im a lover of life, im a lover of soul and things that breathe, im a lover of love and like everyone else, i long to be loved.... i often get in the way of loving life truly with no restrictions, because i sometimes accept the limitations within society, im human so i err, that also means im unique, just like everyone else. :)
Sooo these are things i figured i should update y'all on
About the nice young lady from the post Borrowed Love... well, lets just say, i was a bit curious about things, i had my questions, i wasnt sure if things or if everything was resolved. After all, she kinda drove me to the point of Smoking and Drinking...(ok, maybe im just using her as an excuse a little bit), but things did change both with my mental and emotional status when we started messing around, i guess the guilt was eating me alive. Sooo, to be sure that i was completely over her and ready to move on, i had to visit her one more time. sooo i did visit her, we chatted, she invited me to spend the night over and because i am a gentleman, i accepted her invitation. though i spent the night, nothing happened, and i was proud of myself for being able to resist the urge (pat on my back, though sometimes in retrospect, i think i should have had sex one last time, lol) we are now friends and strictly friends (but can i call someone a friend if i dont call or text them for weeks at a time?) sooo i guess im making strides in the right direction.
About my New Year Resolutions from 2011 january 1.... well, lets just say that i broke all my resolutions, but hopefully im back on track now. i was having a talk with a friend the other day, and she pointed out to me that this was actually the longest i have been without a relationship (1yr and a couple of months, i know its sad that i always found myself in a relationship for most of my adult life :(...) , soo she told me that, im going to get soo used to being single that when i accidentally find myself in a relationship, i would not know how exactly to behave because i have been soo single for soooooooo looong. i think she might be right, but i hope she isnt.
About the abs i promised myself for my birthday, well im glad to inform you guys that, my stomach isnt gonna be seeing abs this birthday.... the problem is, the Gym had to give way to school, sooo school rules till christmas break, plus i got abit lazy.... Ok, honestly, i get fit and in shape for the ladies (abit vain right?), yeah i know the health bonuses of being in shape are good, but my main motivation is to be attractive (we all want to be attractive, dont judge me because im being truthful) Sooo, Everytime i feel fat or out of shape, i decide to myself that im gonna do better.(im going to go hard in the gym for the next month or soo, right). Just after i make this commitment to myself, i find myself in public minding my own business, then i get random Compliments from Random strangers (see the random compliments are counter- productive)....i say thank you, before i turn purple from blushing because im kinda dark skinned. I think Girls who are confident enough to compliment a guy without caring what people think are sexy, there is just some unknown strength i see in a girl who does that.
Im almost certain i dont have Body dysmorphic disorder, but i cant say for sure. some days i waking up loving my body, somedays it feels like a hang over after a one night stand.
Everytime i think of slacking off, and i decide i dont want to work out or that im just not feeling like doing anything productive, i watch this video for motivation.
If i needed to go for a run before i watched this video and i was slacking, after i watch the video, i go for a motherfucking run. believe me.
p.s. i definitely ate a weeks worth of food on thanksgiving, hope yall were just as greedy as i was... and too all the canadians who had theirs a months earlier, yall know that Americans do it better and bigger :) lol.
First off.... im alive Second..... hello, im absolutely certain that you missed me.
i know after my last post it almost seemed like i was contemplating Suicide, but to calm everyone's nerves down, im alright, No Suicide or anything is happening anytime soon. Soo, i guess the blogworld is stuck with me for a little bit.
i apologize for going MIA.... (well its only been 2 or 3 weeks, it really hasnt been that long), Life just caught up with me, and after life caught up with me, i decided that i needed to slack on my blog postings for just abit. the truth is, i am a Procrastinator by nature... actually, it come natural, and when it doesnt come natural, then i look for ways to make my procrastination into a hobby. Only if i could get paid for Procrastinating.. (Actually, the Senators and Representatives in Congress actually get paid for not doing any serious work when they need too)
i would love to go on a Tangent about politics and current affairs, because im follow current issues and stuff, but this is not a Political Blog, soooo all that is going to have to take a back seat.
Third: Happy Thanksgiving Fourth: I did hesitate blogging because i realize that my blogs have a way of making me feel so exposed and vulnerable.... i almost forget that im not an Anonymous blogger, and some subject topics do tend to be a bit Fucked up.... a few people who frequent my blog know me outside the blog circles, and im almost certain a few opinions about me have changed over the exposure of some of my blogs.... im only human and i have flaws, the only difference is, in real life, i spend most of my time Trying to cover up all my flaws to everyone around, but on my blog post, i stand naked with my flaws.... the dual nature of that sends conflict to my psyche each time i try putting out any post. all i can ask for, is not to be judged (harshly), but i know i would be judged regardless...
sooo that was my mini introduction for being back from my Hiatus now to the Subject matter, The Knowing.
This is the feeling you get when you are coming down from a high, Like the day after you have you first ecstasy pill, the high is unlike no other, and you life couldnt be better than what you feel at the moment, every one is beautiful to you, and everything in the world shines brightly with unending beauty. no more worries, wars dont exist when you are that high, peace and love are emotions that you can feel running through you veins, and life is in full HD. then when you wake up from the high, there is nothing in the world that can make you happy, you are in a depression that life becomes almost meaningless, you flirt endlessly with suicidal thoughts and death.... and you arent certain if you really would ever follow through with all the flirting. This is the morning after. the morning after taking drugs, the morning after your heart ache, the morning after all unnerving addictions.
we all have morning afters, there might never be this graphic or this detailed, but we all have those lows... so this was inspired by one of those lows.
Poem Sooo all my emotions are synthesized my cries for help are drowned out by the imaginary voices that kept me up from the night before im busy trying to get to a high to a higher altered state of mind its the only way i can cope with my reality today smoke a lil more drink till the bottom of the bottle empty mindless sex these are all my companions the morning after
p.s. im wondering if any of my followers have every flirted with suicide??? im also wondering if any of my followers who have, would be willing to admit something like that????
