I AM IN REPAIR

my title holds a huge amount of meaning to me. it reminds me of how much i have grown and how much more work i still need to accomplish. i am literally in repair. im in healing not from a broken heart, but from a broken soul. i call it a broken soul because it is a lifetime of learned and natural bad habits i have picked up. i have continually used my bad habits as crutches in my relationships, to explain why i am the way i am. i grew up being my best friend, i have gone through "change of best friends" so many times i have realised the only person that could stick with me, is truly me. when in life, you constantly see a pattern that, who ever it is you love keeps being taken away from you either physically or emotionally, you start to wonder if you are meant to have loved ones around. so i started leading unhealthy relationships where by, when i started to truly feel like i could fall in love or truly be happy, i start to panic, and the first thing that comes to my mind is "oh no, this person is gonna leave". so in order to avoid the person leaving,

 i start to take actions that hinder the growth of the relationship, when i do that it tends to be a vicious cycle of self fulfilling prophecy. then, when the relationship finally dissolves, i say "see, i told me that the relationship wasnt gonna last, i should have listened to me". i reached my breaking point sometime late last year, actually it was more of a self realization than a breaking point. I realized that i am truly scared to see myself happy, for the fear that all happiness is fleeting (hence, the pursuit of happiness).


i am slowly re discovering me and slowly re learning things that make me happy, im trying to become friends with happiness, so it doesnt feel foreign anymore, im learning to be brave in love. As i said, im learning, im not there yet though, im still learning. im like on this journey to love, riding with training wheels. Since i am on training wheels looking for love, i have been rather cautious, every new person i have some across, i have noticed that i tend to discourage myself from actually persuing or discovering if this person might actually be the one. i find myself disqualifying the person ("thinking in my mind, this girl is too short, or she is too tall, or she is too cute, or not cute enough, or she is way religious, or she has no freaking morals, or she is blah blah blah blah and blah, u get the jist") i just go on and on in my head, arguing and disqualifying for no real reason. im at a point where im not sure if im disqualifying or being too picky because im really not ready and i still need more time to be in repair, or whether it is because i am just shy or dare i say afraid to be happy. 


one thing i am scared of right now, is to live a regretful life, for me to get older and have realised that i should have explored and i should have loved when i had the chance, and i should have lived when i was still youthful. these are uncertainties that i might never know, but my mind still stays heavy with the thought of these things. 


Poem
laying awake in bed
thinking about all the idle conversations
i love to have with you
maybe if i dream 
my dreams may be flooded with the sight of you
it sounds enticing with my heart racing with the thoughts of you
anyway i look at it
its a win win situation ending up with you
thinking about all the things
i have always imagined doing to you
ok, calm down
play coy because i only look desperate if i confess all this to you
but truthfully
my life is plain ol' awkward 
if i keep pretending we are just friends


p.s. i can only freestyle my poetry for so long. im thinking im gonna have to start writing my work so its more refined.... yeah yeah, i know people love raw work, but i wanna make sure im putting pure quality work out there bcuz i believe all my readers deserve it. lol.