When im not myself

The most important question a person can ask you is, would you love me when im not myself??? yeah, sure, the first thing you would want to say to answer the question would be, yes of course. but if you really get to thinking, and you exam the question, i think its a very hard question to answer honestly. im going to give an objective and subjective view on this topic. i would try not to sound preachy or annoyingly clawwy. Loving someone, or being in love with someone is easy, especially 

when love is for hire

I know my title sounds almost like a craigslist ad in the adult section (not like i know how the ads in there look like, i swear). did y'all miss me? i hope you did. even though i can hardly stay off this stupid blogville. my life is running into overdrive, from school, work and internships galore. if i could wish for one thing right now, it would be for more hours in the day, i need 48 hours on some days so i could get enough sleep and some "me" time. i feel busy busy busy, and im just starting, which brings me to the topic of my blog. when love is for hire, i think love or companionship should be for hire (i know i sound ignorant, but hear me out), especially in my case, because with the way my hectic schedule is, i have no serious time for a committed relationship, not that i wouldn't like one, but

I AM IN REPAIR

my title holds a huge amount of meaning to me. it reminds me of how much i have grown and how much more work i still need to accomplish. i am literally in repair. im in healing not from a broken heart, but from a broken soul. i call it a broken soul because it is a lifetime of learned and natural bad habits i have picked up. i have continually used my bad habits as crutches in my relationships, to explain why i am the way i am. i grew up being my best friend, i have gone through "change of best friends" so many times i have realised the only person that could stick with me, is truly me. when in life, you constantly see a pattern that, who ever it is you love keeps being taken away from you either physically or emotionally, you start to wonder if you are meant to have loved ones around. so i started leading unhealthy relationships where by, when i started to truly feel like i could fall in love or truly be happy, i start to panic, and the first thing that comes to my mind is "oh no, this person is gonna leave". so in order to avoid the person leaving,

I HIDE MY LACK OF ELOQUENCE BEHIND MY POETRY

Its friday morning and i know i should be asleep. i keep wrestling with my thoughts and i truly am losing. sometimes i feel i am shamefully incoherent without my poetry and its the little short words that keep my thoughts all in place, its all elementary actually, compartmentalize my thoughts and hand delivering it to everyone. This year, im deciding to make a few New Years Resolutions and hopefully stick to it. well i made a few last year, and i can say i kinda stuck to it. (ps i love the word "kinda", side note). i have a few raging topics in my head, and if i could i would spill all my thoughts out so everyone could see. i know i have been personal with my poetry but i figure i let you all in, in a few personal things about me, so today, i would fill you in on my Resolutions for the Year, my reason for my blog, the idea behind my blog name and things that make me frightful and worried. phewwwww, im almost sounding way too ambitious. maybe i might put a freestyle poem at the end for keep sake. 


so on to the resolutions for the Year


1) be more organized
i often find that im way too disorganized, i dont have an active way of time management. funny thing is i have gone to seminars on managing time and all that mumbo jumbo, i know a few practical things i need to do to be more organized, but i never seem to follow through on it. ok, how can i say this proper.... i am what you call a procrastinator. but

FEEBLE

its Wednesday, and finally i get some time to myself to breathe, there is just something about the mid week that makes me feel i could hit the pause button on life. Ahhhhhh (sighing out aloud). So #confession, it did feel weird that valentines day came and went with nothing special planned. No big weekend hotel getaway or no nice dinner or no gift exchange, im gonna have to get used to this. besides that anyways, i was thinking of the vision i have for this blog, and i would hate to be the cliche of just being another poetry blog, as i have said, i want to be like you favorite book, even though you may have read me, i would love you to come back and browse through my pages just so

the kinda love im looking for

hey yall, its Valentines day and love is supposed to be in the air, and obviously, my blog is about love and life and poetry on such topics, so i have to do the Cliche thing and write a poem on love..... Yay (kinda) lol. I hope we all look for positive and healthy ways to pursue love and continually enrich and renew love (for those who have found love, lucky bastards). I personally think, when you find love, you dont need a day in the year to celebrate it, i believe love should be some kind of personal adventure that

VENUS IN FURS

"And yet my love for you has become a sort of madness, the thought that i might lose you, actually lose you, torments me day and night...... i can no longer live without you, oh wonderful woman, believe me, believe me only this once, that this time it is not a phrase, not a thing of dreams. i feel deep down in my innermost soul that my life belongs inseparable with yours. if you leave me, i shall perish and go to pieces"~ Severin talking to Wanda


"it is sufficient to say that this woman is beautiful, i love her passionately with a morbid intensity; madly as one can love a woman who

SELFISH

The poem is about the feeling of powerlessness you feel sometimes, when you want something so bad, but you realize you have no control over it. When what you wish is not exactly what reality is. It tends to become a sense of what your expectations are Vs what the reality is. I write all my work as recently as a few hours before i post, so for the most part, i never really have any idea what my poetry's topic or subject is gonna be until i draw from a source of internal and/or external inspiration. The subject of the poem, is actually my blog itself. *I'm gonna get a lil selfish here* but i want you to view my blog like it were your favorite book, that even though you have read all the poems, you would still want to come around and browse through it because of a certain emotion you felt just from reading it. haha.... it sounds overtly ambitious for a newbie to blogville, especially since this is literally my 2nd or 3rd week. lol. but sincerely, every comment i get makes me giddy, and every tag anyone leaves on the footnote makes me excited, so please continue to make this little boy in a grown mans body excited. 


p.s. the poem could also really be about a female too. :) cuz i have a perv mind. (we all do, im just the first to admit it)


p.s. 2.... im being both selfish and selfless. 


SELFISH
selfishly i long to become your guilty pleasure
blushing and giggling at the thoughts of me
let your mind roam and let it get lost in me
rush over to me
like i am an addiction you are unwilling to go a day without
itching for a fix of me
sweating profusely
licking your lips
twitching nervously from the anticipation of me
you break out into cold sweats every moment you can't have me
i need to engulf your whole being
from you heart
to your body and your thoughts
i would eventually possess your heart
all exorcism is failure
so resist me slowly at your own feeble will
i want you fully and selfishly
let your thoughts of me remind you
of your favorite place in your world
as my words strum across your heart like southern blues
crass, raw and hurtfully truthful
tell me you would be back
and say it like you mean it
because, every-time you leave for just a moment
i get the feeling, 
i am ceasing to EXIST :(

love Song 4 no one

I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could i have missed my chance
and watched you walk away


~ John Mayer
so i got these lyrics from John Mayer's Love Song for No one, i listen to all sorts of music so you may see different post on my off days from lyrics of different artist. listen to it too.


so this is actually the first Vals day in a long while that i have been truly absolutely single....*yay, not. Apparently, being single is not really as cracked up as it appears to be (I have obviously been lied to). Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the fact that i answer to no one, and I don't have to build my day or my week around someone else other than myself, in essence, I enjoy being selfish for myself. Plus the perks of singledom have helped me to be able to concentrate on me and the evolving definition of what it means to be me, but when everything stops at the end of the night, The realization hits me fast and hard, as if i were tied to a train track, "I am single". 
In actuality, i would describe myself as this, i am easy to get along with, but i am darn to hard to please. 


p.s. im still weary of writing essayblogs, english is not my fathers language, and syntax errors in poetry is classified as literally license but syntax errors in a written journal is just plain ol illiteracy. lol. 

BARE

Mid week and because im an optimist, im choosing to see the week as half way done, so hurray wednesday, 2 more days until the weekend.....*not like i party or go crazy during the weekend*. With each new work of poetry i write, i surprise myself, i feel overtly ambitious to be writing a piece of work to post every other day. i haven't written so much work within so little time (finger crossing my heart, i swear). im usually a lazy poet, in the past, i always had to take a long while to finish my work and i have work written and scattered every where, but i feel this puts an order to things (thankfully). so this work, is one in which i hope i captured the emotion i was tryna convey. thats where feedback and constructive criticism comes into play, i would love to hear peoples opinions. all my poems are my babies, like a father who loves his babies, i love this poem too. 

Poem

her eyes tells of silent struggles she holds deep to her

lying to the world with every smile she flashes

she has a lunchbox filled with regrets and promises

every time i promised i would call

every time i promised not to hurt her

all the times i promised not to stop loving her

every single time i promised

now i am all out of promises

and she is bankrupt from trust

now her heart lays on a slab of stainless steel

it has frozen over from waiting with doors wide open

all the long lonely nights she had pleaded for warmth

trails of post-it-notes line the steps to her heart

"come again next time" a scribble says

"my heart is closed for love" the next says

"monster" another one says

each lie i told her has left her naked and bare

now she is looking for a pill to make everything better

a wonder drug that could numb all her useless emotions

one step away from the ledge of insanity

i am the soundtrack to this depression she calls her life

gloomy and paranoid but still hopelessly romantic

once again, i am whispering sweet nothings to calm her nerves

lies in which she finds comfort in

if i repeat them to her often enough

hopefully

it would eventually become her reality.

Edge of Desire

Don't say a word

just come over and lie here with me

cuz i am about to set fire on everything i see

i want you so bad i go back on the things i believe

there i just said it

i am scared you would forget about me

~ JOHN MAYER

EDGE OF DESIRE

there are quite a few songs that speak to me the way this song speaks to me, it shows how love can bring a man to his knees and desperately lead him to irrationality. love is an indisputable drug that leads you to do crazy things.i suggest you if you are fan of love and emotions, you should consider listening to the song. 

p.s. the reason why i dont write full blogs and i write poetry is cuz, my syntax is horrible, i write essays as if i were speaking, and written words and spoken words are two different things. hey, dont judge me, im a math guy. plus, my excuse is, english is not my ancestors language. bear with me.   

GRAVITY

its monday and the first thing that pops into my head is, when would the weekend come? anyways, in life, we come across a lot of people and then we meet that one person, who for some reason tends to understand and gets us to our core. everything seems so perfect, even when things aren't perfect. so this poem draws inspiration from situation. 

poem:

Blissful memories keep flooding my brain

borrowed memories which i don't own

these cheerful things are all i have from pulling me apart

this is release therapy to me

and i need to detox from all the emotions i have been feeling lately

because the thought of you stays heavy on my mind

like bricks weighing tons but being mislabeled as love

i swear love shouldn't have to hurt this much

and the funny thing is you are the only one who knows

the right words to hurt me the most

i need to runway or fly far away

but something always brings me right back to you

you are my personal gravity

anytime i feel like i am flying

you pull me right in

till im crashing down

a quickie and a song

so i almost decided not to post something here, its halfway between friday and saturday morning, my mind wouldnt rest until i post something, so this is not fully complete, but its a little something to hold you off till monday when i post a full poem, the song which follows is a personal favorite of mine, its how i wish, how i want to feel about the "one". 

the sight of you quickens my pulse

its too late for my poker face

because you can read through all my tells

from my sweaty brow 

to my uncontrollable blush, 

my skin turns a slight purple 

its christmas morning all over again

and to me, you are my personal Santa

like Raheem Devaughn said,

every word to this poem is about you.

p.s. the song or video doesnt show up if you arent using a computer. 

Suicide note

its wednesday and everything seems horribly wrong, i seem to be walking around with two left feet and an aura of possibly messing things up, its one of those days that everything that could possibly go wrong goes wrong, its like a cruel joke on you and the universe is in on. yeah thats how its feeling, for the past week, everything technological has turned on me, first it was my Macbook, then it was my Blackberry, then it was my Car. i smell techie conspiracy of the sorts. anyways, since things seem dark and bleak, my current post is definitely gonna follow suite. so here it goes. 


SUICIDE NOTE
Here u go, have my heart.....
I have no use for it.
Its practically worthless now,
the previous person I gave it too left it in Ruins
this is not another Sad letter to the world
Its a little fuck you to the world of hurt i concurrently live in
and to the chains of fate I'm bound to  
I'm a rebel without a cause, and today I'm rebelling against my feeble heart,
the resistance wouldn't be televised,
nor would anyone care about the concurrent uprising
I always wore my heart on my sleeves,
I changed all that by slitting my wrist
now I stand here bleeding eternally
In a pool of my blood and heartache
this is my personal suicide note to love