Fuck Crushes

Yeah i said it, Fuck Crushes.... im soo done having a crush for no good reason. If falling in love and getting into a relationship is going to involve all these crazy mixed feelings, then im soo over it. i thought i wanted a relationship, but nahh... i think im happy being by myself. the thing with relationships is that, when you really want one soo bad, it would almost never happen.... and im not one to ever lose my Cool over another person, and im not about ready to start doing that.
im not going to have a nervous break down thinking about her, nor would i keep making my thoughts roam towards her, i need to stop checking my phone every fucking 5 seconds to check for a reply, to a text i just sent... im not going to google her and find pictures of her online from her facebook, im not going to constantly check in the mirror and groom myself just before i see her, im not going to become shy and socially awkward around her, that shit is sooo played out.
infact, i should just delete her number from my phone, so i dont send random messages that make it way too obvious that im constantly vying for her attention.
If Cupid Brings ITS FUCKING ARROWS next to ME, im going to SHOOT CUPID.

i dont know how people get into relationships anymore, and im not sure i want to find out... im happy with the Psuedo Empty relationships i have had, and i think im content with Empty sex and Minimal Vulnerability.

basically for tonight, all i can say is, Fuck Crushes.

Disgruntled (Maybe)

As you all know, i campaigned earlier last month asking for votes to get nominated for the Nigerian Blog awards, Well the list are out already, and guess what.... i wasnt nominated in any Category  needless to say, im was very Disappointed.... very very disappointed. But then i waited a few mins, then a few hours, and maybe a Day or Two, and i still realize that im still very disappointed.
But i went through the nominations and i did find out that some nominations are actually well deserved nominations, and my disappointment only stemmed from the fact that i Overestimated myself as a Photographic Blogger, or a Relationship Blogger, and even as a Personal blogger. the Truth of the matter is that, the internet is a big big place, and its filled with a whole lot of people, and there a
lot of nigerians who are talented and consistent with their work.
So as much as i want to be disgruntled, i realize that there is no need, especially when those who are nominated for specific awards were well deserved. All i can do is tip my hat to those nominated and wish them luck.
Yes i wish i was nominated for an Award, but i cant always get whatever i want in life... so all i can do is make sure i push out better content as a personal, Photography and Relationship Blog. Anyways, that just my little rant.


p.s. im surprised Toin didnt get nominated too, she is hella hilarious as a personal blogger.

the Truth About My Crush

Sooo.... i think i mentioned to you guys that i was crushing on somebody.... Well, Sometimes the truth about a person can leave you feeling Jaded. i know no one is perfect, but sometimes when reality shines it's light on the situation, all you can do is take a step back and re-evaluate the situation.

In actuality, she is Beautiful, Feisty, Petit, has a nice Physique and pursuing a College Education... so on paper she ticks a lot of my boxes. She knows how to take a little teasing without getting offended  and she also knows how to give a good teasing. We text often back and forth, and she is an open book. She has a full time job in the city and she is a full time student in school, that is something that is very admirable (i prefer girls who have a good job ethic and are responsible enough to earn money to pay for whatever they need or want). Her last relationship was about 3 years ago, she has dated a little bit here and there but she doesn't want anything serious to interfere with her school or the time she has with her family. She is old enough to buy alcohol for herself, so that means she is above 21 (i cant date a girl isnt older than 21, i just cant, girls younger than 21, i just dont know how to relate with them on a mental level)

She has a lot of things going for her, and on paper, this would be sooo freaking perfect..... but, the only Roadblock is that she isn't the Sharpest tool in the shed. im not calling myself Einstein nor do i need a girl who has an IQ of 250 or whatever, but i really do think she might be a bit slow. its not totally a bad thing, but its not a good thing either.

the only reason why i have come to the conclusion that she isn't to sharp is because we take a class together, a finance class... we are class partners and our prof usually gives us in class work to do. In class she often seems to need help, and she keeps talking about how smart i seem when i finish the problems and how we need to study together. I chalked it up to her playing the damsel in distress card so maybe we could know each other better outside class, but i had a study group with her, and Damn.... i almost dont really have any nice words, but it was a struggle for her to keep up with me trying to explain things to her. I assumed if it was a damsel in distress act, that she would wizen up during the Study group, but i really think its not an act anymore. its basically a tragedy... we got to talking and she was telling me about how she has only gotten an A in her Transcript and it was for Phys Ed.... i kindly told her not to repeat that anymore in front of me or in front of people.

this Revelation has surely taken a little bit of shine of my Crush, i mean, she is still good looking in my eyes, but just a little less soo. im a Sucker for Smart Girls and girls i can have interesting debates with about theology, life and philosphy.... maybe i have been spoilt by all my Exs for them being smarty pants, but if my crush is ever gonna progress to anything more than just Eye Candy, then im going to need to Overlock something that i have come to expect from the opposite sex.

She is attractive enough that she doesnt need to be smart in this male dominated world, but it really would have been the cherry on the cake if she was Beautiful and Mentally Sharp. I really want to overlook this little fault, but then something tells me i wouldnt be able to let it go. Anyways, look at me projecting to the future... after all, this is still a Crush and we are yet to even go out on an Official date.


p.s.  She told me that she was kinda Dating some guy, But she also did tell me that it wasnt serious.....

Hopeless Crush

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away

Love Song for No one By John Mayer

these lyrics speak to me right now... i havent felt soo alone in a long while. i almost cant believe that im actually admitting this on my blog. I dare to say that i have been single for long enough, and im actually thinking of settling down and being in a relationship. The only problem is that i keeping crushing on  girls who probably aren't available, either emotionally or physically. 

Am I the only person who becomes dumb and paralyzed when Im around a crush? i try to look for something smart and witty to say, but i come off as being rude and disrespectful, So i shut up so that i dont offend her more than i have too, then because im quiet, she begins to think that im boring.... im a total wreck to the future of my love life. 

I hate the uncertainty of falling without ever knowing if the other person would catch you.... i hate the feeling of being powerless, i hate over analyzing text messages i receive from her, i hate being so sensitive to whatever she says and i hate seeking attention without being given. I have almost given up on love but i so desperately want to love. 

things were much easier when all i wanted to do was have fun.... this love business is serious business. 

I know all i need to do is just sleep this feeling off, and if i wake up and this stupid feeling is still there, then i would have to try to sleep a little bit longer, as i try to hit the snooze button to my emotions. 

All i can say is that this Crush is going to be the Wreck of me. 

Repost: Poetry

Wow, i have been a bit too bust to write a proper post....
i was looking at my old Archives and i found this poem...
i havent written a piece in a while, im not sure what exactly might be the reason
maybe im lacking inspiration, maybe im a little bit disillusioned by love, maybe im losing faith in myself....
i dont want to sound like a loser but, a part of me wants to desperately settle down with a nice cute girl who understands me, but another part of me wants to just say "Fuck Love".
This poem reminds me of what i used to be, how i used to feel... i miss my old self.
i think i just need to do some soul searching.
Anyways, here is the poem, hope you enjoy it.


Poetry

Kiss me, 
just for a little longer
and whisper all the sweet nothings 
i have always imagined you saying to me
lie to me
for i give you my permission and my heart
steal my words with your passionate kisses and soft lips
the voices in my head
are slowly getting louder
so excuse me if im screaming silently 
as you walk away from me yet again
your presence is my therapy
your scent is my sanity
im crazy about you
no, actually i am just plain crazy without you
i would sell my soul over and over and over again
because i know being around you
is like free falling with a broken parachute
but its a pain so deep and so raw
im willing to make believe 
that my plunge from the edge of reason 
is actually more than a feeble attempt
in learning to fall in love

Skylines and Weddings

I always want to take pics of the City Skyline at night, i have a few things to learn about taking pics at night, this is my second time taking pictures of anything at night..... they came out surprisingly better than i thought it would. I guess i can only get better at taking pictures (hopefully).

To get this Vantage point, i had to get my ass up in the middle of the night and drive to Downtown Brooklyn, well i think the name of the location was Dumbo to be exact.... it really is beautiful and very scenic. its walking distance to the brooklyn bridge and you can see both the Manhattan bridge and the 59th street bridge in a distance. NYC really never sleeps, i kept walking into alot of people there, even at around 3am in the morning.... i presumed they were witches, because i heard that the time witches have meetings.... well what do i know. Anyways, this is a show and tell of the pictures i was able to get. i hope you enjoy these pics. 

About 2 weeks ago, my Older Cousin had his wedding in Delaware, and i figured it would be a good occasion to test some of my photog skills out. i need as much experience as possible with different types of photog occasions. i have never shot weddings before... look at me saying i have never shot weddings like im some professional photographer... lol, im just some dude who decided to buy a camera during spring because i thought the spring flowers looked pretty. anyways, hopefully i can fully develop in this side hobby of mine. i have a lot of room for improvement and i gladly welcome it.



So this is my cousin, who is the groom.... he is always a joker. Never a dull moment with him.

most guys often get cold feet on their marriage, but he is way pumped, throwing signs up like he is a teenager and what not.

 him and a couple of friends.

This is his Dad, his Dad is Soo calm and mild mannered, his is way awesome.... i often call him Dad too whenever i speak to him.

 his Best man, which is is brother

Our Cousins, She got married earlier this year, she is absolutely Gorgeous and Smart too, She is actually a Med doctor.

My Cousin too, she is the sis for the Med Doctor, younger sis actually

 Sisters... i never really saw the resemblance, except maybe in their smiles... they look like each parent.

The Grooms men kicking the breeze before having to walk down the aisle and take their places

 Guys being Guys

the little munchkins 

the cutest little munchkin on the bridal train  

Here Comes the Bride, yeah she looked hella beautiful in her pics.

the bride and her dad

Bride and groom Exchanging vows

 You may kiss the Bride

Grooms face after the first kiss

Bonus Photo
Random Baby that isnt sure what the hell is going on, priceless expression on her face though. love it.

So this is the end, hope you enjoyed the pics. leave a comment or subscribe. and dont forget to nominate me for the nigerian blog awards, just incase you havent.

I need a Favor

Hey Peoples.... i know i have been MIA for a little while, things have just gotten a little bit hectic, my work schedule changed, my School schedule is hectic and now my love life is definitely changing, a whole lot of craziness has been going on Recently...
I have soo much beans to spill, but first before i start spilling any beans, i need a favor from all you my Readers....
Its about that time for the Nigerian Blog Awards, and i want you guys to click this  LINK <------ that one where my arrow is pointing to, The big ass font that says link, yeah click on that ,and i need you guys to nominate me for these catergories that i qualify for

Best Relationship Blog
Best Photography Blog
Best Poetry/Writing Blog
Best Personal Blog
Best Nigerian Blog

Well these are all the categories that i can think of right now, that i fit in.... but if you do decide to spam the Nigerian Awards by putting my Blog in all the entries, Well i wouldnt stop you.... lol. The Cut off for Blog nominations is the 23rd (in like a few days) sooo i would really appreciate it if you guys go Nominate my Ass for these categories now. Thanks.

Anyways, a little preview of my drama filled love life, Married Woman's Hubby is back with the kids and things arent going down as smoothly as i would have hoped, Another Married Woman is trying to get in the picture (but im fasting, praying and rebuking the devil) and a Much Older Lady is very curious about me... a bit too curious.

Soo as i said, DRAMA to ensue, even though im just trying to live my life without all this Drama. All i want is to find a cute little girl to play Girlfriend with.

Things Me and My Camera have been up to

Sooo, i did promise myself that i was going to Shoot alot of pictures during this summer. the times when im not working, or the times when im not too lazy, or the times when Girls arent trying to Dupe me with pyramid schemes, i do try to get out and shoot something. i still got a lot of things to learn about what makes a Great shot, but i figure that i have a whole lot of time to become as familiar as i want to be. I hope i can turn this little hobby of mine into something fantastic (after all, the equipment for the Camera doesn't grow on trees). i have tried to be abit active this summer, down below are a few of the pictures that i got and that i kinda like. i know i have room for improvement, but these are actually a batch of pictures that im not too shy to show. 

HEAT WAVES AND HYDRANTS

i had just gotten off work, i worked a double shift, an overnight that turned into a Day shift, i was driving home when i spotted this cute little boy playing with an open Hydrant during one of the swelting heat waves NY had, i was lucky that i had my Camera in my bag, i pulled up for a Quick second, and pointed it right at him, he looked up at me and gave me a devious smile. This is actually one of the times i was lucky i had my Camera with me.


                                               PHOTOSHOOT WITH A MINI MODEL

this probably one of the cutest little girls i have seen. She is a Mutual friends daughter and her mother agreed to let me have a photoshoot with her for an Evening, and im telling you, she cant take a bad picture. most kids often get grumpy after a few pictures, but she just loved the camera soo much, my Cameras memory was full way and she still wanted Moar pictures. Her mum offered to pay for my services but i really couldnt charge a face and personality like hers.

                                                         
                                                            VERRAZANO BRIDGE

i drove almost under the verrazano bridge to get this pic, the golden hours for taking pictures are usually Sunset or Sunrise, but i was too lazy to obey that rule, so i hauled all my camera equipment at around 3am under the bridge to get this shot. im really not too impressed with this shot, and i have really been craving to get a Night shot of NYC skyline from Brooklyn to Manhattan. thats on my to do list before the end of the year, so i guess for now, this pic of a bridge at night would do.


                                                                    CONEY ISLAND
for most people who dont know, Coney Island comes alive during the night, the Amusement park with all its lights and noise gives a good back drop to the board walk and beach right next to it, its truly a very under rated destination. I believe everyone should visit coney island during a summer night at least once.

 Some weird guy trying to sell me stuff at coney island.

 a couple i was stalking on coney island... i really did feel like a creepy old guy with a camera taking pics of them being all affectionate. the thing about Street Photography is that, to get the shots you want, you need to be able to Take the Candid photos without asking for permission from the participants.

The wonderwheel Ferris Wheel in Coney Island, it looks really harmless, but when you get on the ride, you would get Heart Attack.



                                                               PORT JEFFERSON
this is a Port on the Northern Sound of Long Island, if you look across the shore, you can literarily see connecticut from the shores. it has tons of sea food restaurants, lots of good sceneary, it has a village feel to it, a whole lot of Docks and a whole lot of Yachts too. Its the perfect place to be if you have a million dollar Yacht and you want to hang out with other people who have million dollar yachts. Thankfully its also opened to the public, sooo people like me can walk around the village and act like i own a yacht or know someone who owns one.

 Cute couple watching the sunset beyond the horizon

Yachts being docked by the open docks. you can literally hundreds of yachts around the maze of docks here. There were people having dinner parties and sun bathing on their yachts and it just made me wish for the good life.


                                                                        FORT TOTTEN
this is a park right next to a military fort in NY, a lot of people come around here for walks, jobs and cycling. its always a beautiful place to watch the sunset and in the distance there is the Throngs Neck Bridge which leads from Queens into the Bronx (i have only been to the bronx probably about 3 times in life)

ice cream and a bridge, its such a beautiful scene, i could get the whole truck into the picture.
Soo these are just a few of the pics from my summer. when i get more comfortable behind the camera and i take more awesome pics, then i would share them once more. anyways. lemme know what you think, feel free to critique the pictures honestly.

too Good to be True

What's that saying, when something is too Good to be true, then it prolly isnt true. Well, thats a very interesting and true story. Sooo my story begins sometime last weekend. i had just woken up on a Saturday afternoon, almost finished removing the crust from my eyes and hacking my throat, then i checked my phone for messages. My usually routine, Emails, Text messages and then BBMs.
For some reason, that Afternoon i had a lot of messages while i slept, i went through each one and then i finally stopped at a message from someone i hadnt spoken too for almost a year.
it was a girl i had class with, we studied often for the class, she was adorable and she had a boyfriend then. we flirted a little but nothing ever serious or substantial came out of it. hey text read "Hello stranger". i replied innocently enough and a few minutes later i got replies asking about my well being and how we need to catch up and what days im free so we could hang out.
For a second i had started to get excited and thoughts started running through my mind like "Wow, Shawty must have dumped her boyfriend and she is probably checking back on Guys from the past that nothing materialized with".. then i decided to ask about her Boyfriend and what happened to him, she replied " we still together, 3 years and 9 months, its a lot of hard work but i really dunno" after seeing that reply, it still didnt help clarify things on why she would want to contact me and keep in touch after soo much time has passed.
so i keep texting with her, just the basics, she tells me she needs to tell me something, but not over the phone, and she would like if we meet up over drinks in a quiet place, somewhere where we could talk. my Availability is very choppy sometimes, especially during summer, Soo i gave her my next available time to meet on a night im off work and she says perfect, it would work for her.  we text for a while more over the course of the day.
Fastforward to a day before we meet, She sends me a text talking about her excited she is about meeting me the next day, i ask her why she is excited about meeting me and she replies "i think you would like what it is that we talk about", i became more curious and asked her what she really needed to talk to me about, she gave the same excuse about how she prefers to talk in person... a few moments later, she is texting my name in Bold and sending Smiley Faces and Lols to me, just trying to be cute. im all sorts of flattered and im not sure what to think of all her texts, she did mention that she had a Boyfriend, but then again, she did hint at them maybe being in trouble relationship wise.

The day to hang out, she got off work late, then she calls me and ask for my Address, the plan was to meet in my house first, before we head off for some drinks. She finally tells me that she probably would be able to get to my house before 10pm at night. Ok, soo my mind is already reading into the scenario, she may/may not be happy in her relationship, she needs to tell me some that she cant say over the phone, she randomly texts my name to me and acts cute with it using Lols and Smiley Faces.... there is no way anyone should blame me for reading into this scenario, should they?

So 10p rolls right around the corner and she arrives at my house. she has a cute short dress and she has some nice make up on.... i go in for a Hug and i get a really big long hug, and it wasnt the kind of arkward side hugs you give reluctantly to friends because you are not trying to be mean, it was one of those long hugs frontal hugs where every part of our physiology would be touching if we had no clothes on while we hugged. my mind was already racing at 120 mph, so I figured we go for drinks first to calm our nerves. there is an Applebees right by my way, soo we head over there for drinks.... after we order our first few drinks and we settle down for some finger foods. i ask her about her day and how surprised i was to see her. we exchange pleasantries about how neither person hadnt changed and how it was a good thing. Then i figure i bite the bullet, soo i ask her bluntly, Soo why did you want to see me and what was the big secret you couldnt tell me over the phone.

She smiles and says, ok. she needs to show me something, She opens her big ass pocket book and pulls out a Laptop, in my mind im like "What the hell does she need to tell me something with a laptop for, but then maybe im open to new ideas right, maybe she made a powerpoint presentation on how she feels", sooo before she opens it, she asks me, if you could do anything in the world right now, what would you do? i figure i answer this question as safely as possible, because even though it feels like she has been throwing me Signs all week, i would rather be safe than sorry, soo i give her a safe answer about how i want to travel around the world to brazil, italy, france and some islands.

She smiles at the answer and opens up her laptop and she brings out some presentation..... thats when i realized that i definitely was being punked, i realized that she tried to get me out here alone to talk about a Pyramid Scheme Company that dealt with Travel Packages... i had been suckered to drinks on a Friday night at past 10pm with a lovely lady that was trying to push me a get rich quick pyramid scheme. She started talking about recruiting and deals and all sorts of things that didnt sound right to my Accounting Principles..... i almost felt sorry for myself because i was the stupid guy who kept reading alot into whatever text messages she sent to me, and i felt truly sorry for her because she actually believed that the Pyramid scheme would be a good pay out. i have had a little bit of experience with some of the pyramid schemes. From PrePAid Legal to World Venture Travel Inc, i definitely had heard and seen it all.

After about 20 minutes into her presentation, i had to stop her and tell her respectfully that there is no way im joining her idea and we should move on from that topic. i dont have friends who are willing to join schemes like that, nor am i  going to encourage my enemies to join a scheme. we talk for a little bit more and pay for the check. we say our goodbyes, make promises about meeting under other circumstances and hug it out. i returned home slightly tipsy and very disappointed.

i guess when something seems almost too good to be true, then it really is too good to be true.

the Best i Ever Had

A little while ago, i was having a Conversation with Mrs.  Married (thats the new name im gonna call the Married Woman from my previous post), and we started talking about Sex, Sexual history and Partners, and from my previous experiences, your Past on Sex is never a good thing to bring up the person you are currently fucking. Because quite frankly, people tend to get jealous, people start to ask questions and things just get very murky real quick. 

Anyways, Mrs Married starts asking Questions, like How many partners have i been with, What is the wildest place i have had sex and if i could tell her who the best sex i ever had was? i never understand why people ask questions which they may not like the Answers too... yeah i know sometimes im guilty of asking questions i may not enjoy the answer, but with Age, i have learnt to control my desire to be too curious, especially when its something i would rather not know... i often times subscribe to the whole "ignorance is bliss" school of thought.

Soo she brings these questions up and she insist i answer her. After about half an hour of back and forth i give in... im like "alright, i hope you know what you are doing asking me these questions, because you may or may not like the answers i would give to you" she nods confirming that she is a big girl and she can handle what ever answers i give. 

Sooo with the Partners Questions, i dont think i necessarily have a high count, but the definition of a High count of sex partners is all very Relative from person to person. My Sex number is close to the Number of my Age (hint: im legally able to drink in the US). when i told her my Number she gasped loudly and said that was too much (funny thing is i know a number of people within my range of counts) and she was like "i have only been with 6"... i wasnt too sure what to make of her number, nor the fact that she said her number soo proudly as if i was meant to go to hell for my own number (afterall she asked for my number, right?)

Soo we move on to the next Question, Wildest place i have done it? This seemed like a tricky Question, Because i noticed that the Older i become, the less Adventurous my locations tend to be. When i was abit younger, i explored having sex in the Car, the Stacks within my University Library, A Stairwell in an Apartment, a Neighborhood park During Daylight... but now all those Experiences seem like distant memories of a past life, and the only place i may even dare to explore now, would probably be Sex in a Car. I told her to pick whichever one out of the places i had mentioned (because i think they were all wild in their own right). She mentioned how her wildest place was in a MiniVan. 

Moving on the the last question i dreading, Who was the best i ever had? For a split second i had to decide whether i should tell her the absolute truth with all my answer, or i should just bend the truth a little and stroke her Ego. (dont give me that bullshit that Woman dont care about Egos, Anyways, Women do it to men soo why cant men Stroke female Egos too?) I figured i had been telling the truth soo far and i would hate to Lie at the End, then find out that i went to hell just because of my only Lie. I told her the truth, that it wasnt her and it was some girl i was with before i even met her. i wasnt sure whether she was shocked or Disappointed about my answer, but i had to remind her that she was the person who asked for it. She told me it was ok, and that her best was Some guy Before she Met her husband. She told me that for a split second that she expected me to mention her name as her best.... i thought it was cute that she thought that it would be her but i have been with a good amount of women, and i have realized that the more women you get to be with, the more you realize that its hard for the title of "best i ever" had to be practical. 

Ask any Man around, you almost cant tell the difference between the Girl A's Pussy and Girl B's pussy when you have a condom on (most times), Sooo sometimes, what makes a whole lot of a difference in sex has to deal with the kind of mental, emotional and sensual connection you have built with the person outside the bedroom, before you take it into the bedroom. 

And truthfully, there is nothing wrong with Good Sex, i explained to her that even though she may not be the "best i ever had", No one should feel bad about that. Good Sex is way more practical that Great Sex, and i believe i would rather prefer to be married to someone whom i had Good Sex with, among other things. 

this is the way i see Good Sex and Great Sex, Good sex is a Toyota Camry while Great Sex is a Ferrari, Good Sex is made for Daily driving, it is comfortable, it isnt soo Expensive that you need to sell an Arm and a Leg to maintain the good sex, it is Practical, Great Sex is unreasonable to drive everyday, it is only comfortable for the first 30 mins you sit in it, its too freaking Expensive to maintain.

thats my own Analogy on the whole issue. Every one dreams about Ferraris, but practically Speaking a Toyota Camry is the only way to go for the long haul. 

 Don't enter every relation expecting to be the best sex they ever had, be more practical... as long as its Good Sex you share with the person then thats good. Great sex has the power to erode your mind and cloud your Judgement. it blurs you from being able to differentiate whether what you have with the person is more than just sex. Sometimes Great Sex could compromise you as a person, it would let you make decisions against your better judgement.

So basically to sum up my point

Great sex is great for memories and personal experiences, but Good sex is for living.

i would rather choose Good Sex over Great Sex if i had to live with one for the rest of my life

when it comes to Questions about Sexual history, its best not to ask it... 

i probably could have been more Eloquent with my Conversation.... but sometimes, the English language mocks me in my head.

let me know what you think, am i right? or am i wrong?

a little bit about me (my Elevens)

here are a few Random things about me..... 

this is going to be a form of the Elevens that i was tagged by about 2 months ago. 

1) I procrastinate

i procrastinate way too much, i often under estimate time and my ability to get things done and finished. i have a lot of things or projects i should have done about 3 years ago that i havent gotten too. i know this is a serious problem for me, and i hate this sooo much about myself. i can never commit to a schedule. it is something i have been trying to work on, but its very difficult. case in point, i was to make a post about the elevens which i got 3 tags for ages ago, im just making a makeshift post now. 

2) im Agnostic

When it comes to religion, i have very strong reasons and opinions for it and against it. i try to stay out of religious conversations because i hate being that Dude that every one thinks is going to hell. i didnt wake up one morning and become Agnostic and No, no huge event happened. What made me become agnostic was i started reading up on the history of religion and i watched documentaries and i continually see people of power within religious institutions and how they abuse the power. i personally think Religion is helpful for people who face oppression and need a greater purpose to face their current reality.  Anyways, lets move on from that, and i really do hope no one is gonna give me shit about Religion on my blog. its my belief and thats that. 

3) im a dreamer

i have a problem with taking one moment in time (sometimes the current moment im in) and then i start to extrapolate on that moment, i look into the future of what that moment could turn too. i do this way more often that i should. i do this with relationships/crushes, i do this with my Day, i do this even my meals, e.g. i might meet a girl and say hi, then i start to dream about whether her name sounds good with my name, if we had kids, what the kids would look like, e.t.c.... you see stupid shit like that. 

4) im weird

i have an obsession with the NYtimes and time.com. i dont read books often, but i read alot of opinion editorials, Journals And Studies that get published on these websites. often times try to stay current with political and financial editorials. i know most of the things i read cant help me with daily conversations with the average person but i just like being current with current events. 

5) i think im smarter than i actually am

if you asked me, i would swear to you that im a genius, but i just dont have the proof to back that claim up. Maybe its all the Articles i read online and the news i watch and Documentaries im intrigued by. Truthfully, i know im no where near a genius, but it makes me happy to think to myself that i am a genius. haha. im really no genius, im just very disillusioned. 

6) im awkward at phone conversations

i cant stay on the phone longer than 5 mins without me looking for an excuse to hang up.... i guess i have a phone phobia. i never call any of my friends, im certain i have lost a lot of friends because of this, but i just dont know what to say over the phone and i feel like when im on the phone for long, i wasting time on the phone when i could be saving that time to do activities that are in front of me. My phone phobia is probably one major reason i dont ask people for their phone numbers, when people offer me their phone numbers i relunctantly accept. i often pretend like im saving it in my phone but i usually dont. 

7) i Love love like love like like Girls

i love girls alot and i realized i love girls way too early at the Age of 5 years old. i remember the first girl i liked. i remember trying to look up her skirt in church at the age of 6. i suggested that we play House, i was the Dad and she was the mum, and i said we need to fall asleep soo i was using style to tap current by holding her arms and legs as we pretended to sleep on the rug of the church during sunday school. she was the highlight of Church for me. 

8) i am not a Virgin

i lost my Virginity way too early... i was probably around 7 years old when i did lose it. it was to an older Girl, a much much older Girl. Truth be told she came on to me, but i really didnt understand fully what was going on. All i know was that i enjoyed the feeling. i think that incident shaped my view about sex and it probably explains why i sometimes get attracted to older women. 

in normal circles, it could be argued that what happened to me that young was sexual abuse but .......

lets leave it at that.

9) Me and Dating

Females from my job often tell me that im going to end up marrying a white woman... im often puzzled by this idea. Truthfully, i really dont care what Race of woman i marry or that i date. i believe attraction and beauty comes in different shades and shapes. i dont have any preference with regards to dating when it comes to Race or Religion.... What i often look at when i date someone is their personality, how attracted i am to them, how respectable they are and if they can keep and hold an intelligent conversation.... well and also if they are Educated and if they are into fitness lifestyle. i cant date a female who doesnt see education as being important and i cant also date someone who isnt willing to put the effort into taking care of themselves physically. 

10) Me and Death

in my Adult life, i have come close to death twice in my life..... one was a Car Accident and another was A close Drowning in a lake. the Car Accident was a Few years back, my first car, i was racing and being reckless and my car crashed, it flipped over about 3 times and it was completely totalled. i came out of the accident without a scratch, and when the paramedics came i was told that the only reason why i surived was because i was wearing my seatbelt. (anyone who comes into my car, knows how much i neurotically tell them to put on their seatbelt, im like a seatbelt police) and the other incident was more recent. i do have a little issue speaking about it now, but im just glad that im ok. I know death is a part of life, and their was a period of time in my life that i even flirted with taking my own life, but for some reason im still here, and im just glad for every day that im alive on loan. 

11) My Greatest Fear

When i was young, my greatest fear was Cockroaches (i think every little boy i know was scared of cockroaches), now as i have grown, my fear itself has grown, from something tangible to a few things that are intangible. i dont have one particular fear. but one that i can readily divulge is the fear of unaccomplishment. i keep thinking to myself, if i were to die now, No one would care, the world wouldnt even blink, some of my past friends may not even know, not too many people would care or cry. im not afraid of death, im afraid of the emptiness that my death would represent. i have no kids, i have no accomplishments, i just have me. And truthfully, that scares me. 

sooo thats it, my Elevens. 

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lets keep this on the hush

After my last post, i have been abit hesitant to put anything else up. Probably because i feel the need to be abit cautious, especially since im not really an Anonymous blogger. Well its probably too late to become anonymous right now, or is it? anyways, to hell with it, this blog is therapy to me, i often come here to vent and to voice my frustrations about life and the drama that surrounds it. i had a therapist a while back, but therapy cost Grande Dollars, so i had to quit it.
For anyone who felt something happened to me, im alright and still breathing, so no memorial service or wake keeping yet.
a while ago, i looked introspectively at my relationships and i discovered that i havent been in a relationship which i havent cheated in. Thats really bad, No? i guess i am a pro at unhealthy relationships. who would have thought that?
sooo, i have still been up to no good, dont blame me, im attracted to the dark side.

No Good deed number 1
my most recent Ex broke up with her current boyfriend, and as with all relationships, we all look for rebounds, she called me up to vent her frustrations and concerns with her now current Ex, we stayed on the phone for 3 hours, she talked about how ungrateful he was, how much love she had poured into her relationship and how hurt she was that it ended on this bad note. the cause of the break up was irrelevant because all the while we were on the phone, my mind was circling back to "How good the sex was when me and her were together and i was wondering if she still Got it". i told her we could meet for drinks whenever we were free and she cheerfully obliged. we set the date and things were set in motion. a week later we met up for drinks and we had a little conversation going, i decided against making a move on that day, sooo when we said our goodbyes i tried to give her a kiss on the Cheek, a kiss on the cheek transformed into an all out french kiss. Damn, i forgot how much of a good kisser she was, i told her i had to go and nothing developed further on that day. fast forward a week later and we texting and arranging meeting up. We originally made plans to go lounge hopping in the city, but the afternoon of our date, she sent me a text saying "Fuck the City Lounge Hopping, there is only one thing on her mind right now" She continued that "If we meet, we are going to have to sleep together because she has needs", its always been hard for me to turn down sex with a female that i was attracted too, soo i succumbed to the dark side and obliged her request. She reminds me of my favorite pair of jeans, Comfortable, dependable and accentuates me in all the right places. She isnt the best sex i ever had but she is Close. After our escapades, my mind did settle back into reality, there is no future with her and all i have with her is just the past, there is alot of healing and growing she has to do and she definitely has to do it all alone to appreciate it. after our encounter, i have definitely distanced myself even though we promised to meet up for more sessions.

No Good Deed Number 2
the Married woman from my last post, i know i said i Quit her but i guess i told you guys a half truth, i tried to quit her but things didnt work out as planned. i think for now we are in the Happy medium of a Friends with Benefits package, we dont talk as often as we used too, but when we meet we are hardly ever talking anyways. i keep telling myself that im going to quit and stop but im certain that this is my year of unhealthy habits. i really did try to quit but.........
ok all the excuses i came up with are not reasonable enough for me to still be messing with her.

No Good Deed Number 3
an Ex of mine is married and i hardly talk to her, actually i dont talk with her, maybe a text every birthday and holidays but thats it. She has a beautiful daughter and a Husband she has been married to for a little while now. Ordinarily, our relationship had Highs and lows like no other. i have tried to be happy for her and her situation, but truthfully, she isnt too happy for herself. she stopped by unannounced this past weekend and im just soo thankful that she brought along her daughter. We talked, caught up on old times and she told me that she lost my number and had begged a number of our friends in common for it, they all told her to leave me alone (and i wish she listened to all their wise words of wisdom). She got my number back again and She definitely has been texting me some very compromising text messages. there are a few kinks in her marriage and im not sure i want to be the stray that breaks the camels back. Plus her hubby seems like a dude that would literarily kill me if i ever did anything. As reckless as i might be from time to time, im definitely not going to test these dangerous waters. Cheating with one married woman is one married woman too much, im not going to Add another one to head problems. i really do hope things work out for her.

Sooo maybe number 3 wasnt too bad, i actually had my logic kick in and im going to do my part in trying to save her marriage, probably suggest for a push in marriage counseling or something along those lines. i guess im not all bad after all, Maybe Santa would cross my name off the naughty list and put me on the nice list this Christmas. Who knows?

im in Dire need of a healthy relationship to save me from myself. the other day i almost signed up on Match.com .... im afraid in the near future i would soon be Jaded by Love if i keep on like this.