love life for sale

The Art Of Moving ON

2012-02-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

Hey Blogville. happy Post Valentines, i have been busy lately, trying to stay on top of things with school and work. My Valentines day was just another day, but i had zero expectations for the day, so i guess it was perfect being like that. i have been itching to write this post for quite a while, but things always came up. i have been working more hours at work, taking more classes and hardly been sleeping, Sooo whenever i have really been free, Sleep has always won the war. I bet you guys know i love my sleep more than i love most things.
i almost cant believe Feburary is almost over, Dang, and i almost didnt put a post up.
this is probably going to be a short post, because i need to get ready for Work in about an Hour.

Sooo, here it goes, the Art of moving on.
this seems very simple, but in practice it is very hard to do. We all have to move on at one point in our life, and the truth is, break ups are never that easy, then completely being able to move on over a person, that is almost always very impossible. We all look for ways to cope with the situation. we have defense mechanisms that we employ to live life as if we are back to normalcy.

You would think that with the number of Ex Girlfriends i have had, i would find it easy to be able to move on... well, truthfully, no matter how many breaks up i have been in, it never gets easier. All the feelings attached to moving on might seem familiar, but the process doesn't ever get easier. i only wish it did. though, i know that, the more invested you are with the person you are trying to move on from, the harder it usually is to break apart from the person.

the funny thing is that you dont even have to be in a relationship with someone, before you decide that you might need to move on from the person. maybe the person you are investing those emotions in are playing with your emotions and they cant reciprocate your feelings the way you want them too. But in either case, you wake up some day and you decide to move on.
Since i have found myself in this situation countless times, i can give you a Psuedo Manual to moving on. I cant vouch that all my advice on moving on would work for everybody, but im certain it would work for someone out there.

First thing you need to realize is that when you are to move on, whether the moving on was a choice of yours or a forceful realization by the other person, you have to recognize that you emotions would mimic the five stages of Grieving before you can finally move on from the person.

5 stages of Grieving
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I Truly believe that Everybody needs to go through and accept these stages of Grief to come out at the end of the tunnel so that you can truly move on. there are stages of Grief, because no matter how you look at it, you heart is grieving the loss of the person you are moving on from.

Denial
Most people find it hard to accept the fact that the person who you seem to have invested all this time and emotion and devotion too, doesn't reciprocate the feelings in the manner they have provided. it really is hard to believe, because with every love story hollywood has pushed at us, when one person loves someone, the other person eventually loves them back. the formula that has been told your is, Boy meets girl, Boy falls in love with Girl, Girl falls in love with Boy, Boy and Girl live together happily ever after in bliss. But this hardly happens the way we have been socialized to believe. Reality usually happens, and its usually like this, Boy meets Girl, Boy falls in love with Girl, Girl kinda likes Boy, But Girl lives happily ever After with a Different Boy.

Anger
This usually sets in when you feel the betrayal of your feelings. This emotion that you feel towards the other person (anger that is) is encouraged, you need to express it in a safe way. Most people repress this feeling and yet they dont know why the hell they are always soo damn mad at the world. Well, it usually is because a repressed Anger that should have been vented out in their love life was not fully flushed out and there is a case of transference of emotions to your outside world. Some people decide to skip this emotion all together and head towards the next stage, Bargaining

Bargaining
Some people skip anger, and instead bargain with their failed love interest, they decide, since we didnt work out maybe we should be "friends", or the bargain in some other certain way. they may drop the Relationship status, but then they bargain with having "sex", or the try to grapple with their failed love interest with whatever form of "Emotional Availability" that their failed love interest is willing to give to them. This stage is the 2nd scariest stage, because if you dont pass through this stage safely enough, you can sabotage the process of moving on. i know moving on is hard, but this is a stage that you have to go through and not look back on. When you bargain with a failed love interest, it is usually a recipe for disaster. it basically a prolongation of the eventuality of you breaking up and moving on.

Depression
After we have gone through the previous 3 stages, then the reality hits that, we might never really be with this person ever again. we have tried bargaining with ourselves and with the person, that didnt work, we have expressed our anger and we arent angry anymore, then the reality of depression sets in. When Depression sets in, thats when we need our support system like our family and loved ones by our side, we need to look for constructive vents and creative avenues in which we can use to counteract the depression we might be going through. the truth is, if we are going through Moving On the right we, we are going to be depressed, whether it is for a day, a week, a month or even more, we are definitely going to be depressed, but we should understand that the depression doesnt define us, and it would definitely not last forever. the same way it can not rain heavily for the whole year non stop, thats the way the depression wouldnt last entirely for the whole year.

Acceptance
This is when we have cycled through all the stages, and we find the calm within our seas of emotions. we become at peace with ourselves. we become in tuned with all the emotions we have experienced, we learn to realize the unhealthy habits that lead to the need to move on, we learn to art of self love and acceptance. im not saying that you would be over joyed that when you shit, you would shit out rainbows and skittles, what im saying is that you would learn to be happy with yourself and satisfied with your choice to move on, you become stronger through the whole process of moving on, and you would learn to give yourself credit, and you would realize that you are as strong as you let yourself be.

The Truth is that, most times, when people try to move on, they never really cycle through all these stages. the stop way short before they reach the acceptance and self awareness stage. We all are social beings, we all tend to want to feel the familiarity of comfort that we once had with someone. Sooo, at first when people decide to move on, they do so reluctantly, it is because being without a certain person which we have heavily invested time and devoted love to is a very scary and uncomfortable thing. We usually dont like change, sooo we tend to stop at Bargaining or sometimes when we reach Depression, we tend to see it as a roadblock to tall for us to be able to climb, and because of that we cycle backwards towards Bargaining, and we become stuck with being comfortable with the person that we need to move on from. Truthfully, i have not always cycled through all the stages after every break up. i know a few of my Exs haven't thought of going through with the whole cycle, being by yourself is scary, especially when you have always been with someone who showed some sort of affection towards you, people hardly can bare the thought of being alone.

Without cycling through all the stages, even if you dont go back to the person you are trying to move on from, you might possible jump into a relationship with someone who you might not be entirely compatible with, Just because we want to skip through the stages. This Creates the problem of not being completely Happy or Fulfilled with the Replacement person you are with and this also Hurts your progress with moving on from the person you need to move on from.

there is no sense entering another relationship with another person when you are not fully over your ex.
if you are not sure whether you are over your ex or not, ask yourself
1) How would it feel if you see your Ex in another relationship?
2) How would you feel if you found that your Ex was Truly Happy?

if your answers are not
1) I would truthfully not be bothered by his/her new love interest
2) I would be sincerely happy for my Ex

then you have not moved on.

Things you can do to make you Moving on much more successful
1) Deleted phone numbers, emails, contacts, photos and anything that reminds you of the person you are trying to move on from
2) Dont date anybody, till you are mentally ready. trust me, i have made the mistake of trying to date right after a break up or a process of moving on, and oh my God, it was a disaster. i usually do two things when i date when im not ready to date, i either start to compare the person i date to my Ex/Person im trying to move on from or i start to become real Clingy to the person im trying to date. And there is nothing more unattractive than a clingy person you are dating.
3) Under no circumstance should you try to open correspondence with the Ex, because all what this does is that it opens a can of shit worms, all the progress you might have made from growing and going through the stages might just fall flat on its head and collapse.
4) Find hobbies and activities that make you happy and get you engaged.
5) You have to realize that the whole process itself takes time, you can not move on without being able to realize that its going to take time.

When you are cycling through the stages, it is best to become attuned with yourself and learn to rediscover what it means to be you. How do you expect someone to love you, if you have a hard time realizing what exactly it means to be you, and how do you expect to reciprocate the love someone has for you if you haven't learnt how to love yourself?
Use this time to rediscover and build yourself up. Be the kind of person you want to attract and learn to love yourself

here is a youtube video that i found very useful, it is a form of poetry on how to be alone. Enjoy

p.s. i havent forgotten, i owe you guys some poetry from me.... and i kinda lied about this being a short Post. hahahaaaaaa

p.s.s. if my week isnt too hectic, i would probably be posting another topic mid week.

Soo let me know if anything i said helped. feedback is always appreciated.

OverDue

2012-01-26T06:08:00.000-05:00

I know i have been gone for a moment too long.... honestly, i have been struggling to find the right words to type. i am a cesspool of emotions right about now. usually, my blog is a place i come to bare it all and unload, but these past few weeks, i havent been too sure if i wanted to be vulnerable and naked. this blog is a form of online journal of a sorts for me. i spill floods of emotions onto this space, my emotions are not always coherent and my thoughts are not always in order, but my intentions are usually true to form. If i hardly make sense on this post, it is because i gave up on trying to make sense of all my internal struggles.

my thoughts have weighed me down for a while. hopefully, when all is said and done, i would be able to weightless, atleast for a little while, before i burden myself with newer issues.

Warning: Relatively long post ahead

Happy New Year..... i should do the cliche thing and list all my new years resolution, but somehow i feel if i do that, i would jinx my resolutions. you see, i shared my resolutions last year on my Blog, and sure enough, i broke every one of my resolutions. Soooo, no Sharing this time.

So a quick summary of things since i last blogged.

I got my first real Rejection from a female, in a long while...... it was strange (im not saying i never get rejected, but this rejection hit home harder than usual)... the thing was i was expecting more from the person than the person could possibly offer. You know that point in time where you start thinking of a long term relationship and even more with someone, and all the while, the person is thinking.... ermmmm "lets just be friends"..... well, i got myself in a situation like that recently.
i know sharing the whole story about the rejection would make a nice and juicy blog post, but truthfully, i think im going to keep that story to myself.... after all, i guess i deserve to keep some parts of my private life private.

I got back with dealing from the girl from Borrowed Love, the Ivorian Girl with the Boyfriend... well if you dont remember then CLICK HERE <<<<<
Well, that story i can kinda share with you.

Soooo, Have you ever heard of the Phrase "Nothing Good Ever Happens After 3AM"?..... well, that phrase is fucking right....
i got a Phone Call about around my Birthday time last year december, past 3am..... usually, i dont pick up calls once its past 1am because lets be honest, i love my Beauty sleep.... but, i check the phone and i see whose name on it? surprise surprise, its the Ivorian Girl..... so i pick it up just because, whenever i communicate with her, its usually text messages, so i was a bit worried when i found out she was calling sooo late. soo, i pick up and say "hello", and all i can hear is her crying and sounding abit distraught... she tried saying stuff but it was sobbing i could only hear, she told me she needed help and wanted me to come over.... i was worried but i would later find out that being worried was a BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.... Literally.

I put on my PANTs (cuz i dont like sleeping with pants and its much comfy without them, hey, dont fucking judge me, you dont know my life) and my Jacket and get into my car and stupid me goes over to her place to be a Stupid Fucking HERO (like my name is superman).
i get there, she opens the door and she looks like she has been crying for awhile, Eyes all puffy and red. So we get to talking and am trying to calm her down and find out why she is crying... she goes on a Tangent on how Guys are Stupid and how we never appreciate females.... sooo im confused like, "B*tch, i hope i didnt come all the way to your place at 3 fucking A to the M to hear a Guy BasHing Session? *BBM confused face*"..... sooo i woosah for a little bit and tell myself, that this is not about me, that it is about her crying.... sooo after a few moments, she tells me that she found out that her Guy has been cheating on her and how under appreciated she has been feeling.... soo my first reaction was to tell her that "emmmm, excuse me, but i think you were doing the same thing to him tooo, atleast with me" but i opted out to joining in the whole guy bashing thing (i figured if i did that, she probably would have revenge sex with me.... well, truthfully i was horny at the time and i was not using my head) well, need less to say, my whole guy bashing thing worked.... and it worked well.

Fast Forward a few weeks later... she calls me and wants to see me.... im bored because school is not in session yet, so i easily oblige. Sooo she told me to pack for like 2 nights cause she wanted to spend some quality time because she was off work for about 3 days and i too was off work... im like OK. i get there, we are chilling, acting like Psuedo Couples, fabricating intimacy out of thin Air, eskimo kisses and french pecks while im being forced to watch Chick Flicks which she picked out on her PC. sooo basically im Comfortable as i can relatively be.... then we get to catching up on whats new with our weeks and life, then she tells me so Causally "Oh my Boyfriend is Back in the Country"... When she said that, i Froze like......

ME:"Hold UP.... you mean your BF is back and you are planning on spending this much time with me in your place, which you boyfriend knows how to get too easily?"
SHE: Well, its not like he is going to Come here
ME: And how do you know that? are you Psychic or you got some Voodoo i dont know about?
SHE: nah, its cool... he doesnt like coming over, he prefers when i go over to his place

i didnt have a reply for her, because i was sooo speechless, i just had alot of stupid shit running through my mind like, if this Nigga Catches me playing house with his GF, i am probably going to be Dead.... but then, i was like blahhhh, im already Comfortable in her place right now, and its already past 3am sooo, whats the worst that could happen.... i would probably leave in the AM and stay far away from this crazy girl that might be planning on getting me killed by her BF (i swear i think she is really conspiring for that shit to happen, the way i felt so blindsided).

So fast forward to the Am, im bout to get ready to leave, but i forget to leave ( i know that statement sounds like an oxymoron, but it actually happened)... later in the evening, while im still busy forgetting to leave her place, she gets a phone call. She picks up, and says a few things in french and smiles when she hangs up. She turns immediately to me and asks me if i can drop her off somewhere. i tell her that it probably might be a good idea for me to head out too While i drop her off.

She gets ready and i drop her off at an apartment..... things didnt become clear to me until i was driving off from dropping her off, i realized that i just dropped her off at her Boyfriends Apartment..... That blew my mind.... i had to park my car for a quick second, just sooo i could delete her number and take all that shit in...... That is not really the best way to begin the first few days of the New Year, but one thing i realized is that, im going to avoid people who are going to try to make my life play out like a fucking Day Time Drama.... this shit isnt the bold and the beautiful.... im literally getting to old for all that kind of unnecessary Drama.

Sooo i hope i can say that this is the last time im ever going to hear from this wonderful young girl, because after that mini episode of events, im not going to put myself in some strange or weird situation just because of a girl.

Ok, well maybe i may still put myself in some interesting situation.... but its definitely not going to be with this girl. Truthfully, she isnt worth all the drama and issues.

p.s. no poetry today because this post went on for longer than i would have liked.... maybe next post.

Yay its my Birthday

2011-12-17T03:31:00.000-05:00

Hello....

Yay, its my Birthday..... well it was my birthday like 3/4 days ago, but it still feels like It was my Birthday Yesterday or something. Soooo, Happy freaking birthday to me, so Yay me. As i previously mentioned, i had/have no birthday plans.... i literally didnt do anything for my birthday, and i enjoyed it. i stayed home, slept in, didnt have any classes, took some time off work, i did meet up with my Good friend and my God Son (yeah, im not sure i have ever mentioned that i have an absolutely adorable God Son, so im a God Daddy)... i did receive alot of calls from my Loved ones, and BBMs and Texts and Emails.... so i did feel very special. i appreciated every single birthday wish i was given. i even had an Early morning prayer from my mum, it was too cute.... im agnostic, but with the gravity of the words which she uttered, it would have felt like a sin if i didnt say "Amen" like i meant it.

But for the most part,
i enjoyed my stress free birthday. In all my Do nothingness, i did have a lot of time to reflect. i reflected on my past year, on whether i had grown or matured at all, i reflected on the fact that i have good health and the wealth of True Friends. i also reflected on my Mortality, i have never been on to reflect on Death or dwell on the fact that im getting older and a step closer to the end of it all, but this day, i did reflect. i started to think about the things which were important to me, the people who have meant soo much to me, the emotions i have felt in my very small and limited life, the legacy i would leave behind (if i did indeed have any legacy to leave behind). And after all this thinking, i started freaking the fuck out......

it was a small freak out, but it was still a freak out none the less. let me explain why i freaked out, see the thing is, im human, and that means im abit vain and concieted, sooo i started to freak out when i realized that i had no form of legacy to leave behind me. See, if i died today, i realized that i have no form of Proof for proving to the rest of the world that i did exist (well, ok maybe im exaggerating a little bit here because i have birth records and other forms of paper works, but my point is i have no living breathing proof), because i didnt make as much of an impact in the world for the world to care about my existance.... we all have this fear soo, i know im not crazy.

Most people who have this kind of fear solve it in a number of ways

a) Create something Revolutionary like Telephones, electricity or Internet
b) Become Extremely Wealthy
c) Do a lot of Philanthropy (that way, some building gets named after you)
d) Become a Specialist in your Field of Study so you get to name a formula after yourself
e) Have Children (preferably alot of Children)

Most people often do option E, just because its easily more attainable than the other options.

and i recently, just came to the Epiphany that i would want to invest in option E, in like the next 5 years or there about. That is some Break Through, because if you asked me this about 2 years ago, i was someone who was very adamant about the thought of having Kids.... i personally can bring up a lot of reasons why i think i should not have kids, and i did convince myself that i didnt really care for kids. But i guess age has started to show me the Errors in my ways.

i guess it is probably because mortality has started to become an issue that lingers on my mind, i want to be able to leave an imprint of a mini me, who has my mannerism, who looks like me, who has my genetic code, just incase i do die more sudden than i had thought i would. i know having a baby in the future might be for selfish reasons, but im allowed to be abit selfish in this issue. i want a mini me. :). not now though, but probably soon enough.

Being around my God Son day in, day out Shows how much of a joy and a miracle little kids are... how kids keep you more grounded, give you a greater purpose and a sense of self fulfillment. it probably does not help that out of the 3 good friends that i have, 2 of them are now Fathers. So, its me and my other friend (the one who likes watching Food Network, i mentioned him a few post back) that are the non fathers... and im guessing that, he would be the next person to be a father... my Bet is on him for now, and it would remain on him till further notice (see, he has a stable long term relationship with his Girlfriend which he absolutely adores, they have had parent introductions, they do weekend getaway plus he is already in his Career path, sooo its a matter of time.....)

Its Funny how time changes things, the last thing on my mind a few years ago was Fatherhood, now im more accepting about becoming one.... Hmmm, is it weird that i feel this way?

Me and Poetry

2011-12-08T02:48:00.001-05:00

hello.... i still owe yall a full post, blog and poetry, but i honestly have been soo busy these past few days, i havent even had time to catch up on new blog post on my blog roll list, i promise to make my blog rounds soon enough.

and i know i havent replied comments, from my previous posts..... i really feel soo horrible about that. i am so appreciative of all my followers, and my repeat followers who come, time and time again to read my blog post and to leave comments. you guys make me want to pour my heart and soul out onto these blog pages. thank you all for the motivation, every new comment makes me smile, even the comments with criticism. i do have a few favorite commenters, but there is still room for many more favorite commenters in my heart. i have a big heart (i think i do).

Sooo, its december again, wow.... this year just flew bye, i remember when i was just making up my new years resolutions..... i guess the older i get, the faster time seems to fly. makes being young feel so nostalgic. what i would do to be 7 years old again, with no responsibilities and no worries.

Next week Tuesday Dec 13th is actually my birthday, i have absolutely no plans.... i try not to make plans, actually its easier not to make any plans probably because im single and there is no one to try to make my birthday a big deal. im slowly getting the hang of being single for my birthday.

it would be nice if i could get up to 50 followers by my birthday, im up to 46 now, i wonder how possible 4 more would be in less than a week.

but just incase, maybe i shouldnt hold my breadth...... there is a saying that goes....." if you expect nothing, then you would never be disappointed".

i know i had 2 previous post without a poem or poetry posting.... sooo i hope this makes up for it.

Poetry

She is all that consumes my mind

she is my mental gravity,

my thoughts all convene at the center of her being

haha, stupid fool.... you are just in deep infatuation

you always snap out of it once she is yours

she is only a new victim to your heart games

no, i promise this time is different

i see no future without her in it

i gasp for breadths at a time, everytime she kisses me

she is the one

and im building a new religion based on her being

you said those same things about the last girl

now your tongue has lost

the verbal vibrations it needs to call out her name

nor do you remember the names of the last 3 girls

this time is different,

she is my true reflection

i dont even believe in soulmates

but i believe in her

if i ever doubted love

now im in doubt of my doubt

i hear him laughing at me again

as i realize im bound by my emotional straight jacket

as i argued illogically again with my hidden personality

he whispered to me

"how can you love her

when you haven't learnt to love yourself yet?"

Sooo... i hope my poetry lovers are happy about this work.... its abit raw and unpolished because it is basically a freestyle.... i didnt want to edit it, and i figured if i did polish it up, it would remove from the identity of the poetry.

Sooo feel free to leave a comment, tell me what you think about the concept i was trying to go for... or just tell me something Random. lol.

Random Updatez

2011-11-28T11:27:00.000-05:00

Sooo these are things i figured i should update y'all on

About the nice young lady from the post Borrowed Love... well, lets just say, i was a bit curious about things, i had my questions, i wasnt sure if things or if everything was resolved. After all, she kinda drove me to the point of Smoking and Drinking...(ok, maybe im just using her as an excuse a little bit), but things did change both with my mental and emotional status when we started messing around, i guess the guilt was eating me alive. Sooo, to be sure that i was completely over her and ready to move on, i had to visit her one more time. sooo i did visit her, we chatted, she invited me to spend the night over and because i am a gentleman, i accepted her invitation. though i spent the night, nothing happened, and i was proud of myself for being able to resist the urge (pat on my back, though sometimes in retrospect, i think i should have had sex one last time, lol) we are now friends and strictly friends (but can i call someone a friend if i dont call or text them for weeks at a time?) sooo i guess im making strides in the right direction.

About my New Year Resolutions from 2011 january 1.... well, lets just say that i broke all my resolutions, but hopefully im back on track now. i was having a talk with a friend the other day, and she pointed out to me that this was actually the longest i have been without a relationship (1yr and a couple of months, i know its sad that i always found myself in a relationship for most of my adult life :(...) , soo she told me that, im going to get soo used to being single that when i accidentally find myself in a relationship, i would not know how exactly to behave because i have been soo single for soooooooo looong. i think she might be right, but i hope she isnt.

About the abs i promised myself for my birthday, well im glad to inform you guys that, my stomach isnt gonna be seeing abs this birthday.... the problem is, the Gym had to give way to school, sooo school rules till christmas break, plus i got abit lazy.... Ok, honestly, i get fit and in shape for the ladies (abit vain right?), yeah i know the health bonuses of being in shape are good, but my main motivation is to be attractive (we all want to be attractive, dont judge me because im being truthful)
Sooo, Everytime i feel fat or out of shape, i decide to myself that im gonna do better.(im going to go hard in the gym for the next month or soo, right). Just after i make this commitment to myself, i find myself in public minding my own business, then i get random Compliments from Random strangers (see the random compliments are counter- productive)....i say thank you, before i turn purple from blushing because im kinda dark skinned. I think Girls who are confident enough to compliment a guy without caring what people think are sexy, there is just some unknown strength i see in a girl who does that.

Im almost certain i dont have Body dysmorphic disorder, but i cant say for sure. some days i waking up loving my body, somedays it feels like a hang over after a one night stand.

Everytime i think of slacking off, and i decide i dont want to work out or that im just not feeling like doing anything productive, i watch this video for motivation.

If i needed to go for a run before i watched this video and i was slacking, after i watch the video, i go for a motherfucking run. believe me.

p.s. i definitely ate a weeks worth of food on thanksgiving, hope yall were just as greedy as i was... and too all the canadians who had theirs a months earlier, yall know that Americans do it better and bigger :) lol.

The Knowing

2011-11-24T16:57:00.000-05:00

First off.... im alive
Second..... hello, im absolutely certain that you missed me.

i know after my last post it almost seemed like i was contemplating Suicide, but to calm everyone's nerves down, im alright, No Suicide or anything is happening anytime soon. Soo, i guess the blogworld is stuck with me for a little bit.

i apologize for going MIA.... (well its only been 2 or 3 weeks, it really hasnt been that long), Life just caught up with me, and after life caught up with me, i decided that i needed to slack on my blog postings for just abit. the truth is, i am a Procrastinator by nature... actually, it come natural, and when it doesnt come natural, then i look for ways to make my procrastination into a hobby. Only if i could get paid for Procrastinating.. (Actually, the Senators and Representatives in Congress actually get paid for not doing any serious work when they need too)

i would love to go on a Tangent about politics and current affairs, because im follow current issues and stuff, but this is not a Political Blog, soooo all that is going to have to take a back seat.

Third: Happy Thanksgiving
Fourth: I did hesitate blogging because i realize that my blogs have a way of making me feel so exposed and vulnerable.... i almost forget that im not an Anonymous blogger, and some subject topics do tend to be a bit Fucked up.... a few people who frequent my blog know me outside the blog circles, and im almost certain a few opinions about me have changed over the exposure of some of my blogs.... im only human and i have flaws, the only difference is, in real life, i spend most of my time Trying to cover up all my flaws to everyone around, but on my blog post, i stand naked with my flaws.... the dual nature of that sends conflict to my psyche each time i try putting out any post.
all i can ask for, is not to be judged (harshly), but i know i would be judged regardless...

sooo that was my mini introduction for being back from my Hiatus
now to the Subject matter, The Knowing.

Have you ever been in a situation where you had a crush on someone, or you liked someone, or you were in a relationship with someone that you knew was going to break your heart?
That feeling right there is "the Knowing", when you know that the person you have feelings for would eventually break your heart.
At some point in life, this probably would have happened to you or it would be happening to you right now, or if it hasn't happened to you yet, then it might soon happen to you. im certain this happens to everyone. We may be the cause sometimes, and i think sometimes, we are the victims of "the knowing"

What do you do, when or if you know you are about to be the victim of "the knowing"?
Truthfully, i wish i had the answer to that question.... but all i can say is hope and pray that you would be able to survive the heartache.

Recently, a good friend of mine confessed that she had more feelings for me than she had let on. This would be Awkward ordinarily if i only saw her as a friend but, me and her have some history together, we never actually ever dated, nor did we ever get into a relationship.

Brief history about me and my friend:
We meet through a mutual friend in school.... we had a few smooth conversations and we transitioned from casual talks to,

Her: hey, i think you are cute &
Me: hey i think you are beautiful....
(isnt that the way all friendly conversations go anyway?? lol)

and we went from talking to kissing, and OMG does she know how to kiss... okay, not to bore you guys with the details, me and her got a bit physical too early. Lord knows that i dont regret us getting Physical because, i connected with her like i have never ever connected with anyone Physically. i never felt sex was spiritual or an out of body experience until i met her. There are a few names, there are a few sensations, there are a few kisses with Girls who i may or may not remember at all, but i do know one thing, ever since i got physical with her, i have not been able to forget her or anything about her. i have been with a number of people after her, but things never quite measured up, But its Ok.... it was not that everyone else wasnt good, or that i didnt enjoy a particular kiss or whatever, its just this particular friend of mine, has a Spot that no one has been able to surpass, Physically.

i can go on and on about how much we connect physically, but the truth is, i connect with her more on a mental level, an example is im a horrible person on the phone... any of my Exs or Friends or Acquaintances would let you know that, i hate phone conversations, im allergic to putting my ears on the phone.... i would rather send an Email or a Text message than to receive a phone call.
But with her, its different, once i pick up the phone and i say hello, im lost in a time vortex for 3 hours, time flies by with the words she speaks, i hang on to each and every word she says, the intonation and her pronunciation are like a carefully crafted waltz of the tongue, i dont know how to end the conversations i have with her, and truthfully i dont want too. How she does it, i really have no idea.

for the past 2 years or so, we have just been friends, we have seen each other go into and out of other relationships.... and we have just remained friends. the timing was never always right, and there was always someone in either her background or my background that we could never take each other seriously. When a situation around seems like its permanent, then you begin to think to yourself that thats the way it would always be.... so i began to take solace in the fact that i had an Awesome friend like her, and i would think, probably in a parallel universe things between us worked out, but since im in this universe things would remain as they are, we just being friends.

So, now there is no one in the background in each of our lives, no girlfriends, no boyfriends, no Exs, just us... but i had gotten used to the idea of us being good friends, soo i was pleasantly surprised when she told me her little secret for me. You would think it should be easy for us to get down to business and be serious about eachother, but truthfully, i think it might be a recipe for disaster.

i have a horrible track record with females, plus i think i sabotage almost all relationships im in. im no good with relationships, we atleast no right now. She knows this about me, im capable of sooo much good, but im also capable of being really bad. i can promise that she would be happy, i can promise that we could have alot of fun, i can promise to make her smile when she needs it, But apart from all the things i can promise to her, there are more things i cant promise, and it is the fact that there are things which i cant promise for certainty.... that i think this might be a recipe for disaster. she knows that probable one day i would be able to make all the promises that she would want me to make to her and keep them, but for now, im further way from that day than she would like.

no Poetry today.

The Morning After

2011-11-05T05:48:00.000-04:00

This is the feeling you get when you are coming down from a high, Like the day after you have you first ecstasy pill, the high is unlike no other, and you life couldnt be better than what you feel at the moment, every one is beautiful to you, and everything in the world shines brightly with unending beauty. no more worries, wars dont exist when you are that high, peace and love are emotions that you can feel running through you veins, and life is in full HD. then when you wake up from the high, there is nothing in the world that can make you happy, you are in a depression that life becomes almost meaningless, you flirt endlessly with suicidal thoughts and death.... and you arent certain if you really would ever follow through with all the flirting. This is the morning after.
the morning after taking drugs, the morning after your heart ache, the morning after all unnerving addictions.

we all have morning afters, there might never be this graphic or this detailed, but we all have those lows... so this was inspired by one of those lows.

Poem
Sooo all my emotions are synthesized
my cries for help
are drowned out by the imaginary voices
that kept me up from the night before
im busy trying to get to a high
to a higher altered state of mind
its the only way i can cope with my reality today
smoke a lil more
drink till the bottom of the bottle
empty mindless sex
these are all my companions
the morning after

p.s. im wondering if any of my followers have every flirted with suicide??? im also wondering if any of my followers who have, would be willing to admit something like that????

Borrowed Love

2011-10-21T20:29:00.000-04:00

Im grateful for both my Guest Bloggers, these are bloggers i admire and know personally. if anything they both inspire me to be a better writer, both in poetry and in blogging itself. im inclined to reaching out to more followers of mine, at later dates to grace my blog..... so please dont be surprised when i start emailing you for guest blogger request, and please dont be scared to reach out.

i have been bad again blogsville, i have been a really really bad boy or man or man child or male (whatever freaking term you want to choose)... so if you remember, in one of my Earlier post... Actually this post here, i outlined all my Resolutions.... one of my resolutions was to not Cheat. Either Cheat on a person who is my girlfriend, or be with a girl who would be cheating with their man with me. Sooo, you wouldnt believe, i kinda sorta broke that resolution. Actually, i have broken all my resolutions, but i was hoping i would be able to keep that No Cheating Resolution this year. Well, i kind of have to let this out.....

This forum is my therapy and i know i need some therapy right about now.

WARNING 1: THIS IS A LONG POST, DO NOT READ IT IF DONT HAVE TIME TO READ IT.

WARNING 2: THIS POST HAS ALOT OF PERSONAL UNNECESSARY INFO

WARNING 3: I Warned You, So dont say i didnt Warn you. Proceed at your own RISK

let me tell you how this story started.

over the spring semester, i was interning at a Tax Program, im certain i mentioned this at an earlier post at the beginning of the year, i basically was a Student Supervisor. i and about 6 of my peers were in charge of about 100+ Volunteers, we were in charge of training students from different schools to prepare taxes.... we reported directly to the IRS, it was fun and challenging and it kept me a whole lot busy. i met this girl, lets call her "Ashley", she was under the team i had to supervise.... She was Ivorian, so we had the whole African Connection thing in common... She is cute, dark skinned and Smart. She Spent part of her Teenage years traveling and living from Ivory Coast to Togo To France, so she was well travelled. She had the kind of body that Africans are usually proud of, you know the one with the rolling hips and curves that go on for days.... she had a cute little french accent because she spoke it basically all her life, she spoke English so foreignly, because frankly, english was foreign to her. i kind of got the impression that she is one of those girls that havent been single a day in her life, you know how beautiful girls hardly ever get enough time to be single after a break up, how some other guy is already stepping up to the plate to be her Boyfriend after she breaks up with her old boyfriend, yeah she gave off that impression to me. these were all the things i noticed and observed all in a span of an hour of meeting her.

she was on my training team, so she always asked me for help and guidance with the tax issues, within the second week of my internship my co-interns were already making comments like "yall two look good together" (*Mistake number 1, never underestimate the power of suggestion or innocent comments... the thing about innocent suggestions is, the idea remains with you while you on doing other things, and then when you finally are alone with your thoughts, you start to think about those innocent comments and suggestions, those suggestions start to grow roots and they grapple into the epi center of your brain, from those roots, you start to take action)

sooo my co-interns mentioned that a couple more times, then she finally let the cat out of the Bag, she blurted out that she had a boyfriend... i heard that and immediately shut off all the silly little fantasies i had played out in my head.... (i know im not the only one, who day dreams about things that are yet to happen).

So as the days passed, i talked as casually as i could about heading out for some african food with my co-interns, she over heard me and basically invited herself... you know when people say, "Oh, so you arent going to invite me to .......", yeah so thats how she invited herself, i said ok, why not. she said she wanted to go right after our intern work day that day, and i didnt have any plans so i obliged.... after we closed up the Tax Program for the day, no one else was willing to come out, sooo it was me and her. she was like she had to go home and get properly dressed, so she asked nicely if i could drop her off home and wait till she got dressed.... (in my mind, im like.... i think she thinks this shit is a date of some sort or she just likes looking nice to go eat *insert confused male face)... anyways, as i was dropping her off, before she left my car, she did a little lingering (in my mind, if you linger in my car longer than 10secs after we get to your house and we have said our goodbyes, then you are sending me a signal that you want me to kiss you)... So guess what i did? I tried kissing her, and guess what she did? She pushed me off immediately, like N*gga, you know i have a Boyfriend, WTF are you doing? Sooo, i answered sheepishly, im attracted to you, i guess you are attracted to me and you were lingering in my car, she didnt reply and she told me the dinner was off.

Needless to say, after that awkward incident, i could hardly talk to her while we were doing our internship. i was embarrassed and i had just gotten a big ELA... i know as a guy, we are supposed to get rejected once in awhile, but damn.... that was a very unsubtle rejection.. kai.

Fastforward to the last few weeks of the internship. She walked up to me and asked me, why i stopped talking to her through out the internship?

i was like? wait, what??? i felt awkward after the whole rejected kiss incident and i figured i give her some space. She was like i didnt have to do that, that we could still be friends, she exchanged numbers with me and told me i should use it.... i told her explicitly that there is no way im going to be friends with her, so if im using her number, im not using it under the intentions of being friends. (most times, i always try to give a disclaimer)

Fastforward to the Summer, my two Male BFFs were busy, one was out of the country and the other was in intense military training. An Idle mind is the devils workshop.... and boy was my mind idle, i called her up, did a little small talk (oh Gosh, how i hate small talk) and we decided we should meet up. She reassured me that it wasnt a date and it shouldnt be labelled as such because she has a boyfriend, and i told her she can call it whatever she wanted to call it, i dont care about labels.

we go out on our Psuedo-Date, which really isnt meant to be a date... while we are out, we are drinking and getting comfortable, needless to say, one thing leads to another and within the course of the night, we are making out and doing some heavy petting... we get back indoors and im worried that we are about to do more than just kissing, i ask her if she is sure she wants to go down this route, she said "i already opened pandora's box, she would be uber mad if we stopped now", me being the gentleman that i am, i oblige to the ladies Threats of not stopping. By the end of the night we have sex.... i wasnt too comfortable with us taking it all the way, plus i had some guilt nagging on my soul. My output on the Sex was sub par if anything and she was ever so gracious about the whole incident (Hey, sometimes i can be sub par at sex if my mind isnt all in it, i would never claim to be God's gift to women).... so in my mind, im like Great, another awkward moment (she seems to bring out the awkward in me)... so i figured it doesnt count if we both didnt enjoy it right, so no harm no foul.

After our little stint, we didnt speak for almost a month... I figured she need all the time in the world to forget about the night. Out of the blues on night she called me up and got super furious, she was like "wow, i knew all you wanted was one thing, and now you got it you dont want to be friends or talk to me ever again"... i apologized about dealing with the whole incident poorly and boy, did she give me hell.

Fastforward to the fall semester, we hardly saw eachother again during the summer and i figured we could both look back and laugh at the summer night. we texted once in awhile to check up on each other but nothing ever too serious. she told me that school was kicking her ass and her job is getting on her nerves... (she works in a French restaurant in the City where she bartends and she sometimes works as a server). She calls me up about 3 weeks to a month ago on a friday night and tells me that she Just Moved into an Apartment in the city, she invites me over for some house/apartment warming, im like ok, i rationalize that there is no harm in going to help her settle in to her new place, because what are friends for right? She sends me the Address and tells me to call her when i get there. if you know anything about new york city, you know how horrible it is to get parking in the city.... im a bit hesistant, but i figure i should just go before she takes me on a guilt trip about being a horrible person...

i drive over to her apartment, and i was right, there was no parking spots in sight, she comes down and says 5 magic words that anyone who owns a car in the city wants to hear, "My Apartment has a Private Parking Garage", ok i guess thats 7 magic words...

i park, and she leads me upstairs to her apartment, and once i walk in... my mouth drops down to the Floor.... im a huge HGtv buff, soo when i walk in and i see Wood floors, Granite counter tops in the Kitchen, stainless steel appliances, a terrace with a nice view and en suite bathrooms in the bedrooms, The little Home Dreamer in me is in crush with her apartment.... im like how the hell did she get an apartment like that as a student and how can she afford it... she laughs and says something about having hook ups and how her apartment mate is the person who actually found it. Anyways, we get to catching up and she tells me that her Boyfriend helped her move her stuff in, and how he helped her get new furniture because she didnt like her old one.

for a second i actually forgot she had a boyfriend.... then everything came rushing back to me, i saw a ring on her engagement finger and i got taken aback more... im like "congrats", as i point to the ring, and she was like, she is in love with him, but she gave a long pause.....

now my mind doesnt know what to make of all this, She has a Man who is obviously in love with her and she tells me that she is in love with him, but i dont know what exactly im doing in her apartment at 1am at night.... So, we keep talking, she tells me her Boyfriend is about 30 years old and she is just 22, she has gone from one relationship to another and she feels she hasnt lived life yet, she says she is young and she wants to have fun before she decides to marry and settle down...

Any logical, responsible Friend would compliment her on how nice her apartment is, and then excuse himself and leave the apartment never to come back again.... but, sometimes im not logical nor am i responsible. She opens a bottle of wine (haha, she is sooo french) and we move our conversation into her room, she knows im big on ideas for interior design and she asks me for ideas on where she should put her furniture so she can have optimal space and function. i indulge in this little game and i throw interior design ideas haphazardly... she laughs and tells me im silly.

a bit more wine and a bit more flirting, and we are back to where we were during summer. from kissing, one thing leads to another, it all felt like Deja vu except the Sex was a whole lot better this time ( i guess, since i wasnt too note worthy the first time, the only direction i could go was up)... needless to say, i spent a Huge part of the Weekend over... (Lord forgive me for all my sins, kai).

I disappeared into her that weekend, and she disappeared into me, no cell phones, no TV, almost no food only when necessary and the whole world outside was just a blurr within the walls of her apartment.

Two more weekends, and still the same story.... everything feels right, except for the fact that she has a boyfriend that is willing to marry her. her boyfriend is always in and out of the country, she shies away from talking about him, she feels i get a bit tense whenever she ever references him, and she is right about that.

This week, i had time to think for myself and assess the situation that i put myself in.... i realize i always tend to put myself in big horrible messes that have the potential of blowing up in my face... i have been cheated in the past, and i have also been cheated on.... its never fun when you find out that your Girlfriend or your mate cheated on you. i know i am some what of a horrible person at fleeting times, i can acknowledge it... now this guilt has been eating me up and i have had no one to let this load off on... i know my blog is the most semi safe place i can think off. I promised myself that this fall semester would be less distractions, and more focusing on me... these recent events have started to eat at me and i feel like im spiraling into self injurious behavior, im a bit more gloomy, im slacking abit in school and i picked up my first pack of cigarettes in a year. im hoping i can break this horrible cycle starting from today.... sooo hopefully, i follow through on sitting my ass in my home this weekend.

speak about the devil..... i just received a text from Ashley and it reads

" i cant wait to see you tonight"

Poetry

My feelings are without filter

as my intentions lay naked

underneath the sheets we just shared

the last time i checked

her heart was still being leased to another owner

so i am spending her borrowed love

while she lends herself to me

on borrowed time

she is the most convenient agreement i can handle right now

and im a punctuation

to her seasonal loneliness

only till she learns how to make it, all on her own

she possibly cant love me any more than she loves him

the problem is she is just too young

i kinda wish it could last forever

nahhhh,

i think these brief moments would do for now

Let me know what you think, how should i answer her text message?? would i be folish to give in again?? is there any happy ending to this story??

Teach ME how to LOVE

2011-10-18T18:50:00.002-04:00

Hi blogsville,

I'm going to be guest blogging on one of my bestest friends in the whole entire universes' blog today...taking a cue after the very articulate Niki. I. *receiving the baton* Kudos to you dear. Bengs has asked that I mention that I'm a girl...lol. I donno why he's freaking out about y'all thinking he's transgender *sigh* such a dork, but I love him still.

Anywaiz, here goes....

See, I grew up with 3 brothers and my dad...so it was pretty much all guys and a girl. I was the baby. To be quite honest, I'd like to say I was the accident. It was right before my mum took off...I'm guessing she ran for her dear life.

My dad worked in the army and I'm sure u know what that means, his idea of love was his whip. I had one specially for me. He called my whip love.

As he would whip me with every opportunity, he would remind me of how grateful I ought to be...some kids didn't have a dad, yet alone one that would steer them in the right direction with "love". Boy was I grateful.

Even though I bled, although it hurt, I constantly reminded myself of these things my dad had engraved in my heart.

Angel, you have a father...others DON'T
You have brothers, many DON'T
You have a place to live, several DON'T
and this list continues.....

So....well...I was a grateful kid!

At 14, I met this guy....boy o boy *wipes sweat off*
He was the finest creation, God had ever made...this one, I know God took some good time.
With me, I think I was rush work.
Well...I'm gorgeous and all but...this boy made my head spin in ALL directions.

BUT...
Dad had told me "NO BOYS!"

Despite the fact that my heart skipped not 2, 3, or 4 beats when he came around, I turned him into the invisible...NO bOys!

When I turned 18 and buggered off to college, there he was...an even finer version of my high school crush. We hung out in Psych class, in Soc...and also in Algebra and that was it...we were an item.

Everything dad taught me didn't matter....I threw it out the window.
K would tell me how beautiful I was and whisper sweet nothings into my ears all day long.
I was in heaven and I wasn't heading back to earth....

K and I got pretty serious and before long...I had little K growing inside of me...

I remember the day, I told K about it....that was the day he sent me right past earth and straight to hell.

He wasn't having this baby..."abort that thing", he said and I refused.
At this point, K started to use all my secrets against me. He brought "love" back to reality for me but this time, "love" had thorns, it was wicked, it was cruel....his whip was "pure hate"

He hurt me without discipline...he made me bleed till I lost lil K.
3 years went by and I was in crack houses, tramping the streets at night and violating every possible law in the day time...till I found myself in an orange suit, doing 2 years for obstruction of justice.

My dad came to visit....my brothers too.

3 months after I came out, I met James...he schooled me, cared for me, pleaded that I love him...that I reciprocate but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I don't know how...at this point having lost it all.

I'm going to need to be taught how to truly love.

by H