't think he's ready for me.
And I'm not sure if I could ever be ready for him.
I don't know if my heart would ever let me.
I'm not sure if my mind would let me.
On paper, he's just about perfect for me.
In person, he's just about perfect for me.
In reality.. and in fantasy... I'm not sure if he's what I'd call perfection.
He's far from perfect. He is actually the perfect imperfection.
But I tend to be pulled in by the fallen angel...
Tempted by the challenge of their nature.
I get absorbed in his presence.
Wanting to soak up whatever his essence might be..
Knowing very well that his essence isn't pure..
And it scares me to know that I could be so lured by the darkness..
Yet it's this same darkness that makes me hesitate..
makes me want to push and stay very far away.....
I can hear the warnings.. my intuition telling me that if I step into his domain
I will get burned...
And yet I'm enticed by the heat.. the fiery light.. the raging energy...
It warms my soul
And I want to bathe and bask in it until the smoke becomes unbearable.
He is the friend I cherish..
and we have a friendship I don't know I want to risk losing
within the intricate labyrinth of love.
You are everything I could have wanted..
and everything I could have not.
How do I settle my ambivalent heart?
 


Niki I.<< link to my blog