This should be a little rant
The problem with my dating history is that, I believe sometimes, I work against myself.
I tend to say that I want one thing, but then I completely do something else. Or I pursue relationships that I know would be entirely short lived. Someone told me once that I'm scared to be happy. I always seem to fuck up a good thing, especially when everything is going great.... I sabotaged my great relationships, because something in my head keeps telling me that, we humans aren't supposed to be happy, and no happiness can be sustained for long periods... Or maybe the truth is that I sometimes believe that I don't deserve to be happy.
Either way, this cycle of subconscious reasoning has lead to a string of pursuing relationships that never seemed to have any chance... Almost reminiscent of building a Sand Castle on the eve of a high tidal Wave... I can build the Sand Castle, but I know in the morning it would be gone because the Ocean Waves would have washed it up and away.
Earlier this year, I started up by dating a much lady.... She was pretty, independent and didn't have any drama of a lingering ex. Seemed like a viable scenario... The problem was that she was older, much older.... she looked 32ish at most, but she was in her 40s.... she was never married and she didn't have kids, but she wanted both those things... her earlier years had been focused on her career and the things she did date, she always held out for the idea of getting married to her idea of what a perfect man should be... somewhere between, fending off suitors that didn't quite cut it and empowering herself financially, she was beautiful but single. She is fighting a losing battle with time, and it only makes her bitter about the missed chances of the past. For the brief time we were involved, she told me that it wouldn't work... she said that she was much too old and I was still very much young, she had the fear that all beautiful women have, the fear that one day she would wake up and I would have ran off with a hotter, younger version of her... I dont blame her, and I probably would have. It's a very valid concern... I mean, she was getting ready for her high school Prom when I was just getting ready to make my Entrance into the world. We tried working around the age thing, but sometimes age isn't just a number.
I moved on to someone else, Someone else i used mainly for the physical... I could not stand to spend more than 10 mins with her if we weren't having sex.... I liked everything about her physically, but I could stand whatever it was that she said... I repeatedly told her, we had nothing in common, there is no hope for a relationship, she would say ok that she understood, but she would call my Baby/Honey in the next breadth. I guess she kept believing that the sex would make me change my mind and fall in love... I kept believing that the more cruel I became to her, the more she would understand that there was no hope for me and her. In the end we kept believing whatever we wanted to believe. that was the most unhealthy human interaction I had been in a long while. Before we started getting physical, I knew in the pits of myself that nothing could ever become of this interaction, but you know what, I still went on with it... every time I emotionally abused this lady, I felt guilty, I felt guilty because I know that I have been raised better, I was raised to respect and honor women, but yet, I couldn't bring myself to respect this girl that i was using. maybe it was the fact that i decided to use her for sex and only for sex.
Needless to say, i broke off all interactions with the girl about 2 months ago, the guilt kept weighing me down, and i have been doing some soul searching...
thats why I'm back at this point... trying to reaffirm that the hopeless romantic still resides somewhere in the corner of my heart, that i can still feel excited about someone, and get those stupid butterflies that flutter in my stomach. i am trying to believe that i have hope at love, and that I am able to love someone truly for themselves.
I just met someone New, I only hope that I don't ruin whatever possibility of something real by resorting to all my old tricks of self sabotage.
More on the new girl in another post...
(though its more of a new crush, and I'm not even sure whether she likes/is ready for a relationship with me)
