The Dating Experience

Hello all.........

i know, it seems like im being very Neglective of my blog, but i swear things came up... you would never guess where i was this past week??? come on Guess, i would wait, i would stay here waiting for you to guess. Ok... i know you are tired of guessing so... i was actually on Vacation in Georgia y'all. 
It was soo Blissful, i am so happy i got to get away from NYC for a few days, wow. So i was on Vacation so i couldnt type up a post as promised, but today is gonna be your lucky day, because i get to rant and type your eyes out. Grab a chair and some hot cocoa... (on second thought, its hot around the world, so maybe you could grab some Ice Tea) and relax. 
yeah i know, i always say its gonna be a long post and it doesnt end up being one, right? well, im hoping i can actually type it all up. 


SideNote: im a bit disappointed i didn't get nominated or elected for the Naija Awards... i realize its works like a popularity contest, and i could never be one of them cool kids. *Dorkshrug* 


So, i have actually been dating Quite alot These past few weeks..... things have been Awkward,
things have been Fun, things have been Intimate, Things have been Hurtful, Things have been alot of things. Going into Detail with all my exact Dates wouldnt be possible, because i dont quite have the luxury of anonymity to hide behind, so what ever i do say or type can easily be traced back to me, and people who read my blog, even though they may not be subscribed, are actual people i know and see often in my day to day life. Soooo, we are gonna keep all the descriptive details of my dating life in my head, but i can give you a summary of the things i found out about me and dating. 


when it comes to dating, at my best, im a confused individual with all good intentions, but i often get in the way of all the things that make me happy. I would like to argue with myself and anybody that listens that i am a logical person, but my emotions would get the best of me, and i would lose my argument with myself. i am a reference of Studies, a Few Facts and General Knowledge, so i tend to spew all these things out when i make cases for or against issues. i spew them out sooo much, that i often psyche myself out of doing or achieving things. 


i have a Love/Hate relationship with dating, its more Love than hate, but i seem to have more hate Bulletpoints as to the reasons why i shouldnt date anymore. i would sprinkle all my bullet points like an excel spread sheet, you decide whether they are pro or cons. i would just lay it bare and nakedly on this make shift table that i call my blog. 




Tell Me Something Good
Its such an easy concept, "tell me something good". it is simple and easy to understand. Whenever i tried dating a person, first thing i feel out is, can this person tell me something good, not in a narcassistic kind of way, but you know how when you meet someone, within the first few minutes of talking, you can get a feel on whether you would want to continue having continuous conversations with a person. if from the first interaction i have with you, i can bounce ideas easily off you and i get that nice gooey warm feeling that i like the way our conversation is heading, then you are definitely, someone who i want around. A conversation is like a dance, you have to know when to slow it up, when to be playful and let loose, and when to bow and move on to the next. i am selectively shy and quiet in social scenes, but once we learn how to get past that, then it is all butter on bread. 




Intimacy
I am a kiss Whore and a Cuddle prostitute, i know it sounds dramatic, but it is my blog so i am allowed to be dramatic and Extra. i like the feeling of waking up in the mornings, turning over and being able to cuddle and make another person feel safe and secure in my arms, i like the little eskimo kisses (where your noses rub together on purpose) you can share with someone, i like the stolen quick kisses (yes even with morning breadth). i know i just listed a whole huge amount of physical intimacy things, but these are things which i like that i can easily describe. i like waking up in the middle of the night just to feel warmth right beside me, i like the gentle inhalations and exhalations i feel and see beneath the sheets, it reminds me of a gentle volcano at the brink of eruption but with me being the only enthralled casualty. 


Selfishness
i realized that in dating, you have to be willing to be flexible, to share your time, your money, yourself and sometimes your hope & fears. The problem is, Just when i started learning how to be happy all by myself and i started learning the trick to being selfish, thats when my Brain decided it would be a good time to date. the funny thing is, when i am selfish, i tend to set my own schedule, i am my boss, i am the Master of Benga, and Benga is the master of me (incase you are wondering who Benga is, well that is me) i can choose when to stay home and not go out, i can choose when to go to the Gym, i can choose when i dont want to talk to anybody for 3 days and just stay in my room in my underwear just enjoying my company all by myself (i just realized the mental picture im painting sounds dirty). i can choose when to be hard on myself and i can choose not to share any personal burdens or problems with people. Dating on the other hand removes the master hand from me and just makes me co master, i have to make sure my schedule and calenders both sync, and i cant choose to make last minute plans. i could be extremely random sometimes, and i tend to change my mind and views depending on changing facts or courses of events, i like having the option to change my mind. The fact that i feel like i am losing myself while i date scares me just a little bit, it makes me feel like, if i do get serious with dating, im going to lose my blogging bug, im going to stop writing poetry, im going to get comfortable and stop taking care of myself and/or going to the Gym. believe me, once i get honed into the comfortable dating/relationship zone, i kind of let myself go, fairly easily. Soooo, in order to retain my sanity, im trying to look for a way to retain my Selfishness. 

Incase of the Ex
da da duhhhhh *dramatic scary movie theme music (i often feel like my words dont make sense when i read them over, but i swear it makes sense while i type it)** so there is no secret about this, i still have a little bit of problem getting completely over my Ex (i know you have heard this before, but), i did start this blog as a way to vent away all my residual feelings about her. its hard to re learn how to be with someone or even how to be yourself, especially when you have been together with someone else for sooo long, so i have been in a process of correcting my "US" to an "I" or a "ME". its been a long process, its still a long process. i know i have denied on countless occasions that i have been over her, and i hate admitting to myself that i still have and had strong feelings for her. I guess i figured that, the first step to being "me" or "i" is for me to gut and fully examine all my hidden feelings, but to myself and to the rest of the world (or whoever who wants to read my blog).






Heart Palpitations and Cool anticipations
there is nothing that makes you wanna get up in the morning and start your day faster than the feeling of the anticipation of seeing your date later on during the day, the way your heart plays tricks on you and almost skips beats one or two rhythms at a time. hearing the persons voice can brighten up your day, knowing that you could possibly see them or spend the next day with them actually encourages you to sleep earlier and fall asleep faster so that tomorrow could actually come faster. Its almost like a high you dont want to get off once you are on. i know that she is my dealer, and every kiss i steal is a Drug fix that i waited all week to have, and every bear hug is a reaffirmation of my territory. i know i cant own a person, but if i could, i would put ownership stickers all over you. The prospect of the unknown, the bliss promises of What could be, the uncertainty but numbs me and enlivens me. The fact that i am not sure how long we can last slightly overwhelms me, but i am the kind of person that i hate to think too far ahead, and my plans never seem to work out how i plan them, but while i live in the moment, my heart still skips beats and my mind continues racing, and i am perfectly fine with that. 




Self destructive pattern/Fear of Love/Commitment
i think i am slightly Neurotic, i over analyze, i over generalize, i cripple myself from all the thoughts that go through my mind. i am surrounded my failed marriages and single parent homes, i know there is true love out there but i am almost scared to find it. i am my own biggest enemy, i sabotage myself, i tell unnecessary lies to myself and to others, i hurt myself and hurt others, i often mean it with good intentions, but i always put a dash of all the Fears that circle my mind. i know i am not crazy, even if i were crazy, i know im not the only one walking around that might be crazy. Every relationship or datingShip that i ever find myself in, i play out the scenario in my head.... as much as i try not to plan for the future, i play a mental movie on how i think the future would be with me and the person i am currently with, and for some reason, i always see a future that never has a happy ending, i spoke to a really good friend about this problem, and she helped me realize that it was a serious problem. i want to Love truly, deeply and foreverly (yeah i know i put foreverly), but i want to be in love and all that warm gushy stuff, i am just afraid i would stop myself when i actually find True Love. 

In Repair
The Summary is, i am in repair, i know all my faults and i know i can do better than what i am doing right now. i just need feel what i have never felt, i need a voice to calm all the voices i hear in my head. and lastly, i know i need time. 
sooo, even though i have a Love/Hate relationship with dating, i keep asking myself, should i really be dating right now? or should i still be in repair and wait till i am fully repaired?




As always, i would leave you with a piece of Poetry...... and i would like if you tell me what you think about the poetry or i would stop writing the poetry <==== *Empty Threat, but i like Poetry feedback too though. 




Poem
i am not all bad
but i am not entirely good either
i can't stare too long into the mirror
i am afraid i would catch a glimpse
of the cold nothingness
i trapped deep in the depths of my eyes
my fear of love is slowly metamorphosing
while her idea of love is in chronic dyslexia

because she reads me and sees only the endless possibilities
of all what we can eventually become
as she coyly whispers
"Do you love me?"
i pause slowly
as my conscience warns me harshly
"choose your words carefully Benga"


it was always hard for me to lie to her
her puppy dog eyes are my eternal weakness
so i smile slyly
hoping i can distract her for a stolen moment
while we stay cuddled underneath
the oceans of bedsheets and fresh linen
artfully dodging away from her kisses
before she steals the truth away from the tips of my lips
i keep praying she never sees me for what i am slowly becoming
i am almost human
only because i have grown weary of dark cupboards
i am partly monster
and i have learned to hide in plain sight