Guest Blog - The Ambivalent Heart

Before I begin, I thought I should say a few things.
(1) Thank you Mr.LoveLifeForSale for the guest blogging opportunity. 'Tis an honor.
(2) He told me I had to write on the topic of love.. I only write blogs on topics of love, but lately I've felt like my love well's run dry. So I told him I'd write about him.
So what you see below is an entry...from me, about him, to you.

---

The Ambivalent Heart

You know, in a way, he's everything I ever wanted.
"Someone who gets me" is what I wished for.. and he certainly does.
But he's also everything I don't want..
I know what he's capable of.. and I don't like it.
I could say I wish I didn't know, but I'm glad I do...
I'm glad that despite what I may end up thinking of him...
the good, bad, and very ugly... he tells me it all anyway..
And I guess that's why I like him..
His honesty... Brutal.. fucking honesty.
But it's this same honesty that lets me know how deceitful he can be.
I don't want that. I can't have that... I can't want that right?
I am afraid of being hurt... by him.
If this were a year ago, I would have never believed he could hurt me.
Matter-of-fact, I knew, if anything, I could easily hurt him.
When did I grant him this power over me?
When did he sneak in and.. infiltrate my heart?
I've never directly given him my heart and I don't think I ever planned on it.
I'm not sure I ever could.
I don't think he's ready for me.
And I'm not sure if I could ever be ready for him.
I don't know if my heart would ever let me.
I'm not sure if my mind would let me.
On paper, he's just about perfect for me.
In person, he's just about perfect for me.
In reality.. and in fantasy... I'm not sure if he's what I'd call perfection.
He's far from perfect. He is actually the perfect imperfection.
But I tend to be pulled in by the fallen angel...
Tempted by the challenge of their nature.
I get absorbed in his presence.
Wanting to soak up whatever his essence might be..
Knowing very well that his essence isn't pure..
And it scares me to know that I could be so lured by the darkness..
Yet it's this same darkness that makes me hesitate..
makes me want to push and stay very far away.....
I can hear the warnings.. my intuition telling me that if I step into his domain
I will get burned...
And yet I'm enticed by the heat.. the fiery light.. the raging energy...
It warms my soul
And I want to bathe and bask in it until the smoke becomes unbearable.
He is the friend I cherish..
and we have a friendship I don't know I want to risk losing
within the intricate labyrinth of love.
You are everything I could have wanted..
and everything I could have not.
How do I settle my ambivalent heart?
 


Niki I.<< link to my blog

The Versatile Blogger Award!!! Yay ME

i have been MIA for just a little bit, but thankfully im not dead, or missing or kidnapped (i know someone who called me to find out if one of those things had happened to me).... i have just been a bit busy. Sooo i just got the Versatile Blogger award form aseni and toinlicious ...... im sooo grateful, because earlier this year, i had been complaining to my followers that i had not gotten any awards, so its cool to actually get awards without having to whine or guilt trip or throw tantrums. i think i actually got this award also from H and KitKat earlier in the Year, but i procrastinated actually doing it.... but now, im gonna do the Award, Yay to Progress. 


Im thankfully to everyone who gave me this award, Aseni, Toinlicious and Previous H and Kitkat. soo these are the rule 


i have to share 7 things about myself
and i have to pass this award along to people who i think deserve it and i have to let them know about it. 
okie dokie


7  random things about me


NUMBER 1
For the past month, i haven't been able to stop listening to The Weeknd (a canadian r'n'b artist) there is something dark about his music that i cant shake off. he has two mixtapes out and its quality is above most artist who have albums out. there is something awesome about finding really good music that is free, that matches up or even surpasses music that is out there which you have to pay for. (truthfully, i dont pay for music... but shhhhh, dont tell the Feds).




The Weeknd - Wicked Games

The Weeknd Feat. Drake - The Zone

His voice is not only powerful, but his Lyrics have a way of pulling you in. If you are a person who listens to songs because of their lyrics instead of the its catchy hooks, then this may be up your alley. 
i discovered him a while back, and after i heard his third song, i knew i was on to something great. its almost the same way i felt when i heard Drakes Mixtapes, i discovered him almost a full year before he became mainstream, sooo im almost certain this Artist, the Weeknd would soon be Mainstream by Mid Next Year or even Earlier. 






NUMBER 2
i have an uneasy Duality..... im both Nice and Naughty.... in my life time, if i had a dime for all the times someone called me a nice guy, i would be a modest thousandaire, and if i also had a dollar for all the times the same person called me a Jerk a Week later, i would be a millionaire. the thing about me is that im both sweet to a fault and im also pretty darn mean. im always worried about what side of me manifest itself whenever i wake up. it got soo horrible a while back that i actually had to see a therapist.... i know there is a stigma against people seeing therapist and telling strangers your problems, but it takes alot of strength to admit that you have a problem. 


NUMBER 3
A little secret about me is, i don't want to get married to a virgin.... i know guys are supposed to be all crazy and hopeful about getting married to virgins, but im just not one of those guys.... i don't even know to many guys that want to get married to virgins. Maybe back in the beginning of the 20th century, it was  all the craze, but not me, or any of the guys i have spoken too. i have my many reasons about why i wouldn't be inclined to marrying one but that should be for another blog post. Though i commend Virgins every where, i know quite a few female Virgins personally, and im impressed by the resilience they have to be pure until there are married. im almost certain they would make some handsome lucky guy happy someday, but for me, its just something i don't want. 


NUMBER 4
I have a problem, the problem is that i like girls..... a whole lot. i realized that ever since i was a little kid, i always wanted to be around girls, tickle girls and look up their skirts..... girls are just beautiful creatures... when i was young, i almost always saw myself marrying 4 different wives, but the older i got, i realized that it would not be possible, well, atleast it could happen, but i cant have 4 wives under the same roof, and they possibly can not know each other.....


NUMBER 5
Im Agnostic, im not religious, nor do i subscribe to the doctorine of any religious Faith. my Views on Religion have been well thought out, it has it positives but it also has its negatives.... i believe that there is the possiblity of a God, or a supernatural being. but i think religion corrupts the entity of God, it causes Wars, it is meant to be the beacon of peace and enlightenment, but history shows that Religion impedes on progressive thinking and it has more Blood on its hand than any of the Plagues from the dark to middle ages. The only School of thought i subscribe to right now is Logic and Science, If you can prove it, measure it, see it, then it exist. As i said, religion has its good and its bad, but its just not for me.


NUMBER 6
I think my Poetry is Awesome... i know not everyone sees my poetry the way i see it, but i think its because i put so much time, thought and passion into each one i write. i am almost always proud of each one i have on this blog, in my opinion i think the world is slow to catch up on my poetry, but i also realize that i can be abit delusional if anything. 




NUMBER 7
my Greatest fear in life...... its not death, its not being alone and single, its not dying alone, One of my greatest fears in life is actually me, never becoming successful. i want to be able to leave a mark on the world, it does not have to be a huge, revolutionary mark, i just think i would be devastated, if i live my life, and i look back on my life, and i have not been successful by any measure, i would probably die from that fear. All i want to be is, i want to be remembered, i want to be accomplished, i just want to be successful. most times, im just sitting having dreams that money cant buy. 




Ok, those were 7 random things about me... its almost a longer blog post than i wanted it to be. this coming week or probably next week, i would be having a guest blogger on my blog, i have no idea what the topic would be about or the content of the post, but im kind of excited. I know my Guest Blogger would rock sooo, i just hope you guys show some love as yall always doo. 






Sooo these are the nominations im passing out, for the lovely blogger, im certain some already have been nominated already by other bloggers, but anyways, here goes. 


EDJ
Toinlicious
Max- Logic
Miss Enigma
H
Iphyigbogirl
Pieces of Me
Me and Then Some
Niki_i
Abi Tobi
Lohi Creations
Aseni
My Life
Soleez




I know im forgetting some people, but i do frequent alot of blogs.... Anyways.... thats my blog awards.... if i forgot about you, please its because im forgetful.... all the blogs on my blog roll are awesome, and i read every blog, even though i may not comment. anyways.... hope to hear from yall later. Ciao.

The One we Want Vs the One we Need

Disclaimer: this is a long post..... you may need to take some time out before you read this post.


disclaimer 2: dont say i didnt warn you.... dont complain because i already told you before hand.




Fucking Insomnia, the Selfish little Bitch has Stricken again (stricken sounds so grammatically wrong, but my spell check says its right) . i tossed and curled up all night, trying to look for rest, but i desperately can not sleep. i initially wanted to write the post when i had had adequate rest so my emotions would pour onto the page organically and logically (like emotions are ever really logical) and so that i would make sense. i dont want to sound like im a rambling buffoon on my blog.... not that i should care, but i care. 


I often think up topics i want to explore and discuss on my blog, but i never publish them because im worried i would never be able to shed enough light or i would not be able to put in words, the justice that a piece deserves, so basically i shoot myself in the foot and i decide not to write the topic because i feel im not a good enough writer to deal with the multifaceted dimensions that the topic merits. well, as from today, i say Fuck That (see when im tired but i cant sleep i tend to have a potty mouth), so im writing about " The one we want Vs the one we Need"


im going to define the terms the best way i know how to, but remember, my name is not wikipedia or Britannica  sooo my definitions are just loose terms according to me.


so "The One you Need"
the one you need is that one person that comes into your life and immediately makes you want to change for the better, the person makes you want to be a better version of you, the person adds meaning to your everyday life, the person is someone you can possibly see yourself with married and with kids, its the person that you want to be stuck on an island with, or rather you want to be stuck in the house with on those cold rainy days. its the person that makes

Randomly Awake while i should be asleep

i have a problem, its a slight case of insomnia.... i often find it hard to fall asleep most nights.... my body must have gotten used to me working overnight shifts over time that i find myself much more sleepy during the day.... this issue made sleep through summer, literally. i never once went to the beach during the day all summer, even though i was amped about going all winter and spring. its such a shame... so im usually wide awake all night long, only if im on some super strong happy pills aka (Rx Painkillers, dont dismay, it was prescribed to me legally for a good reason, i dont abuse drugs.... ok maybe i do a lil, but not often)


being awake at this time and having insomnia wouldnt be too bad, but the stupid thing is i have class early in the AM and i really should be asleep. the catch 22 is, i often ignore my BBM messages at this time because im trying to go to sleep, but i dont get to go to sleep as fast as i should.


the known things that really help with knocking me out are


Pain killers
reading a boring book
and good sex
(not in any order, mind you)


Painkillers::::: im all out of the good stuff, so i cant do that now


Reading a Boring Book:::: my mind is soo alert that a boring book would probably not help right now


Good Sex::::::: im supposed to be abstinent while this semester is in session but fuck it (pun intended)...... (im not good at staying away from temptation, sooo i know i would fail at this a couple of times during my semester)


Sooo while im waiting for sleep to carry me away, i realized that there are some commercials i find freaking hilarious on insomnia TV.... i dont care, im a dork for liking commercials, there are some that i get super excited when i see them come on...


Commercials make the world a better place, trust me. i even know the scripts to some of my favorite commercials, so i would leave you with a couple of commercials that i currently like,




AXE BOYFRIEND

haha this one is freaking hilarious.... the look on rogers face after is priceless.... lol.






AXE MANNEQUIN

lol... this one too is hilarious....










Hanes Special Paste Commercial

The Husbands look when the wife calls his idea stupid, is sooo priceless... almost like O_o ... woman, my idea is a master piece.




Planet Fitness Bang Bang

haha.... Bang Bang bang, i need to put my email address down?? ok


Petco Goodlooking Doggie

im not too big with dressing Doggies up or down, but there is something about this dog that just makes me smile :)


Mcdonalds Credit Card Roulette

This isnt the exact commercial that is running on TV but if you ever see this commercial on TV, you would understand why i like this commercial.


Anyways, leave a message telling me what you do to fight the insomnia, what commercials make you smile or whatever the case maybe.


this is a random post, the real one may or may not be coming on soon after.

On to other things

Sooo apparently, if you are involved in the nigerian bloggosphere, you would have realized that there was a discussion about Pro Gays & Anti Gays, unfortunately for you, im not going to discuss that in this blog. 
i know i might have said a few incendiary remarks while trying to defend my view point, sooo if anyone got their feelings hurt, let the healing process begin. im sorry.


This post is going to be sweet and short, hopefully. 

Voices in My Head

Can i call myself crazy if i hear voices in my head, or do i just label it as something else, like "creative insight"? dont worry, the voices i hear usually advice me to do good things, so i guess its ok. i have been holding out from blogging because im certain people would easily judge and say, "this nigga is Crazy". its not Kosher to use the N Word, but i only used it because i assumed other people in the world actually say the word in their minds. though i must admit, i sometimes think i might be crazy, or that i cant tell for certain that im not entirely crazy. i have come to realize that the mind works in very strong and mysterious ways. i have read articles and i have also taken cognitive Psychology classes about how the human mind works. The Human mind is Scary and entirely fascinating. 


Im not a Writer, and i sometimes struggle with proper communication of all the words that roam around in my head, i try my best at communicating effectively, but i know i fall short by a mile or more. I only think about the voice in my head because at any given time, i always feel like im trying to suppress things that are running wild in my head. Not everything i say or write would be received positively.... i almost dont care if it isnt received positively (but as humans, we all tend to want to be loved or liked)... i often have opposing ideas or opposing moral views in my head. it almost feels like there are two MEs in me. 


i have the good boy trying to be happy, staying positive, trying to find myself in a healthy happy committed relationship with a person that i can build something with, then i have the evil person that creeps in when i least expect it, im devious, im emotionally unavailable, i objectify material things and i have not depth to me. 
this forum is not my psychiatry office and you are not my psychologist, i have a lot of growing to do.
All i can do is grow and pray for personal growth, we all have some disturbing issues, some have more issues than others, i can only hope anyone who wants to stick around me would have as many issues as i do.... whats that saying, misery loves company. 
im broken and i tend to fare better in relationships with someone whom is just as broken. 


besides all that emotional, melancholic bullshit..... here are some updates..... school is back in session, work has always been in session, im slacking big time on my gym and i need a workout partner or some crazy motivation. 


an Artist you need to check out is The Weeknd, the group is going to blow up like Drake did. he is Hedonistic and absolutely genuis, he work is very dark, so if  you are happy go lucky, stay the hell away from his Work. his work is totally polished, and well done. i just discovered "the Weeknd" over the Weekend (pun intended) and i cant stop playing his two mixtape albums. You can download his free Albums from his website, CLICK ON THIS TEXT 4 LINK 


its 5 aM in the Morning, i should be sleeping but i had to write this poem, its been on my mind for a few days so i had to let it out before it engulfed me.


Poem
My love is Toxic
Sooo please don't fall in love
i have a trail of broken hearts 
buried behind all my innocent smiles
its a graveyard of love
my kisses are psycho tropic drugs
so only kiss my lips if you are ready
ready to overdose on all my false hopes
im just a bit down now
give me a few seconds 
lemme take my happy pills
now, i swear i can promise to be happy
to be happy with you forever
or until i come off from my high
but in either case
i can only beg you
please, don't fall in love with me

Im Certain this is a Poetry Blog

im almost certain that i opened this blog as a poetry blog..... it started out with more poetry and less chit chat.... im not complaining about the new format, but my stories or my personal incidents seem to distract readers from the poems themselves.... or maybe yall notice the poem and yall just choose to willfully ignore them. Reader A thinking*: hmmmmm, maybe if i ignore his poems long and hard enough, maybe lovelife4sale would stop writing them*..... (i really hope yall dont think that)


So, this post would be more Poetry and less Chit Chat. 

Perfectly Single

I have been procrastinating writing the post for a while. i have looked for excuses as to why i should do other things instead of pour out my mind onto my blog. i think i only hesitate because my blog leaves me a bit more exposed than i bargained for. i want to pour all of my heart and mind out, but i hesitate because im not anonymous, and its too late for me to be. i can not complain, i made the decision to not be anonymous. Anyways, apart from me feeling that the honesty of my blog leaves me too exposed, i have also been a bit busy too. 


i can never tell how long my post would be because i dont pre write it, nor do i ever like spell check my post. i write my post in the moment, so whenever i do write, i have to be feeling some kind of way to write and i have to be close to my laptop..... so the ingredients for me to write a post are = i have to be in the moment of wanting to write + i have to be near my laptop. 


Perfectly Single, hmmmmm how do i explain this Phrase? i know in previous post i have gone on and on about my Ex and how much this and that has helped shaped me, and why i began to write a blog.... but i do promise, this is the last time i would be writing about her on this blog. 

Le Male PMS

Caution: this is a Short and Sweet post..... 

(ok maybe not sweet, but its short though)

(*only if i mistakenly get carried away with the post and i begin to go on a tangent, but i honestly swear that i intend on making this as short as possible)

(**Just incase this post isnt short or sweet, just count it as your Surprise for the day)

i heard there is such a thing as Male PMS, i cant back it up with any empirical evidence or studies from the NY times or other scientific Journals, but i am certain such a thing exist, if it does exist, then i must suffer from this Ailment ever so often. It is a point in a Man Life or a Young Mans life, where he gets moods swings, he feels detached from everyone and anyone around him, he loses motivation to do things which once got him excited, he feels bloated (maybe thats from all the emotional Eating he goes through, *hey, dont judge, its a serious ailment) Change in Sleeping pattern,

Only Poetry gets me thru my day

Beginning of the week monday and im putting out a new post already, wow, yall should be happy, actually, i am happy for you that you are happy (comeon say it slow, you would get the gist of what i am trying to say). i findout that when i type the way i talk, it sounds like im speaking and constructing my sentences in a puzzle like manner. I blame my Yoruba Teacher. lol


Sooo, it has come to my attention that

I Think She has a Race Problem

im gonna make this post, short and sweet. i know i need to fully explore this topic but i dont have as much facts and i havent conducted enough surveys to back up my claims, these are just opinions stated from personal experiences that are limited to the small world i live and know. 


so i think she has a race problem, its something i feel most women of color that i know seem to be suffering from. short narrative, this past weekend, i was catching up and having dinner with a friend that i hadnt seen in almost 2 years. i was in a Nigerian Restaurant in NYC (take a wild guess because i know that you know that i know that there are not that many nigerian restaurants in NYC that we dont know of.... p.s. i know that sentence sounds confusing, but take a deep breadth and breathe while you read it slowly in fragments. :)).... As me and my friend were having dinner, we met two middle aged women Who were very new york but had that afro centric vibe to them,