the Problem with my Dating History

This should be a little rant
The problem with my dating history is that, I believe sometimes, I work against myself.
I tend to say that I want one thing, but then I completely do something else. Or I pursue relationships that I know would be entirely short lived. Someone told me once that I'm scared to be happy. I always seem to fuck up a good thing, especially when everything is going great.... I sabotaged my great relationships, because something in my head keeps telling me that, we humans aren't supposed to be happy, and no happiness can be sustained for long periods... Or maybe the truth is that I sometimes believe that I don't deserve to be happy.
Either way, this cycle of subconscious reasoning has lead to a string of pursuing relationships that never seemed to have any chance... Almost reminiscent of building a Sand Castle on the eve of a high tidal Wave... I can build the Sand Castle, but I know in the morning it would be gone because the Ocean Waves would have washed it up and away.

Earlier this year, I started up by dating a much lady.... She was pretty, independent and didn't have any drama of a lingering ex. Seemed like a viable scenario... The problem was that she was older, much older.... she looked 32ish at most, but she was in her 40s.... she was never married and she didn't have kids, but she wanted both those things... her earlier years had been focused on her career and the things she did date, she always held out for the idea of getting married to her idea of what a perfect man should be... somewhere between, fending off suitors that didn't quite cut it and empowering herself financially, she was beautiful but single. She is fighting a losing battle with time, and it only makes her bitter about the missed chances of the past. For the brief time we were involved, she told me that it wouldn't work... she said that she was much too old and I was still very much young, she had the fear that all beautiful women have, the fear that one day she would wake up and I would have ran off with a hotter, younger version of her... I dont blame her, and I probably would have. It's a very valid concern... I mean, she was getting ready for her high school Prom when I was just getting ready to make my Entrance into the world. We tried working around the age thing, but sometimes age isn't just a number.

I moved on to someone else, Someone else i used mainly for the physical... I could not stand to spend more than 10 mins with her if we weren't having sex.... I liked everything about her physically, but I could stand whatever it was that she said... I repeatedly told her, we had nothing in common, there is no hope for a relationship, she would say ok that she understood, but she would call my Baby/Honey in the next breadth. I guess she kept believing that the sex would make me change my mind and fall in love... I kept believing that the more cruel I became to her, the more she would understand that there was no hope for me and her. In the end we kept believing whatever we wanted to believe. that was the most unhealthy human interaction I had been in a long while. Before we started getting physical, I knew in the pits of myself that nothing could ever become of this interaction, but you know what, I still went on with it... every time I emotionally abused this lady, I felt guilty, I felt guilty because I know that I have been raised better, I was raised to respect and honor women, but yet, I couldn't bring myself to respect this girl that i was using. maybe it was the fact that i decided to use her for sex and only for sex.
Needless to say, i broke off all interactions with the girl about 2 months ago, the guilt kept weighing me down, and i have been doing some soul searching...

thats why I'm back at this point... trying to reaffirm that the hopeless romantic still resides somewhere in the corner of my heart, that i can still feel excited about someone, and get those stupid butterflies that flutter in my stomach. i am trying to believe that i have hope at love, and that I am able to love someone truly for themselves.

I just met someone New, I only hope that I don't ruin whatever possibility of something real by resorting to all my old tricks of self sabotage.
More on the new girl in another post...

(though its more of a new crush, and I'm not even sure whether she likes/is ready for a relationship with me)

Hello Yet again?

so i tried to restart this blog a while back.... but honestly i really couldnt. i started this blog as a love blog.... my adventures, or my misadventures into finding love and life. somewhere between love poems and dating, i lost myself in a string of unhealthy encounters.... i lost myself entirely in the abyss of flash pan emotions that lasted less than the changing seasons. im 2 going on 3 years into this, and im not any closer to love. The women who could have been able to love me truly, i neglected, and the women who would never love, i restlessly tried to love.
i became a victim of my own pseudo relationships. hinging myself to a married woman here, a deeply committed Girlfriend there.... im not really sure what i was hoping for in those instances.

i haven't really dated for most of this year... i have been physically involved, but hardly emotionally involved, and i really miss that... being able to connect with someone, on an intellectual, emotional and physical level. having long conversations about everything and nothing, being able to kiss in sync, share goals, hopes and dreams.... i miss all that shit.... it does seem like its been too long. probably because its been about 3 years since i was last in anything serious.

I haven't been good to myself... i deserve better than i have allowed myself to receive. i deserve better than i have let myself become. i decided wholeheartedly that i would try to build a healthy relationship.

there are quite a few more things that i have left too say, but being able to vent and bear my heart and mind hasnt happened in awhile... i need time to be bold enough to say all the things on my mind.

i know that i stated that i need a healthy relationship... i just hope i have enough willpower to follow through on this promise to myself because at the end of the day............... i am intelligently stupid

I'M Back

Im back... i know its been a long while... Whats new? nothing really.... its just 6 months ago i closed my blog... i dated here and there, but nothing serious ever became of anything.... i Had to take a Leave of Absence of this Blog because? well because i had alot of things on my mind, that if i said on this blog, it would have probably gotten me in some hot water. Well all my hot water dating issues have been resolved for the most part, and now kinda in the clear from that person...

I may have been dating Aimlessly, and now i think i need to take some time of dating, and i should rediscover what it means to actually become a friend of a girl without expecting anything in return... the problem i have always had is that, i can hardly have an attractive friend that is a girl, without me want to act on my desire to screw her brains out (or at least attempt to screw her brains out and fail miserably while attempting).

basically, the jist is that im getting older, and i need to be able to form a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex, without the relationship being centered on SEX.

the past few people i dated, the dating was just me taking her out a few times just to have sex eventually... and me, myself realizing that the dates had no future other sex and an occasional text here and there.

both my two good friends are in good long term healthy relationships, and i kinda envy that...
for me to be able to put my mind in a frame of wanting to date for it to lead to a relationship, im going to need to take some time off dating entirely, and focus on self development.

i need to learn to have a healthy relationship with myself first.... learn to say No to the idea of sex just because im horny, i need to be able to view Sex as something that is meaningful and something that should be done because i care about the person.

Soo over the past few recent weeks i have been hanging out with girls that i have some sort of history with, and i have slowly been learning to keep my hands to myself... i wonder how long all this decency on my path would last...
Anyways, i guess what im saying is that this blog might become on which i begin to explore those mushy things in my body that they call feelings, and learn to ignore the horny side of me... i wish myself luck on this quest.

P.S.
i was recently involved with a girl who has a kid, her kid is about 2 years old.... anyways, we were fooling around, and i go in to suck and play with her nipples..... and surprise, she is still lactating from her previous pregnancy.....
that was the weirdest surprise i have gotten all year... i think it would have been nice if she had told me "hey Dude, im still lactating", a lil disclaimer would have been ok.
needless to say, i havent fooled around with her after that.

Anyways... Happy 4th of July to all my fellow Americans