Perfectly Single

I have been procrastinating writing the post for a while. i have looked for excuses as to why i should do other things instead of pour out my mind onto my blog. i think i only hesitate because my blog leaves me a bit more exposed than i bargained for. i want to pour all of my heart and mind out, but i hesitate because im not anonymous, and its too late for me to be. i can not complain, i made the decision to not be anonymous. Anyways, apart from me feeling that the honesty of my blog leaves me too exposed, i have also been a bit busy too. 


i can never tell how long my post would be because i dont pre write it, nor do i ever like spell check my post. i write my post in the moment, so whenever i do write, i have to be feeling some kind of way to write and i have to be close to my laptop..... so the ingredients for me to write a post are = i have to be in the moment of wanting to write + i have to be near my laptop. 


Perfectly Single, hmmmmm how do i explain this Phrase? i know in previous post i have gone on and on about my Ex and how much this and that has helped shaped me, and why i began to write a blog.... but i do promise, this is the last time i would be writing about her on this blog. 

Last Month, was a month of closure, i had my One Year Anniversary of being Single.... i expected to feel almost lonely and somewhat remorseful, but i had a great Epiphany, i realized that there was absolutely nothing wrong with being single.


I have added so much personal growth to myself within this Year of being single and not in a committed relationship. i wish i could say that it wasn't hard at first adjusting to being by myself, but every minute of it was painstakingly hard. The Winter months were the longest, and the holidays didn't help. i have been in Repair for the past year, and now, i think im coming to terms with being broken. 
truth be told, my last relationship taught me something so scary, it taught me that, when you center yourself and activities around someone else other than yourself, you begin to lose yourself in that person. you lose yourself soo much so that, when the person disappears, you dont remember who or what it is you were before the person. 




Losing myself in my ex has gotten me to the realization that, i probably dont think i want to allow myself to be lost in another person ever again, well not for a while. Im basically saying that, im in no mental state to be in a relationship, nor should i be seeking one. im actively dating and i think thats as far as i should go. im not sure if i can bare another heart break, nor am i sure if im willing to find myself yet again if my next relationship fails. 


Fear is a huge Motivator, and to me Relationship is something to be Fearful of.....  Dating is Fun, but when school swings back into gear im almost certain all my dating would stop. 


A friend asked, "if your Ex came back to you, and wanted you back, what would you do?".... i thought for a moment, and i replied...." its not that i want my Ex back entirely, i do miss her, but the reason i have been hung up on her for so long is the fact that me and her went through a number of important experiences together, its hard for me to accept that an important person in my life is no more going to be in my life, but it is something that im going to slowly do"..... and in all actuality i meant all the words i said, and the moment, i got rid of the last physical evidence that existed as proof that me and my ex where ever in a relationship, that was the moment i felt a calmness and a sudden rush of closure. 


i found the closure that i have searched high and low for, all the uncertainty of me and of an us has been buried, almost like how the dead are buried, now im only hopefully about my Tomorrows of me living as a ME and im certainly Glad i have no one but myself to answer to. 
soooo i am perfectly single, and hopefully, not itching to be in a relationship soon.


*but you never know, Cupid as his fucking bow and arrow work in ridiculous ways*


as always, im going to leave a poem for yall

Poem
Our Goodbyes Linger so long on the tips of our lips
That we hope they can suddenly turn to hellos
I keep looking for the right words
to run wild and escape from my mouth
So that you could stay for a stolen moment longer
i have unnatural memory gaps
from your Goodbyes to my Hellos
its the only way my mind can deal with me not being around you
i said my last good byes to you in this lifetime
hopefully when we reincarnate
we would eagerly say our hellos
Like the long lost lovers that we are








p.s. Two Things, if i made grammatical errors in my post, fill in the blanks with the appropriate words, or lexicon which ought to be there, 2ndly, Kindly comment after you read the post.... 
Thanks Ciao.


and Awwwww aint that hello kitty pic soooo emo and cute. lol.