Wow... funny how time flies, i know i promised a post a week ago, but i just got done with finals, so i really have a valid excuse for not keeping up with my end of the bargain. i have been busy. its soo good to finally kick off the Summer, unofficially though, now that i have all this free time, i almost dont know what im going to do with myself....(actually i know what im going to do, i got semi big plans for the summer).
i have gotten Tagged for the 11 elevens, i should really participate, but i keep postponing, Anyways thats for another day.
Me and relationships.
What's not to love about relationships? there are a beautiful thing, especially when you are in one with someone who cares for you, shares all your aspirations and dreams and is truly your equal; mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I envy people in stable loving and healthy relationships, you know those kind of relationships that nurture your soul and feed your livelihood. the kind that makes you smile whenever you wake up in the morning, the kind that what ever you are doing, your mind wanderers straight to your significant other, wondering what he/she is doing, if they are okay, and if you are on their mind as much as they are on your mind.
all that relationship gushy stuff is great, but the problem with me and relationships is, im always a little bit worried to let myself go fully.
for you to be able to push through in a relationship, you have to be emotionally naked with your significant other, you have to be willing to be vulnerable, and truthfully, im not sure i can do that, because to be vulnerable means that you are willing to take the risk of heartache and let downs. And experience has told me that, people would always let you down (whether knowingly or unknowingly) people always fuck up. thats just nature.
Every relationship i have been in, whenever i catch myself getting too happy, and euphoric, i panic, i tell myself that there is no way this happiness is going to last, something bad is going to fuck it up.... i begin to get consumed by how many ways shit could fuck up, and i start to panic big time. As laid back as i try to come off, im truthfully someone who like to be in control, im passive aggressive, so i like to subtlety be in control, because of my under G nature of being in control, i decide to Fuck shit up in the relationship by myself most times. my logic doesnt make sense to anybody i tell, but i figure that, the relationship is going to get Fucked up, soo if it eventually gets fucked up, Why cant i be the one to control the fuck up? why shouldnt i have the power over the fuck up??? its a stupid logic, but it has shielded me from feeling extremely powerless in the aftermaths of my relationships.
Sooo in almost all relationships i have been in, i fucked them all up, maybe passively sometimes, but most times, i aggressively worked to fuck it all up. I slowly withdrew emotionally, i slowly became a bit more callous and honest than i had too, i slowly let my mind wander and i allowed myself to cheat on my significant other, i slowly stopped paying attention to her and all the wonderful things about her.
im still afraid of relationships, but my phobia is getting a bit more controlled. i cant say that i would be ready to dive head first into a healthy relationship tomorrow, but im certain that sometime in the future, i would seek one, and fight exclusively for one. As for now, im comfortable in my psuedo relationships, with women who dont belong to me, While i remain an owner of no one.
Maybe im paranoid for thinking that nothing good last for ever, but do you think it justifies my logic of controlling the chaos in the relationship? does it really make me a bad person?
let me hear your opinions...
please dont forget to subscribe and leave a comment
story of my life....relationships scare me!!....the whole being emotionally naked is the hardest part for me.....i think if the right one comes along tho...i will be willing
ReplyDeleteThankfully im not the only person scared of relationships... though i hope i can be emotionally ready when the right person comes along too.
DeleteRelationships are not easy at all and I was a bit like to you in sabotaging some chances I could have had. But with time and experience comes maturity and more knowledge on how to deal with such feelings.
ReplyDeleteyou are right about the whole relationships arent easy part. maybe also because im a man so i know i can afford to delay the getting mature part so i can be in a healthy relationship.
Deletei can relate to this shit so much. idk about you but for me, i went through some stuff as a kid and it made me look to men for validity. what i didn't realize was that i allowed myself to be had by men who could never see me for who i was. i was looking for some way to heal how i felt in men who i knew wouldn't be able to touch me. i thought i knew how to be vulnerable. i told them my story and i laid down with them but i never loved and trusted myself in a way that i could ever love and trust them. i allowed myself to get caught up in the idea of relationships and how affirming i thought they would be. they weren't. i wasn't ever in the healthy, affirming kind and for a long time i was okay with that. i was afraid of being left. when things went wrong instead of working to further it along like you did, i worked even harder to hold on because i believed that it was my fault. that a failed relationship that had no wings to begin with was a reflection of my worth as a woman and that in turn meant i really didn't deserve to be loved. i told myself that i'm going to be single for as long as i need to be. that when i love myself enough, a relationship will work to supplement my already amazing life. i won't allow it to be the center, make or break it kind... this is kinda long-winded and i might have lost you somewhere along the way but it made sense to me as i was typing 500 wpm LOL :)
ReplyDeletelol.... yeah thats alot of writing you did, i was following you completely until i reached half way then i wasnt sure what was going on anymore.... im certain if i reread it completely 10 more times we would be on the same page. But im certain loving and trusting myself first before i get into a relationship is key to building a long lasting healthy relationship.
Delete