Yay its my Birthday

Hello.... 


Yay, its my Birthday..... well it was my birthday like 3/4 days ago, but it still feels like It was my Birthday Yesterday or something. Soooo, Happy freaking birthday to me, so Yay me. As i previously mentioned, i had/have no birthday plans.... i literally didnt do anything for my birthday, and i enjoyed it. i stayed home, slept in, didnt have any classes, took some time off work, i did meet up with my Good friend and my God Son (yeah, im not sure i have ever mentioned that i have an absolutely adorable God Son, so im a God Daddy)... i did receive alot of calls from my Loved ones, and BBMs and Texts and Emails.... so i did feel very special. i appreciated every single birthday wish i was given. i even had an Early morning prayer from my mum, it was too cute.... im agnostic, but with the gravity of the words which she uttered, it would have felt like a sin if i didnt say "Amen" like i meant it. 




But for the most part,

Me and Poetry

hello.... i still owe yall a full post, blog and poetry, but i honestly have been soo busy these past few days, i havent even had time to catch up on new blog post on my blog roll list, i promise to make my blog rounds soon enough. 

and i know i havent replied comments, from my previous posts..... i really feel soo horrible about that. i am so appreciative of all my followers, and my repeat followers who come, time and time again to read my blog post and to leave comments. you guys make me want to pour my heart and soul out onto these blog pages. thank you all for the motivation, every new comment makes me smile, even the comments with criticism. i do have a few favorite commenters, but there is still room for many more favorite commenters in my heart. i have a big heart (i think i do).

Sooo, its december again, wow.... this year just flew bye, i remember when i was just making up my new years resolutions..... i guess the older i get, the faster time seems to fly. makes being young feel so nostalgic. what i would do to be 7 years old again, with no responsibilities and no worries. 

Next week Tuesday Dec 13th is actually my birthday, i have absolutely no plans.... i try not to make plans, actually its easier not to make any plans probably because im single and there is no one to try to make my birthday a big deal. im slowly getting the hang of being single for my birthday. 

Random Updatez

Sooo these are things i figured i should update y'all on


About the nice young lady from the post Borrowed Love... well, lets just say, i was a bit curious about things, i had my questions, i wasnt sure if things or if everything was resolved. After all, she kinda drove me to the point of Smoking and Drinking...(ok, maybe im just using her as an excuse a little bit), but things did change both with my mental and emotional status when we started messing around, i guess the guilt was eating me alive. Sooo, to be sure that i was completely over her and ready to move on, i had to visit her one more time. sooo i did visit her, we chatted, she invited me to spend the night over and because i am a gentleman, i accepted her invitation. though i spent the night, nothing happened, and i was proud of myself for being able to resist the urge (pat on my back, though sometimes in retrospect, i think i should have had sex one last time, lol) we are now friends and strictly friends (but can i call someone a friend if i dont call or text them for weeks at a time?) sooo i guess im making strides in the right direction. 




About my New Year Resolutions from 2011 january 1.... well, lets just say that i broke all my resolutions, but hopefully im back on track now. i was having a talk with a friend the other day, and she pointed out to me that this was actually the longest i have been without a relationship (1yr and a couple of months, i know  its sad that i always found myself in a relationship for most of my adult life :(...) , soo she told me that, im going to get soo used to being single that when i accidentally find myself in a relationship, i would not know how exactly to behave because i have been soo single for soooooooo looong. i think she might be right, but i hope she isnt. 


About the abs i promised myself for my birthday, well im glad to inform you guys that, my stomach isnt gonna be seeing abs this birthday.... the problem is, the Gym had to give way to school, sooo school rules till christmas break, plus i got abit lazy.... Ok, honestly, i get fit and in shape for the ladies (abit vain right?), yeah i know the health bonuses of being in shape are good, but my main motivation is to be attractive (we all want to be attractive, dont judge me because im being truthful)
Sooo, Everytime i feel fat or out of shape, i decide to myself that im gonna do better.(im going to go hard in the gym for the next month or soo, right). Just after i make this commitment to myself, i find myself in public minding my own business, then i get random Compliments from Random strangers (see the random compliments are counter- productive)....i say thank you, before i turn purple from blushing because im kinda dark skinned. I think Girls who are confident enough to compliment a guy without caring what people think are sexy, there is just some unknown strength i see in a girl who does that. 


Im almost certain i dont have Body dysmorphic disorder, but i cant say for sure. some days i waking up loving my body, somedays it feels like a hang over after a one night stand. 


Everytime i think of slacking off, and i decide i dont want to work out or that im just not feeling like doing anything productive, i watch this video for motivation.

If i needed to go for a run before i watched this video and i was slacking, after i watch the video, i go for a motherfucking run. believe me. 


p.s. i definitely ate a weeks worth of food on thanksgiving, hope yall were just as greedy as i was... and too all the canadians who had theirs a months earlier, yall know that Americans do it better and bigger :) lol.

The Knowing

First off.... im alive
Second..... hello, im absolutely certain that you missed me.


i know after my last post it almost seemed like i was contemplating Suicide, but to calm everyone's nerves down, im alright, No Suicide or anything is happening anytime soon. Soo, i guess the blogworld is stuck with me for a little bit. 


i apologize for going MIA.... (well its only been 2 or 3 weeks, it really hasnt been that long), Life just caught up with me, and after life caught up with me, i decided that i needed to slack on my blog postings for just abit. the truth is, i am a Procrastinator by nature... actually, it come natural, and when it doesnt come natural, then i look for ways to make my procrastination into a hobby. Only if i could get paid for Procrastinating.. (Actually, the Senators and Representatives in Congress actually get paid for not doing any serious work when they need too)


i would love to go on a Tangent about politics and current affairs, because im follow current issues and stuff, but this is not a Political Blog, soooo all that is going to have to take a back seat. 


Third: Happy Thanksgiving
Fourth: I did hesitate blogging because i realize that my blogs have a way of making me feel so exposed and vulnerable.... i almost forget that im not an Anonymous blogger, and some subject topics do tend to be a bit Fucked up.... a few people who frequent my blog know me outside the blog circles, and im almost certain a few opinions about me have changed over the exposure of some of my blogs.... im only human and i have flaws, the only difference is, in real life, i spend most of my time Trying to cover up all my flaws to everyone around, but on my blog post, i stand naked with my flaws....  the dual nature of that sends conflict to my psyche each time i try putting out any post. 
all i can ask for, is not to be judged (harshly), but i know i would be judged regardless... 




sooo that was my mini introduction for being back from my Hiatus
now to the Subject matter, The Knowing.

The Morning After

This is the feeling you get when you are coming down from a high, Like the day after you have you first ecstasy pill, the high is unlike no other, and you life couldnt be better than what you feel at the moment, every one is beautiful to you, and everything in the world shines brightly with unending beauty. no more worries, wars dont exist when you are that high, peace and love are emotions that you can feel running through you veins, and life is in full HD. then when you wake up from the high, there is nothing in the world that can make you happy, you are in a depression that life becomes almost meaningless, you flirt endlessly with suicidal thoughts and death.... and you arent certain if you really would ever follow through with all the flirting. This is the morning after. 
the morning after taking drugs, the morning after your heart ache, the morning after all unnerving addictions.


we all have morning afters, there might never be this graphic or this detailed, but we all have those lows... so this was inspired by one of those lows.




Poem
Sooo all my emotions are synthesized
my cries for help
are drowned out by the imaginary voices
that kept me up from the night before
im busy trying to get to a high
to a higher altered state of mind
its the only way i can cope with my reality today
smoke a lil more
drink till the bottom of the bottle
empty mindless sex
these are all my companions 
the morning after




p.s. im wondering if any of my followers have every flirted with suicide??? im also wondering if any of my followers who have, would be willing to admit something like that???? 

Borrowed Love

Im grateful for both my Guest Bloggers, these are bloggers i admire and know personally. if anything they both inspire me to be a better writer, both in poetry and in blogging itself. im inclined to reaching out to more followers of mine, at later dates to grace my blog..... so please dont be surprised when i start emailing you  for guest blogger request, and please dont be scared to reach out. 

i have been bad again blogsville, i have been a really really bad boy or man or man child or male (whatever freaking term you want to choose)... so if you remember, in one of my Earlier post... Actually this post here, i outlined all my Resolutions.... one of my resolutions was to not Cheat. Either Cheat on a person who is my girlfriend, or be with a girl who would be cheating with their man with me. Sooo, you wouldnt believe, i kinda sorta broke that resolution. Actually, i have broken all my resolutions, but i was hoping i would be able to keep that No Cheating Resolution this year. Well, i kind of have to let this out.....

This forum is my therapy and i know i need some therapy right about now.

WARNING 1: THIS IS A LONG POST, DO NOT READ IT IF DONT HAVE TIME TO READ IT.

WARNING 2: THIS POST HAS ALOT OF PERSONAL UNNECESSARY INFO

WARNING 3: I Warned You, So dont say i didnt Warn you. Proceed at your own RISK

Teach ME how to LOVE

Hi blogsville,

I'm going to be guest blogging on one of my bestest friends in the whole entire universes' blog today...taking a cue after the very articulate Niki. I. *receiving the baton* Kudos to you dear.  Bengs has asked that I mention that I'm a girl...lol.  I donno why he's freaking out about y'all thinking he's transgender *sigh* such a dork, but I love him still.

Anywaiz, here goes....

See, I grew up with 3 brothers and my dad...so it was pretty much all guys and a girl.  I was the baby.  To be quite honest, I'd like to say I was the accident.  It was right before my mum took off...I'm guessing she ran for her dear life.

My dad worked in the army and I'm sure u know what that means, his idea of love was his whip.  I had one specially for me.  He called my whip love.

As he would whip me with every opportunity, he would remind me of how grateful I ought to be...some kids didn't have a dad, yet alone one that would steer them in the right direction with "love".  Boy was I grateful.

Even though I bled, although it hurt, I constantly reminded myself of these things my dad had engraved in my heart.

Angel, you have a father...others DON'T
You have brothers, many DON'T
You have a place to live, several DON'T
and this list continues.....

So....well...I was a grateful kid!

At 14, I met this guy....boy o boy *wipes sweat off*
He was the finest creation, God had ever made...this one, I know God took some good time.
With me, I think I was rush work.
Well...I'm gorgeous and all but...this boy made my head spin in ALL directions.

BUT...
Dad had told me "NO BOYS!"

Despite the fact that my heart skipped not 2, 3, or 4 beats when he came around, I turned him into the invisible...NO bOys!

When I turned 18 and buggered off to college, there he was...an even finer version of my high school crush.  We hung out in Psych class, in Soc...and also in Algebra and that was it...we were an item.

Everything dad taught me didn't matter....I threw it out the window.
K would tell me how beautiful I was and whisper sweet nothings into my ears all day long.
I was in heaven and I wasn't heading back to earth....

K and I got pretty serious and before long...I had little K growing inside of me...

I remember the day, I told K about it....that was the day he sent me right past earth and straight to hell.

He wasn't having this baby..."abort that thing", he said and I refused.
At this point, K started to use all my secrets against me. He brought "love" back to reality for me but this time, "love" had thorns, it was wicked, it was cruel....his whip was "pure hate"

He hurt me without discipline...he made me bleed till I lost lil K.
3 years went by and I was in crack houses, tramping the streets at night and violating every possible law in the day time...till I found myself in an orange suit, doing 2 years for obstruction of justice.

My dad came to visit....my brothers too.

3 months after I came out, I met James...he schooled me, cared for me, pleaded that I love him...that I reciprocate but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I don't know how...at this point having lost it all.

I'm going to need to be taught how to truly love.

by H

Guest Blog - The Ambivalent Heart

Before I begin, I thought I should say a few things.
(1) Thank you Mr.LoveLifeForSale for the guest blogging opportunity. 'Tis an honor.
(2) He told me I had to write on the topic of love.. I only write blogs on topics of love, but lately I've felt like my love well's run dry. So I told him I'd write about him.
So what you see below is an entry...from me, about him, to you.

---

The Ambivalent Heart

You know, in a way, he's everything I ever wanted.
"Someone who gets me" is what I wished for.. and he certainly does.
But he's also everything I don't want..
I know what he's capable of.. and I don't like it.
I could say I wish I didn't know, but I'm glad I do...
I'm glad that despite what I may end up thinking of him...
the good, bad, and very ugly... he tells me it all anyway..
And I guess that's why I like him..
His honesty... Brutal.. fucking honesty.
But it's this same honesty that lets me know how deceitful he can be.
I don't want that. I can't have that... I can't want that right?
I am afraid of being hurt... by him.
If this were a year ago, I would have never believed he could hurt me.
Matter-of-fact, I knew, if anything, I could easily hurt him.
When did I grant him this power over me?
When did he sneak in and.. infiltrate my heart?
I've never directly given him my heart and I don't think I ever planned on it.
I'm not sure I ever could.
I don't think he's ready for me.
And I'm not sure if I could ever be ready for him.
I don't know if my heart would ever let me.
I'm not sure if my mind would let me.
On paper, he's just about perfect for me.
In person, he's just about perfect for me.
In reality.. and in fantasy... I'm not sure if he's what I'd call perfection.
He's far from perfect. He is actually the perfect imperfection.
But I tend to be pulled in by the fallen angel...
Tempted by the challenge of their nature.
I get absorbed in his presence.
Wanting to soak up whatever his essence might be..
Knowing very well that his essence isn't pure..
And it scares me to know that I could be so lured by the darkness..
Yet it's this same darkness that makes me hesitate..
makes me want to push and stay very far away.....
I can hear the warnings.. my intuition telling me that if I step into his domain
I will get burned...
And yet I'm enticed by the heat.. the fiery light.. the raging energy...
It warms my soul
And I want to bathe and bask in it until the smoke becomes unbearable.
He is the friend I cherish..
and we have a friendship I don't know I want to risk losing
within the intricate labyrinth of love.
You are everything I could have wanted..
and everything I could have not.
How do I settle my ambivalent heart?
 


Niki I.<< link to my blog