Borrowed Love

Im grateful for both my Guest Bloggers, these are bloggers i admire and know personally. if anything they both inspire me to be a better writer, both in poetry and in blogging itself. im inclined to reaching out to more followers of mine, at later dates to grace my blog..... so please dont be surprised when i start emailing you  for guest blogger request, and please dont be scared to reach out. 

i have been bad again blogsville, i have been a really really bad boy or man or man child or male (whatever freaking term you want to choose)... so if you remember, in one of my Earlier post... Actually this post here, i outlined all my Resolutions.... one of my resolutions was to not Cheat. Either Cheat on a person who is my girlfriend, or be with a girl who would be cheating with their man with me. Sooo, you wouldnt believe, i kinda sorta broke that resolution. Actually, i have broken all my resolutions, but i was hoping i would be able to keep that No Cheating Resolution this year. Well, i kind of have to let this out.....

This forum is my therapy and i know i need some therapy right about now.

WARNING 1: THIS IS A LONG POST, DO NOT READ IT IF DONT HAVE TIME TO READ IT.

WARNING 2: THIS POST HAS ALOT OF PERSONAL UNNECESSARY INFO

WARNING 3: I Warned You, So dont say i didnt Warn you. Proceed at your own RISK

let me tell you how this story started. 

over the spring semester, i was interning at a Tax Program, im certain i mentioned this at an earlier post at the beginning of the year, i basically was a Student Supervisor. i and about 6 of my peers were in charge of about 100+ Volunteers, we were in charge of training students from different schools to prepare taxes.... we reported directly to the IRS, it was fun and challenging and it kept me a whole lot busy. i met this girl, lets call her "Ashley", she was under the team i had to supervise.... She was Ivorian, so we had the whole African Connection thing in common... She is cute, dark skinned and Smart. She Spent part of her Teenage years traveling and living from Ivory Coast to Togo To France, so she was well travelled. She had the kind of body that Africans are usually proud of, you know the one with the rolling hips and curves that go on for days.... she had a cute little french accent because she spoke it basically all her life, she spoke English so foreignly, because frankly, english was foreign to her. i kind of got the impression that she is one of those girls that havent been single a day in her life, you know how beautiful girls hardly ever get enough time to be single after a break up, how some other guy is already stepping up to the plate to be her Boyfriend after she breaks up with her old boyfriend, yeah she gave off that impression to me. these were all the things i noticed and observed all in a span of an hour of meeting her. 

she was on my training team, so she always asked me for help and guidance with the tax issues, within the second week of my internship my co-interns were already making comments like "yall two look good together" (*Mistake number 1, never underestimate the power of suggestion or innocent comments... the thing about innocent suggestions is, the idea remains with you while you on doing other things, and then when you finally are alone with your thoughts, you start to think about those innocent comments and suggestions, those suggestions start to grow roots and they grapple into the epi center of your brain, from those roots, you start to take action)

sooo my co-interns mentioned that a couple more times, then she finally let the cat out of the Bag, she blurted out that she had a boyfriend... i heard that and immediately shut off all the silly little fantasies i had played out in my head.... (i know im not the only one, who day dreams about things that are yet to happen). 

So as the days passed, i talked as casually as i could about heading out for some african food with my co-interns, she over heard me and basically invited herself... you know when people say, "Oh, so you arent going to invite me to .......", yeah so thats how she invited herself, i said ok, why not. she said she wanted to go right after our intern work day that day, and i didnt have any plans so i obliged.... after we closed up the Tax Program for the day, no one else was willing to come out, sooo it was me and her. she was like she had to go home and get properly dressed, so she asked nicely if i could drop her off home and wait till she got dressed.... (in my mind, im like.... i think she thinks this shit is a date of some sort or she just likes looking nice to go eat *insert confused male face)... anyways, as i was dropping her off, before she left my car, she did a little lingering (in my mind, if you linger in my car longer than 10secs after we get to your house and we have said our goodbyes, then you are sending me a signal that you want me to kiss you)... So guess what i did? I tried kissing her, and guess what she did? She pushed me off immediately, like N*gga, you know i have a Boyfriend, WTF are you doing? Sooo, i answered sheepishly, im attracted to you, i guess you are attracted to me and you were lingering in my car, she didnt reply and she told me the dinner was off.

Needless to say, after that awkward incident, i could hardly talk to her while we were doing our internship. i was embarrassed and i had just gotten a big ELA... i know as a guy, we are supposed to get rejected once in awhile, but damn.... that was a very unsubtle rejection.. kai. 

Fastforward to the last few weeks of the internship. She walked up to me and asked me, why i stopped talking to her through out the internship? 

i was like? wait, what??? i felt awkward after the whole rejected kiss incident and i figured i give her some space. She was like i didnt have to do that, that we could still be friends, she exchanged numbers with me and told me i should use it.... i told her explicitly that there is no way im going to be friends with her, so if im using her number, im not using it under the intentions of being friends. (most times, i always try to give a disclaimer)

Fastforward to the Summer, my two Male BFFs were busy, one was out of the country and the other was in intense military training. An Idle mind is the devils workshop.... and boy was my mind idle, i called her up, did a little small talk (oh Gosh, how i hate small talk) and we decided we should meet up. She reassured me that it wasnt a date and it shouldnt be labelled as such because she has a boyfriend, and i told her she can call it whatever she wanted to call it, i dont care about labels. 

we go out on our Psuedo-Date, which really isnt meant to be a date... while we are out, we are drinking and getting comfortable, needless to say, one thing leads to another and within the course of the night, we are making out and doing some heavy petting... we get back indoors and im worried that we are about to do more than just kissing, i ask her if she is sure she wants to go down this route, she said "i already opened pandora's box, she would be uber mad if we stopped now", me being the gentleman that i am, i oblige to the ladies Threats of not stopping. By the end of the night we have sex.... i wasnt too comfortable with us taking it all the way, plus i had some guilt nagging on my soul. My output on the Sex was sub par if anything and she was ever so gracious about the whole incident (Hey, sometimes i can be sub par at sex if my mind isnt all in it, i would never claim to be God's gift to women).... so in my mind, im like Great, another awkward moment (she seems to bring out the awkward in me)... so i figured it doesnt count if we both didnt enjoy it right, so no harm no foul. 


After our little stint, we didnt speak for almost a month... I figured she need all the time in the world to forget about the night. Out of the blues on night she called me up and got super furious, she was like "wow, i knew all you wanted was one thing, and now you got it you dont want to be friends or talk to me ever again"... i apologized about dealing with the whole incident poorly and boy, did she give me hell.

Fastforward to the fall semester, we hardly saw eachother again during the summer and i figured we could both look back and laugh at the summer night. we texted once in awhile to check up on each other but nothing ever too serious. she told me that school was kicking her ass and her job is getting on her nerves... (she works in a French restaurant in the City where she bartends and she sometimes works as a server). She calls me up about 3 weeks to a month ago on a friday night and tells me that she Just Moved into an Apartment in the city, she invites me over for some house/apartment warming, im like ok, i rationalize that there is no harm in going to help her settle in to her new place, because what are friends for right? She sends me the Address and tells me to call her when i get there. if you know anything about new york city, you know how horrible it is to get parking in the city.... im a bit hesistant, but i figure i should just go before she takes me on a guilt trip about being a horrible person... 

i drive over to her apartment, and i was right, there was no parking spots in sight, she comes down and says 5 magic words that anyone who owns a car in the city wants to hear, "My Apartment has a Private Parking Garage", ok i guess thats 7 magic words... 

i park, and she leads me upstairs to her apartment, and once i walk in... my mouth drops down to the Floor.... im a huge HGtv buff, soo when i walk in and i see Wood floors, Granite counter tops in the Kitchen, stainless steel appliances, a terrace with a nice view and en suite bathrooms in the bedrooms, The little Home Dreamer in me is in crush with her apartment.... im like how the hell did she get an apartment like that as a student and how can she afford it... she laughs and says something about having hook ups and how her apartment mate is the person who actually found it. Anyways, we get to catching up and she tells me that her Boyfriend helped her move her stuff in, and how he helped her get new furniture because she didnt like her old one. 

for a second i actually forgot she had a boyfriend.... then everything came rushing back to me, i saw a ring on her engagement finger and i got taken aback more... im like "congrats", as i point to the ring, and she was like, she is in love with him, but she gave a long pause.....

now my mind doesnt know what to make of all this, She has a Man who is obviously in love with her and she tells me that she is in love with him, but i dont know what exactly im doing in her apartment at 1am at night.... So, we keep talking, she tells me her Boyfriend is about 30 years old and she is just 22, she has gone from one relationship to another and she feels she hasnt lived life yet, she says she is young and she wants to have fun before she decides to marry and settle down...

Any logical, responsible Friend would compliment her on how nice her apartment is, and then excuse himself and leave the apartment never to come back again.... but, sometimes im not logical nor am i responsible. She opens a bottle of wine (haha, she is sooo french) and we move our conversation into her  room, she knows im big on ideas for interior design and she asks me for ideas on where she should put her furniture so she can have optimal space and function. i indulge in this little game and i throw interior design ideas haphazardly... she laughs and tells me im silly. 

a bit more wine and a bit more flirting, and we are back to where we were during summer. from kissing, one thing leads to another, it all felt like Deja vu except the Sex was a whole lot better this time ( i guess,  since i wasnt too note worthy the first time, the only direction i could go was up)... needless to say, i spent a Huge part of the Weekend over... (Lord forgive me for all my sins, kai).

I disappeared into her that weekend, and she disappeared into me, no cell phones, no TV, almost no food only when necessary and the whole world outside was just a blurr within the walls of her apartment. 

Two more weekends, and still the same story.... everything feels right, except for the fact that she has a boyfriend that is willing to marry her. her boyfriend is always in and out of the country, she shies away from talking about him, she feels i get a bit tense whenever she ever references him, and she is right about that. 

This week, i had time to think for myself and assess the situation that i put myself in.... i realize i always tend to put myself in big horrible messes that have the potential of blowing up in my face... i have been cheated in the past, and i have also been cheated on.... its never fun when you find out that your Girlfriend or your mate cheated on you. i know i am some what of a horrible person at fleeting times, i can acknowledge it... now this guilt has been eating me up and i have had no one to let this load off on... i know my blog is the most semi safe place i can think off. I promised myself that this fall semester would be less distractions, and more focusing on me... these recent events have started to eat at me and i feel like im spiraling into self injurious behavior, im a bit more gloomy, im slacking abit in school and i picked up my first pack of cigarettes in a year. im hoping i can break this horrible cycle starting from today.... sooo hopefully, i follow through on sitting my ass in my home this weekend. 

speak about the devil..... i just received a text from Ashley and it reads

" i cant wait to see you tonight" 

Poetry

My feelings are without filter

as my intentions lay naked

underneath the sheets we just shared

the last time i checked

her heart was still being leased to another owner

so i am spending her borrowed love

while she lends herself to me

on borrowed time

she is the most convenient agreement i can handle right now

and im a punctuation

to her seasonal loneliness

only till she learns how to make it, all on her own

she possibly cant love me any more than she loves him

the problem is she is just too young 

i kinda wish it could last forever

nahhhh,

i think these brief moments would do for now

Let me know what you think, how should i answer her text message?? would i be folish to give in again?? is there any happy ending to this story??