Fuck Crushes

Yeah i said it, Fuck Crushes.... im soo done having a crush for no good reason. If falling in love and getting into a relationship is going to involve all these crazy mixed feelings, then im soo over it. i thought i wanted a relationship, but nahh... i think im happy being by myself. the thing with relationships is that, when you really want one soo bad, it would almost never happen.... and im not one to ever lose my Cool over another person, and im not about ready to start doing that.
im not going to have a nervous break down thinking about her, nor would i keep making my thoughts roam towards her, i need to stop checking my phone every fucking 5 seconds to check for a reply, to a text i just sent... im not going to google her and find pictures of her online from her facebook, im not going to constantly check in the mirror and groom myself just before i see her, im not going to become shy and socially awkward around her, that shit is sooo played out.
infact, i should just delete her number from my phone, so i dont send random messages that make it way too obvious that im constantly vying for her attention.
If Cupid Brings ITS FUCKING ARROWS next to ME, im going to SHOOT CUPID.

i dont know how people get into relationships anymore, and im not sure i want to find out... im happy with the Psuedo Empty relationships i have had, and i think im content with Empty sex and Minimal Vulnerability.

basically for tonight, all i can say is, Fuck Crushes.

Disgruntled (Maybe)

As you all know, i campaigned earlier last month asking for votes to get nominated for the Nigerian Blog awards, Well the list are out already, and guess what.... i wasnt nominated in any Category  needless to say, im was very Disappointed.... very very disappointed. But then i waited a few mins, then a few hours, and maybe a Day or Two, and i still realize that im still very disappointed.
But i went through the nominations and i did find out that some nominations are actually well deserved nominations, and my disappointment only stemmed from the fact that i Overestimated myself as a Photographic Blogger, or a Relationship Blogger, and even as a Personal blogger. the Truth of the matter is that, the internet is a big big place, and its filled with a whole lot of people, and there a
lot of nigerians who are talented and consistent with their work.
So as much as i want to be disgruntled, i realize that there is no need, especially when those who are nominated for specific awards were well deserved. All i can do is tip my hat to those nominated and wish them luck.
Yes i wish i was nominated for an Award, but i cant always get whatever i want in life... so all i can do is make sure i push out better content as a personal, Photography and Relationship Blog. Anyways, that just my little rant.


p.s. im surprised Toin didnt get nominated too, she is hella hilarious as a personal blogger.

the Truth About My Crush

Sooo.... i think i mentioned to you guys that i was crushing on somebody.... Well, Sometimes the truth about a person can leave you feeling Jaded. i know no one is perfect, but sometimes when reality shines it's light on the situation, all you can do is take a step back and re-evaluate the situation.

In actuality, she is Beautiful, Feisty, Petit, has a nice Physique and pursuing a College Education... so on paper she ticks a lot of my boxes. She knows how to take a little teasing without getting offended  and she also knows how to give a good teasing. We text often back and forth, and she is an open book. She has a full time job in the city and she is a full time student in school, that is something that is very admirable (i prefer girls who have a good job ethic and are responsible enough to earn money to pay for whatever they need or want). Her last relationship was about 3 years ago, she has dated a little bit here and there but she doesn't want anything serious to interfere with her school or the time she has with her family. She is old enough to buy alcohol for herself, so that means she is above 21 (i cant date a girl isnt older than 21, i just cant, girls younger than 21, i just dont know how to relate with them on a mental level)

She has a lot of things going for her, and on paper, this would be sooo freaking perfect..... but, the only Roadblock is that she isn't the Sharpest tool in the shed. im not calling myself Einstein nor do i need a girl who has an IQ of 250 or whatever, but i really do think she might be a bit slow. its not totally a bad thing, but its not a good thing either.

the only reason why i have come to the conclusion that she isn't to sharp is because we take a class together, a finance class... we are class partners and our prof usually gives us in class work to do. In class she often seems to need help, and she keeps talking about how smart i seem when i finish the problems and how we need to study together. I chalked it up to her playing the damsel in distress card so maybe we could know each other better outside class, but i had a study group with her, and Damn.... i almost dont really have any nice words, but it was a struggle for her to keep up with me trying to explain things to her. I assumed if it was a damsel in distress act, that she would wizen up during the Study group, but i really think its not an act anymore. its basically a tragedy... we got to talking and she was telling me about how she has only gotten an A in her Transcript and it was for Phys Ed.... i kindly told her not to repeat that anymore in front of me or in front of people.

this Revelation has surely taken a little bit of shine of my Crush, i mean, she is still good looking in my eyes, but just a little less soo. im a Sucker for Smart Girls and girls i can have interesting debates with about theology, life and philosphy.... maybe i have been spoilt by all my Exs for them being smarty pants, but if my crush is ever gonna progress to anything more than just Eye Candy, then im going to need to Overlock something that i have come to expect from the opposite sex.

She is attractive enough that she doesnt need to be smart in this male dominated world, but it really would have been the cherry on the cake if she was Beautiful and Mentally Sharp. I really want to overlook this little fault, but then something tells me i wouldnt be able to let it go. Anyways, look at me projecting to the future... after all, this is still a Crush and we are yet to even go out on an Official date.


p.s.  She told me that she was kinda Dating some guy, But she also did tell me that it wasnt serious.....

Hopeless Crush

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away

Love Song for No one By John Mayer

these lyrics speak to me right now... i havent felt soo alone in a long while. i almost cant believe that im actually admitting this on my blog. I dare to say that i have been single for long enough, and im actually thinking of settling down and being in a relationship. The only problem is that i keeping crushing on  girls who probably aren't available, either emotionally or physically. 

Am I the only person who becomes dumb and paralyzed when Im around a crush? i try to look for something smart and witty to say, but i come off as being rude and disrespectful, So i shut up so that i dont offend her more than i have too, then because im quiet, she begins to think that im boring.... im a total wreck to the future of my love life. 

I hate the uncertainty of falling without ever knowing if the other person would catch you.... i hate the feeling of being powerless, i hate over analyzing text messages i receive from her, i hate being so sensitive to whatever she says and i hate seeking attention without being given. I have almost given up on love but i so desperately want to love. 

things were much easier when all i wanted to do was have fun.... this love business is serious business. 

I know all i need to do is just sleep this feeling off, and if i wake up and this stupid feeling is still there, then i would have to try to sleep a little bit longer, as i try to hit the snooze button to my emotions. 

All i can say is that this Crush is going to be the Wreck of me. 

Repost: Poetry

Wow, i have been a bit too bust to write a proper post....
i was looking at my old Archives and i found this poem...
i havent written a piece in a while, im not sure what exactly might be the reason
maybe im lacking inspiration, maybe im a little bit disillusioned by love, maybe im losing faith in myself....
i dont want to sound like a loser but, a part of me wants to desperately settle down with a nice cute girl who understands me, but another part of me wants to just say "Fuck Love".
This poem reminds me of what i used to be, how i used to feel... i miss my old self.
i think i just need to do some soul searching.
Anyways, here is the poem, hope you enjoy it.


Poetry

Kiss me, 
just for a little longer
and whisper all the sweet nothings 
i have always imagined you saying to me
lie to me
for i give you my permission and my heart
steal my words with your passionate kisses and soft lips
the voices in my head
are slowly getting louder
so excuse me if im screaming silently 
as you walk away from me yet again
your presence is my therapy
your scent is my sanity
im crazy about you
no, actually i am just plain crazy without you
i would sell my soul over and over and over again
because i know being around you
is like free falling with a broken parachute
but its a pain so deep and so raw
im willing to make believe 
that my plunge from the edge of reason 
is actually more than a feeble attempt
in learning to fall in love